Friday, December 30, 2011

Inaugural, that's me.

Alright, I'm not going to begin this post with an apology for not making an entry in so long. By now I consider it applied. What I will say is be prepared for a pretty long story. Find a Cumfy seat, grab a beer, a coffee or a white wine spritzer and pop on your bifocals. I need to go back a little bit...
*wiggly flashback music and effects*
Remember that badass sport that I play, roller derby? Well, I'm not sure whether I mentioned it or not, but I was lucky enough to be chosen to represent Australia at the first ever Roller Derby World Championships, hosted by Blood and Thunder magazine and Toronto Roller Derby, in Toronto. Well, since Aus is pretty much the exact opposite of the globe from Toronto, I was set up to shell out a lot of cash. So, the moment I was selected, I nutted out ways to raise money to get there. The Lil' Adelaide Rollers (Adelaide's junior league) jumped on board straight away, they were amazing support from the start. They (in addition to being brilliantly skilled and clever kids) were brilliantly skilled fundraisers too, and presented me with an oversized novelty cheque to the amount of $1500. Like I said, amazing. Also, I made myself a Pozible project and (thanks to the kindness of my family, friends and even some strangers) raised a whopping $1600 there too. Lastly, my amazing band, 50 Cycle Hum agreed to performing a fundraising gig for me which raised another $700!

So. That's where the story starts, with a quick rundown of the gig. So with a Pozible, you have to provide rewards for the different amounts that people might pledge to your project. In addition to this, it's advisable to promote it by offering incentives to reach certain milestones. For example, I promised that I would re-enact the dance fusion scene from The Office (British version) in the middle of Rundle Mall if I reached $650 by a certain day. I did. I haven't done the dance yet, but I will. The next incentive that I thought of was to get it over the $1000 mark - I promised to perform the last set of our fundraising gig in a onesy. I did. It was velour and bloody hot.

Though we had done a couple of gigs before, this one was to be in front of a lot more people that knew me, so I was a little bit more apprehensive than usual. The Squatter's Arms pub in Thebarton let us have the room for free (awesome) and we charged people ten bucks at the door. As well as my band volunteering and the pub donating the room, my mate Lori who is a wicked stand up comedienne also emceed the evening, performing as both herself and later on, as her alter ego, Granny Flaps. Sometimes I'm a little flabbergasted at people's kindness.

Anyway, I accidentally got a bit drunk. I had three different costumes prepared for the night, the onesy that I borrowed from Brain being the finale one. My amazing girlfriend Mercedes got me dressed in it, the big bolt pinned on the front, the bolt on my face and my hair teased complete with glitter in about 7 minutes flat.

The band played amazingly as usual, though I screwed up a couple of songs cos I'm not used to the absence of a fold back speaker (but also cos I'm not a great singer lol), so I'll have to learn to be prepared for that possibility.
So, my one goal was to have a moshpit, and possibly a little crowd surfing. Moshpit was achieved for the encore song, which was Killing In The Name, a personal fave of mine. Crowd surfing... Well, one person did, but only on one person. To understand this, you'll just have to watch the following vid. Be prepared: like I said, I was drunk. I have a potty mouth when sober, so... You get the gist. Listen for me telling the crowd to 'calm their tits' - that's how you can tell I'm truly sauced. Enjoy...!/video/video.php?v=10150373447106205

After we finished, Liss n Jars headed home, and so did Tash, leaving me to party for a few more hours with these questionable characters:

I got very excited to find $2... (I'm holding it here)

Then Skato stole it and gloated.

We slapped her hard.

All in all, it was a smashing good time.

So that was a week before I left. Then I had to go to Kit Car's wedding the next day which was a great combo of really nice and really 'Kit Cat and Paul', so it was ace. Unfortunately, I could not consume any more alcohol after the night before so I was a sensible wedding guest but I danced and enjoyed myself no less. I will my whole life never forget the sight of Kit Car, exquisite wedding dress hitched up, moshing and shouting the words to Killing In The Name which played at her request.

