Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Like Cute Cow, OK?

Well, my last post was the day before NYE.  Here is a bulleted list of what has happened since then:
  • I recovered from NYE.
  • I went to Violent Krumble's birthday party and:
- got too drunk on wine (Since then I have decided no more wine),
- came home on the last train,
- dragged Mercedes into the Cumberland which is a pub near our place,
- made the bartender pour us doubles even though it was after he had called last drinks,
- promptly knocked my double rum over onto the bar and the man sitting beside me (who had kindly paid for the drinks),
- argued with a lady in the bar about the best Beatles song of all time (p.s. it is NOT Elenor Rigby, though it is decent enough),
- left the bar, taking the man who bought our drinks with us and trying to get another lady to come over (JUST FOR FRIENDLY NIGHTCAPS), but she got freaked out and left (seems I came over as 'creepy'),
- sat outside our place and asked Mercedes to make us an Old Fashioned. 
- got sick of waiting for the drink and crossed to the pub over the road from our place and tried to get in, despite the fact that I am fully aware that it shuts about 8:30pm,
- was retrieved by Mercedes, but not without a traffic sign and cone (apparently I am 16 years old),
- came home, turned the Beatles up loud and sang even louder,
- decided I would sneak off to bed,
- was busted by mercedes whilst sneaking off to bed,
- was a raging asshole to her when she tried to get me to not leave her alone with a strange man in our house and
- woke up the next morning alone in our bed and very sheepish.
  • accepted my PhD in creative writing,
  • started boot camp with my local gym, which is simultaneously strengthening and killing me,
  • reinforced my addiction to Instagram,
  • struggled through a solid week of trying to figure out how to do my website (yes, I am that douche who thinks they can do a website with no training),
  • FINALLY got the site up and running, and somewhere in there,
  • went to DERBY CAMP...
So, some people went up friday night, but on account of our impending gig, we (our band, 50 Cycle Hum) were practicing, so I went up with Kit Car Saturday morning.  We were supposed to leave a bit early, but we all got ready a bit late, so we rocked up just after lunch, when the committee meetings were happening.  I didn't even know which one I'm on now, so I moseyed up to training and asked if I could join.  They took me in and I sat there for the rest of the meeting like I knew what I was doing all along.
After that we had to clean the kitchen, which included barbeques.  Since I hate cleaning and love implementing new strategies, I suggested that we 'season' the plates instead, chef style.  This meant we really just wiped them clean and put oil on them.  Win.
Then it was swim time.  Skato and I moseyed on down to the lake together and scoped the crowd for who we could tip off a kayak in order to commandeer it.  JuJu was very accomodating.  It wasn't long before we teamed up with Coco, Kaos and JuJu and began competitions involving the kayak and sea lion impressions. 

This, after time, progressed to Coco and I having a handstand competition.  I don't know if anybody won, but we sure did help the underwater handstand movement that day.  More people now understand what that underground sport is about, and we also invented some new moves, like 'the slut' and 'the powerslide'.
As underwater handstand competitions usually go, we transferred seamlessley into underwater foot-fiving.  This is harder than it looks.  As you can see, we almost succeeded, but not before I sat on Coco's head underwater.  We might have to nail that move at a later camp.

From there we had some free time, so I wrangled up Skato, Lady, Elle Catraz and Kitty to do a talent show entry with me.  We decided on the tune to Leaving On A Jet Plane and changed the lyrics to suit derby camp.  After a few times practicing it, it was time for Smarty's chat (these are always cool) and we headed on up to the mess hall.
Nothing much to report on that, except that whoa.  When she gave us something to discuss, the room went BOONTA.  I could not believe how loud it was.  I was afraid that if I left my mouth open, my head would explode from some freak dynamics of the sheer volume in my somewhat minuature oral cavity (seriously, my mouthguard looks like it belongs to a four year old).

Little bit more practice, little bit of lovely gluten free pasta and it was time for the evening's festivities.
Before we got into the talent show acts, the lovely Grazer and Wolfie revealed which teams the Freshies were going to, and we got our awesome six in no particular order:
Singirl Malt,
Red Rolling Hood,
Rusty blades,
Frill Seeker and
So, then it was talent show time.  It was a winner.  Hosted by the demure Agnes and feisty Felicity, the acts just kept getting better and better.  The freshies wrote a song about fresh meat based on the tune to 12 Days of Christmas, the freffies did a marvellous interpretive dance to a provocative number about being sexy and fully aware of it, the crowd participated in a new game called 'which Belial is that?' (on account of the twins), there was didgeridoo, some Beatles, NKOTB rapping, a tale of American summer camps and more.  Here are a couple of pics and vids of what we did.  Again, unsavoury language...

Ok, so after we were done with the show, and nobody was any the wiser about which Belial was which, the dancing started.  Like a cheesy b-grader, we made the Freffies do their act one more time, and then, as if by magic, we all flowed onto the dance floor like the Salmon of Capistrano and it was on for young and old.  One problem - the 'dance floor' was not meant to hold that many people moshing to Smells Like Teen Spirit, and we had to stop after one of the freshies sort of fell through a hole that appearred in the floor.  Vader said, even after that, just plain swaying was making the floor bounce.  We could have died.  Died for the dance.  Hardcore, we are.

