You will notice that I am wearing my derby knee and elbow pads. This was because I had a plan to slide along the ice firing the cap guns Mitchi had organised for me. Great idea, yes. Did I execute it? Uh, not quite. I had a little practice on some cut but not wet ice earlier that day, and it went well – skate fast, jump to my knees, then elbows, and slide along on the plastic, bang bang bang. Got to my dramatic entrance in the game and it went like this – fell to knees (holy balls I am going fast, there is no way I'm going to stop, let alone get to my elbows), put down hands to try to retard the speed, hands slipped out quicker than two whores in a jelly bathtub and I was on my guts, careening towards the boards. Thankfully, my cape went in the water, and I think it slowed me down. I managed to get back to my knees, gave it a go at pretending I meant it, and continued skating. From then on, I stuck to knee slides, on dry ice. The guns wouldn't fire properly, which was a bit anticlimactic, but Mitchi also got swords, so I gave one to Pump and we fought. I won. Here is me challenging him.
So, that was certainly an experience. Mitchi played the best I've ever seen her and I almost burst with pride. I also sweated like a madman in that getup.
The next event in my fortnight of blerg was that I had to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy, both in the same sitting. Joy. I honestly wasn't nervous. Lucky I didn't know it was going to be horrid. The doctor told me to eat wheat the week before, cos they were testing to see if I have Coeliac's disease. He said 'two slices of bread a day should do it', I heard 'go to town and eat your tits off to your heart's content anything with wheat in it'. I went wheat crazy. KFC, custard tart, meat pie, pizza, subway (wrap and TWO COOKIES), home made bacon and egg mcmuffins for breakfast and countless sandwiches. Good one, dick. Man, was I sick. Bloated, crampy, nauseous, headaches, lethargic, itchy, wheezy and just generally irritable. Two days before the procedure I had to have a low residue diet. I steamed fish and veggies and stuff and that was actually pretty nice. Looked like ass, but tasted better. Thursday was the killer, the day before the procedure. All liquid diet and these horrible drinks that make you shit your soul out in liquid form. When I picked them up, the chick said 'these will give you acute diarrhoea', and I think what she meant to say was 'you will go to the can five thousand times and you won't be able to tell if you're going no. 1 or 2 and you might feel like the devil is reaching inside you and making hand puppets break-dance'. I mean, I've had diarrhoea before, but holy briny barnacle balls, that was something else.
And the procedure. Well. Let me say that the staff at the Flinders Endoscopy unit are all so lovely, and they made me feel really at ease. The only problems I had were: 1. They have to put co2 inside your intestines and it REALLY EFFING HURTS and 2. The drugs made me a bit loopy right up until this afternoon, a day and a half after having them. Like I've said before, I demand honestly of myself on this blog, so here it comes. They put you in a 'twilight sleep', which means they knock you out but you're only just over that edge, it doesn't take a lot to bring you back. This is the part I'm pretty ashamed of – at one point it was pretty painful and I sort of woke up enough to whinge about it. They gave it another go, and I'm pretty sure I cried. I can remember it was excruciating, and the nurse had to hold my hand! They gave me another needle of jungle juice and I remember no more. Crying! Hand holding! Sounds like a Julia Roberts movie, not a tattooed derby girl. Pretty shattered about that, but the worst part is that I can't be sure! I went over and over it last night in my head and just couldn't get any closer. One of the drugs they give you screws with your memory too, which doesn't help. Last night, I was still feeling a little off, and I kept losing my train of thought – right before bed I went to get a drink, and as I was walking back to the room, I said to Kat 'and... as I suspected - ...oh. I can't remember where I was going with that.'
On the whole, a very strange two weeks, I'm very lucky that I have the best girlfriend known to humankind, I don't think I would have made it if it weren't for her tlc.
Four more sleeps and we leave for our holiday! I will be recording our adventures in living colour!
Cherish your virgin bums,