Alright, so onto the World Cup!

I left Saturday the 26th Nov, which was heartbreaking for two reasons. Mercedes and I are attached at the hip and also the Lil' Adelaide Rollers had their first friends and family bout that day, which went really well and had heaps of support from local derby leagues. I suffer pretty badly from Jetlag, so I had to go then, or risk not be recovered for playing.
I flew over with the girls from Canberra - King Cam, Shortstop, Bambi Von Smasher and AmyKazee.  This was great, as I didn't have to be alone, and I also had people to entertain with my 'grab the seat phone and pretend it's a direct line to the president' gag.  The trip took ages, since we pretty much could not be further from Canada.  In fact, the most distance travelled by a world cup participant was whatever the hell distance I went, cos it was me.

When we arrived, we put our bags in our room and went to the hotel bar for a snack.  Wings.  My favourite thing to have in Canada, besides anything grape flavour.  I also had to have my customary 'just arrived in country and checked my bags in' drink, which is an old fashioned, like Don Draper drinks in Mad men.  I'm Don Draper, in lesbian form except that I don't earn heaps of money or have good ideas for ad campaigns.
The next day we slept til midday and went shopping.  I rejoiced cos I found a place that made gluten free burgers, and I had Atlantic salmon on it.  I also bought a green and gold beanie and then went to a local ice rink for a skate.  I like to get on my ice skates before playing derby.  It's really relaxing for me, as it takes me back to my roots and reminds me that skating is fun, lest I get caught up in too much pressure.  Here is me and my hair monster at the rink:

The next day we went to Niagara Falls, which was my fifth time, but it's still beautiful.  we marvelled at squirrels, oohed and ahhed at the falls and I bought a poncho because as it wasn't quite winter yet, there was still lots of overspray and I don't like getting water on me, especially my face.  Note: I do shower and swim, just don't like falling water on me.
The next couple of days went by pretty quick, with sporadic meetings of team members that I didn't know (almost everyone) and all of a sudden it was Tuesday, which was the day of our first training together.

My first impression of the venue was one of disappointment.  It was completely underwhelming, an old warehouse out of the way somewhere that even the local bus driver took ages to find.  There was a tiny a-frame sign outside one of four plain doors, with a sign attached that simply read 'roller derby'.  It was a piece of paper inside a plastic sleeve, clinging tenuously to the sign with a lonely piece of sticky tape.  It was half folded over, and beginning to run on account of the sleet (and the inadequate plastic sleeve).
Inside, my first thought was that this was just a training venue and that the actual tournament would be held elsewhere but that wasn't the case.  We couldn't get the toilet lights to work and I didn't want to go in the dark, cos I had a very strong feeling that there may have been a toilet ghost in there.  I held it.

We trained on the track that we would be using for our first two games, against Germany and Finland.  It was very slippery, but I have skated on worse.  I made a mental note to clean my wheels.  There were big pylons on the inside of the tracks, padded for skater safety but at least the track was nicely marked out, which was a redeeming feature.  Though I thought the venue was pretty rough for a world cup of anything (I imagine even dwarf throwing to have a little more luxury), I made up my mind to love it nonetheless, as I figured we needed as much positivity as possible.  During the tournament, I found out that it wasn't hosted by WFTDA as I had initially thought - it was hosted by Toronto Roller Derby.  This made much more sense, and I inwardly chastised myself for dissing their venue.  For an event held by just one local league, it was actually really good, and at least it had that underground 'get back to derby roots' feel.  Also, by the time the first games started, they had it looking pro.

Trainings can be a difficult time for me.  I am a very visual learner and tend to find my mind wandering if I have to listen to someone talk for too long.  I also expend so much energy trying to assimilate the things I'm learning, that I never skate very well and usually come off looking like a bit of a newborn giraffe.  So, all that, combined with the fact that I had just met most of my team the day before and also I had to learn a bunch of new strategies meant I was a bit nervous and generally gooberish.  At one point I thought to myself  'all this new shit is hard.  How the hell will I cope?' but immediately quashed the doubt.  I knew that at that point, my belief that I could do it was possibly all that held me to the ground.