Things get a little hazy after that.  Some of us decided to have a swim.  I got in my togs (which were the source of mirth for many on account of the weird sudden bagginess of my bikini top) but when I got to the water, found it was a little breezy.  Skato (who had just emerged from the lake) spotted me and I knew immediately that she was going to try her hardest to hug me and make me as wet as she was.  She went one better: she leapt onto my back like a deranged monkey and held on with a vice grip, to enable the best transfer of moisture.  Once she was up there, she realised that she didn't know where her stuff was.  She then made me walk around and squat/lean by every dark bundle til she could identify her belongings.  I've been to the chiro once this week already, and have another appointment tomorrow...  o_O
Then, if I remember correctly, I said to Skato 'hey why don't you throw Kitty in', or words to that effect.  I didn't think she would do it!  Insert frantic emptying of pockets here and Kitty was in the drink hehe woops...
Not long after that, I snuck off to bed.  With Kit Car around, it's usually impossible, so when she was busy, I tiptoed away, but not before showing those who were still up the wonder that is MYA...

***side story of MYA***

Ok, so I have become fairly addicted to Instagram.  It's basically like twitter but photos.  You upload them from your phone, follow others and have others follow you.  I stumbled across a chick from Tokyo who posts pic of her cat, MYA.  I write it in caps, cos she does.  The thing about MYA is that she is huge, and for some unknown reason has a really bald stomach.  But, the joy of MYA is not just of an aesthetic nature (though I could look at this obese creature all day), it is also found in the comments her owner and others leave.  These are not only lost in translation, they are 'stranded on a desert island with the Skipper and mary Ann' lost in translation.  They are hilarious.  Here are a couple of examples:

The following are captions that she has put with pics of MYA:
  • However, it seemed that Mya doesn't dislike herself who does her best for her idealized image.
  • It seemed that Mya was being devoted with a feeling sufficient to exercise with emphasis on the circumference of her trunk today.
  • However, during exercise with emphasis on the waist, it seemed that Mya reacted to the words "it is no use crying over spilt milk" superfluously
  • "I would like to be a prima ballerina in the future" Mya newly decided, and grasped the fist tightly
And here are a few comments other have put up:
  • Having baby???
  • Did your cat is pregnant?
  • Mya every fat
  • looka like a pig
  • i'd like to ask u what wrong with MYA stomach? no hair around there. we concerned her so much.
Once, someone said that MYA looked like a cow (actually people say that all the time, but once we saw her reply) and the owner wrote:
'like cute cow, OK?'
Haha, ok, no need to shout.
***end of story of MYA***

Ok, so back to camp.  I snuck off to bed about four I think.  At some point someone woke me up trying to draw on my face, but luckily I'm a light sleeper.  When I awoke for real at about 7:45 I think, Kit Cat was still up.  She was pretty rat faced and had drawn on a lot of people, and put sausages on people I think.  We all gradually woke up and started to talk about breakfast and stuff.  Kit Car was slowly winding down, and began to lounge on her bed.  She asked someone to ger her some breakfast.  Gogo advised her not to sleep, as she now had many enemies.  Kit Cat did not listen, and lay down.  After that point, I was in and out of our accomodation, and every single time, I either met people going in or coming out that were there for payback.  Apparently Lashez passed out in front of the accomodation and Kit cat wrote 'I love RTR' on her forehead and someone woke up in the morning to the sight of Nyx scrubbing it off and mumbling 'you don't love the Road Train Rollers' lol...
Anyway, people were drawing on her, putting sausages on her and the such.  Then, as I was returning from my shower, I saw Wolfie ditch some sausages at her.  I mean, he really pegged them.  Then he said 'you're dead!  There are sausages all through my car!!' He then exited.  Side note: I didn't realise people used that phrase anymore, 'you're dead'... seems outdated and actually a bit comical.  Anyway...
Kit Cat grumbled about how it wasn't her, tossed the meat off the bed and rolled over.  I said:
'what was that all about?'
'Oh, someone put sausages in his car.'
'was it you?'
pause... 'not all of em'

After breakfast, it was time for the mass wedding.  My newest derby wife Coco and her first wife, Lashez had the night before approached me about something that had not been done before in a mass ADRD wedding - a ménage à trois union.  I said I was in.  I had to wake them both, but we got ready in time for the ceremony.  It was lovely.  Officiated by Smarty Pants, serenaded by Whirly, we danced in our little threesome, awkwardly twirling one another in turns.  We even got a marriage certificate!

after that, things started to wind down and hungover people wanted to hit the road.  Kit Car realised it wasn't a good idea to drive, so I had to.  Kit Car has a really nice Audi.  I subsequently had to have two massages to work out the tension I built up after three hours of worrying I was going to ding it.  Funnily enough, we came across an accident when we were two minutes from home and had to administer first aid til the ambos got there...
So, that was derby camp.  Short, sweet and slightly dodgy.
Not too much has gone down since then.  I have actually put my neck out and have started going to a new chiro, she seems good - I've never heard my body make so many cracks before.
This Saturday we have our first paying gig - at a birthday party!  We're pretty excited.  I might have to report on that too.
Now I must away, and do some real work...
P.S. my beautiful amazing girlfriend has a business making gluten free cupcakes.  Today she made them vegan too.  I'm not kidding, I usually hate vegan stuff, but these are the b.o.m.b. and I gobbled them up quick smart.  Her business is called De La Terre and her website is and if you live in Adelaide, you NEED to get onto this.  You won't regret it.  I promise.
P.P.S. that top photo of MYA?  When Mercedes saw that last night, she said 'WHOA! That is a LOT of junk in that trunk!!' lol