Saturday, January 1, 2011

Capsicum spray and barf – not related

Well. That was 2010. Before I get into the festivities of Dec 31st, I would like to recall the important milestones of last year, and I mean important to me, cos I'm that narcissistic and it's my blog.
January: I started training as an official member of ADRD,
February: I retired as a hockey player after five years of winning the national championship playing for Adelaide (largely not my direct influence but I was there nonetheless),
March: Celebrated Michi's birthday with dinner and a Ross Noble show and became a Road Train Roller (:D),
April: Brought home the world's sassiest dog for Kat's birthday,
May: Played in my first bout against the Wild Hearses. We lost, but it was the most awesome thing I'd experienced to date,
June: Played for Adelaide in The Great Southern Slam – a huge honour and a fantastic time. Rolled both my ankles dancing at the afterparty,
July: Beat the Salty Dolls to give us a position in the grand final and another shot at the Hearses,
August: Turned 33 and sung with the band at my joint birthday party and also had a snowboarding adventure for the first time in over 5 years,
September: Played in the grand final and ended the Hearses' winning streak with an underdog victory using our team strategy of 'no superstars, superteam',
October: Took in a nice holiday in Bateman's Bay with Snowy for her birthday,
November: Went to Noosa for a lovely family Christmas and vowed to devote all my earthly efforts to bringing down tiger airways after being screwed by them one time too many,
December: can't remember. Sleeping I think.
So, after a busy year, it seemed prudent that I celebrate its end by getting completely sloshed on my front porch like a yob.
Sensibly, I bought a 700ml bottle of rum for myself. As I was purchasing it, I had a thought – 'I remember once I drank a whole bottle of this and was very sick' but my greatest talent is ignoring commonsense, so I tuned that voice out and bought my Bundy. We had invited a few people over to our place for some quiet drinks and figured the best place to chill was the front porch. We moved one of the lounges out there (classy), the coffee table, a couple of chairs, candles, two different types of fairy lights, a cardboard star with a bunch of the fairy lights stuffed inside it and a tiki torch, for the mozzies. I scrubbed the weird algae out of the dog's drinking container thing to use as an esky and bought a whole pizza to myself, to eat half before I started drinking, and half later when I had the munchies. I had it all planned.
First, Rebelicious arrived. Then Caddy and Slams. Then Stoj dropped by with her hubby and gorgeous daughter. Then Michi and the J-man arrived with their mate Dave and the fun began. We were sitting, chatting, laughing but all of a sudden there was shouting and four men came running into the street. Three of them were chasing a really big dude and shouting at him 'GET ON THE GROUND!! GET ON THE GROUND!!' He dove into the driveway right across the street from us and the three men (cops in a summer kind of uniform) surrounded him, still shouting. The dude struggled to get up, and there was a hissing noise that I instantly recognised as capsicum spray. This really woke me up as I've been sprayed with it before. All of us were on our feet, eyes glued to the scene. The cop gave him a decent spray, but I guess he was still struggling and needed further subduing, because the one standing by his legs promptly butt punched him, twice. I couldn't believe what I'd seen. A butt punch? I asked everyone else 'did you see that?!!' and they all agreed, it was definitely a good, sharp, double tap on the butt. Who does this? Do they teach that in cop school? They pulled him to his feet and steered him towards the paddy van. He was definitely showing signs of being in pain on account of the spray – moaning and scrunching his eyes shut, kind of like a zombie. I said 'oh. He's in so much pain. That stuff sucks,' to which Michi replied 'they should put some milk in his eyes.'
...milk? She says 'well, that's what we use when we're tinting people's eyelashes and we get the tint in their eyes...' hahahahahaha I was doubtful but I suppose it could work.
