Sunday, December 26, 2010


So another Christmas has been and gone. As mentioned earlier, it was my first as an atheist, and I found myself sort of adrift (in thought) more than once.
Before the day even started, I was a little irate, because I hate those group texts that people send out. They annoy the piss out of me. It doesn't show you care! It shows that you are friggin lazy and want it to appear that you care cos you send everyone in your phone a generic text. If you actually want to wish someone a merry Christmas, take the time to send them a personal one. I do this – I put their name in it and some information that shows that it is meant for them and only them, so that they know I REALLY DO WISH THEM A MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS. Don't send me a group text if we haven't even spoken for over a year or since the last time u sent out a generic text with a stupid bullshit poem about New Year's. I got a text Christmas morning from a friend interstate. It went something like this:

Her: Have a merry Christmas and don't forget the reason for the season!

Me: aren't you a Mormon?

Her: yeah lol

Me: how odd that a Mormon sends a merry Christmas message to an atheist lesbian.

Another mate sent this:

Him: have a merry Christmas, get drunk but be safe!

Me: Don't tell me what to do. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

After I recovered from my rage, we got to business. The day was planned out in advance – we went to Kat's family for brunch and mine for a late lunch. It was the first time I had met Kat's Uncle, Aunty and their two kids (how very nuclear), with whom I got along famously from the start because I feigned interest in their game boys and zuzu pets. Ok, the interest in the game boy was only partly feigned. The zuzu pet I wanted to euthanize. Fortunately that only involves removal of batteries, but I couldn't get a moment alone.
Something interesting happened when I met Kat's uncle. I shook his hand, which is customary, to show him that I was not holding any weapons that I might utilise to disembowel him. As it is, I'd much prefer to stand with both hands in my pockets, deliver a curt nod and a 'pleased to meet ya', but I was puttin' on the ritz for Kat's sake, so I shook his hand. That's when shit got weird. As he was gripping my hand, he pulled me in for a kiss on the cheek. Very rarely do my lips come in contact with any part of a man, and I certainly wasn't about to sully my day from the get-go by breaking this personal rule. So, although I was already approaching his head, I made sure my face was well away from his. This isn't anything new – I've had to put up with this before, and the other person just kisses my cheek and then I wipe it off when nobody's looking. The weird thing about this time, was that he didn't kiss me either. We just bumped the side of our heads together and released. I felt like a young and handsome Captain James Kirk observing alien protocol and custom on a new landing site. Who does this??!! Not only do I hate being forced to open my personal space bubble for a complete stranger AT ALL, EVER, now I can add confusion to the list too! I suspect he was feeling just as awkward and I hope he learns his lesson from that 'embrace'. IT'S 2010. ALMOST 2011. IT'S OFFICIAL. NOBODY HAS TO KISS ANYONE ANYMORE UPON MEETING THEM. IT'S STUPID, OUTDATED AND INAPPROPRIATE. There. Now that I've sorted that out I hope I shall never go through it again. Other than that little mishap, the morning was quite pleasant, with oysters and lobster!!
We moved on from that to Michi's place. She and her hubby the J-man have just bought a house and it is cute as hell. They've done heaps of work on it already and it looks amazing. So, we arrived just after 1pm and were greeted by their dog Ruby, who is so much better behaved that Rosie that it is like a dog-holiday. They also have a turtle, a chicken and a galah. The chicken is my fave (besides Ruby) and is called Gwen. If you crouch down near her, she will jump up on your knee for a pat. She doesn't appreciate being picked up though, and waits patiently until you put her down before she flies into a wild pecking rage aimed at your feet and ankles. So, after greeting everyone we sat down to presents. Like I said earlier, Kat and I agreed to only get each other stuff worth $30. She broke it. I didn't, so I felt like a bastard, thanks again, Christmas. Nonetheless, she seemed pleased with what I bought her – a little calendar with animals cuddling on it (sounds super lame-o, I know, but she loves that shit) and a book of 2 books – Alice in Wonderland and Alice through the looking-glass. She got me sunnies that I picked out, a hot pink chromed dog money box (I reeeeeally like shiny things) and a robot clock! I was surprised about the clock, but very excited, cos I really love robots too, and his eyes flash when the alarm goes off. I've put it on the tallboy, so that when the alarm goes off, I will have to get up to turn it off, and that way I can appreciate the flashing eyes.
So, we had a nice meal there, shot the shit and eventually had to mosey on home. Once there, we did a quick cleanup, cos we were expecting Caddy and her GF Slams around for a few drinks. They arrived bearing gifts. A few days earlier I had received this text from Caddy:

- Now, I know no one is doing Xmas presents but I accidentally bought you and Kitty something little but I want to clarify it's because I love you two, not because it's Christmas. K? Good. :) xx P.S. this does not obligate you to return the favour, in fact, please really don't. I've already overloaded on sugar and I don't need any more 'stuff and things' :D

How the hell I was blessed with such awesome mates even though I'm a bit of an asshole I'll never know, but that aside, I showed Kat the text and I said

'Well – she said not to get her anything, and I have no money anyway, so I guess we're stuck with this one.' Kat replies:

'Nup. Fuck that. I'm getting her something.'
And she did. She got her a cute retro apron and somethin else I can't remember. Caddy's gift was Haighs chocolates! We ate the WHOLE BAG on boxing day, watching 4 dvds in a row.
So, the evening was nice, and I drank a 6-pack of JD and cola. I thought that I wasn't drunk, but the next morning I found these texts that I had sent Caddy:

Me: I love u guys UR MU FAVRUT BAST FRNDS hey guess what were having MAC N CHEESE GLUTEN FREE Kat's making it I was like 'I'd prefer if u make it n I eat it' and then:

Me: THANK U 4 the choices in the candle holder! I wish I knew cos I was usi g candles (I 3> candles)

Now, that last bit is actually a mutual joke – the website when parents text that I've been laughing my ass off at for about a week – a Mum tries to write a heart like <3 but writes it like 3> and then asks how to turn the 3 around. That then put me onto the site and I sent some to Caddy after that. I think that when I wrote 'choices' I meant chocs.
So – all in all I'd say that I had a pretty good Christmas, and even though I don't believe in it – I did experience a sort of miracle – I didn't get a hangover. Thanks, baby cheeses.
Well, that's it for now!
In closing, here is a pic of my nephew on his new bike!

Peace to all!



  1. i love reading your blogs robin, you're awesome!

  2. Of frack me, those generic mass text messages really peeve me off, especially the fake sincerity from people you have not heard from all year nor are very fond off.

    It sounds like you had a lovely christmas, despite the kiss;)

    Thank you for the giggles in 2010, I hope in 2011 you write on here, like shitloads. You write some of the best yarns I have read in a very long time:)

  3. Thank u both! That's awesome of u 2 say so I indeed shall continue!
    P.S. Kat was just reading her new book I got her *dusts hands off* a job well done I'd say!