We then got into a detailed discussion about milk as a remedy, and different types of punches – the times I used to give Michi kidney punches as a kid and the guy I knew who punched his pet fish cos it bit him ( I even saw the bit of grazed skin on the fish's face). I told them I would write about it in my blog and Michi said 'your blog is going to be all about me, milk and butt punches.' hehehe
After that fiasco was over, we got back to drinking and stuff. Electric Feel came on my ipod, and Michi told me that it was actually called 'Electric eel'.
So the night got a bit hazy after that, as I started to really put the rum away. Kat made me change to a plastic cup but that just made me put more rum in it, cos it was bigger. Earlier in the night I had spotted a friend of mine as she was on her way to a party three doors down from us. She is from Texas and is one of those people that somehow stir in me a need to be competitive and I think I may have challenged her to some sort of skating related duel. It turns out that the party was at the house of our video store guy, who is the coolest cat on our street. We've only ever called him 'video store guy' though and felt bad that we didn't know his name. We started to speculate about his name. I suggested that it might be Mintchinsincey, 'Minty' for short. Turns out it's Matt, so I was pretty close. Matt and Texas came over for some drinks. Then, in the blink of an eye I was in Matt's back yard, chatting with a Scottish guy who actually spoke very softly. I was way gone by then, I'm pretty sure I was annoying them and then I got trapped in their back yard trying to get out.
Fugue for a lil bit and then Kat found me sitting on the back step. She tried to make me go to bed. I was feeling ill so I made her get the bucket. Then I vomited in it. A lot. Then I tried to lie down but had to vomit again. Joy. Owing to my soused state, I forgot to have a berocca, forgot to have my liver tonic hangover remedy, forgot to drink or eat anything and just passed out.
The first thing I can remember after waking up is Kat asking me how I felt. My reply: 'like a zombie. That's been stabbed.' Oh, boy was I sick. I felt just horrible. I said to Kat 'I'm sorry.' She replied 'that's ok, I know you'd do the same for me.' I said 'I know but I never get to cos I'm too busy being me.' Poor Sunny had a stain on her head where I spilled Rum and coke on her. I went to wash my hands, but the soap dispenser was gone. I was so confused about where it had gone. Kat later found it in the sink.
Later in the night I found some texts I had sent that morning but didn't remember doing. This was to BK, who didn't come over the night before cos she's a big loser:
Me: I'm dying
Me: I'm wearing the purple shirt you gave me
BK: I just went to KFC bra less. New slutty levels reached.
Me: I fucking love you hard core that's hilarious
Me: I never go sans bra
Me: well sometimes
BK: Where is Kat?
Me: right here.
Me: watching Zoolander with me
BK: Look after her :)
Me: She is fine. I love her tits off
And this to Caddy:
Me: I'm ill
Me: I vomited
Me: twice
Caddy: ew. Why u sick? Hungover?
Me: yes almost a whole bottle of rum.
Caddy: ooooohhhhh not a smart move lol. Poor Robi :(
Me: yes. I really did not plan that correctly.
Later in the chain –
Me: please bring me KFC. ...Kidding lol ...Toasted twister ...Haha jokes ...But seriously extra seasoning on the chips pls

So, by all accounts I think that the night was a success. I can honestly say that I had heaps of fun, no drama, didn't have the stress of trying to get a cab places and I could easily fall into my own bed after a good vom and disrobing with the door open.
I believe in curses. I invented the anti-curse. It works like this: everyone who reads this will have a cool 2011. You have been anti-cursed. You're welcome.
Until the next adventure,
Stay hydrated,


  1. Anti Cursed!!!!

    That butt punch sounds like fist of fury crazy.

    I gave up alcohol, reading this has me torn, I either want to get sloshed and fall asleep in a bowl of cat food (have done this) or be very glad I may never be hungover again.

    So glad you found the soap, I was dead worried about its whereabouts when I read about it on FB.

    Happy 2011!!!

  2. haha yes turns out it was just in the sink under a plate, that's how hungover I was!
    That cat food sounds good... my Mum served dry cat food as a snack at a party once. Our friend said 'this tastes like cat food' and my Mum replied 'it is.'