I will briefly explain why all this strategy was new to me.  I don't watch derby.  I probably should, and I will probably try to from now on.  Also, Adelaide is sort of bottom of the food chain when it comes to new stuff, it seems to take longer to filter through to us, so I went into the tournament knowing very little of everything that everyone else is doing around the world at the highest level of the game.
I feel I do my best when playing.  Scrimmaging too, but particularly playing.  There's something about the atmosphere that just makes me leave it all on the track.  So, when we didn't scrimmage at either of the practices, I was concerned that I had not shown our coach what I could do.  I needn't have worried, he's a fantastic coach and has a plan, always. Lookit 'im here amping us up:

Like I had hoped, he arranged for everyone to get a game on our first day.  I wasn't on the roster for Germany, so I got myself a good seat and made ready to cheer my ass off.  We had very little knowledge of other teams in the cup.  We knew that USA would school us if we ever met them, we knew we were probably a pretty even match with NZ, but that was about it.  Germany had an air of mystery about them.  I think that people thought they would be the strongest in our pool (Australia, Germany and Finland), as they'd played a few games before.  I'm pretty sure Germany thought the same thing - well at least the three who shared an elevator with our manager Nicky Knockout (who is an absolute legend) and told her that they weren't playing against us, because their coach was sitting them for the hard games.  I guess their coach may have felt a teensy bit silly when we schooled them 136-53.

My first game was against Finland. I was nervous to be doing the new strategies and blocking styles but fortunately for me, there were some girls in the team who knew that stuff well, and they were amazing.  Ruby Ribcrusher (our captain), Sculley, Ladykiller, Muzzarati, Rose Ruin and Slawta Dawta all helped to make me calm and focused on the tasks at hand.  Whenever I wasn't sure, I would ask them (literally, on the track, say 'what do we do now?') and they always had an answer.  I tried my best to be always touching someone, looking for someone if we got separated, and listening for instruction.  When I got it, I tried to execute it immediately.  I felt myself settle in, though those first two bouts were only two halves of twenty minutes, and I always seem to forget how to lay a big block until about twenty minutes into any game.  At one point, Nicky stood in front of me and said:
'do you jam in your home league?'

*insert nodding head plastered with a grin*

'would you like to jam next?'

*insert vigorously nodding head that is now 90% maniacal joy expression with a pair of eyes and a nose on there somewhere*

So I waited in the jammer seat, and sprang up when the cacophony of whistles sounded.  I rushed out to the track, holding up my arm for the panty.  I'm not going to lie, I was nervous.  I lovelovelove to jam, but I had prepared myself that with jammers like Rose Ruin, Cookie Cutter, Short Stop, Bambi Von Smash'er and Ladykiller I probably would be simply blocking, which was still fine with me, cos I love to block also.  But, there I was, standing on the line, star on my helmet, in the green and gold.  That's not the only reason I was nervous.  When I jam at home, the blockers ask me what I want when we're waiting to go out.  My standard response is 'I wanna meet a blocker at the back, no walls and don't forget their jammer.'  Well.  I was about to meet all four of them at the back, cos it's all about owning the back now.  So, check.  'No walls'... no luck.  If I meet all four of my blockers, then I'm about to meet four foes as soon as I get through.  So, that was something I had to learn quick smart - trying to force a wall of four to ten feet so they have to let me through.  I'd never done this before, as probably my biggest strength is agility, and that requires gaps.  I jammed twice that game and loved it.  I finished the game thinking that if that was the only game I played I would be happy.

Anyhow, we won the game again by quite a margin - 179-29 and went on to play Scotland.  When I was named for the squad for that bout, I couldn't believe my luck!  I resolved to leave it all on the track again, skated my heart out and we won 251-48.  That win put us through to the quarter final with Sweden.  We knew that if we won that bout, we would meet the USA in the semis.  We did.  Initially I wasn't playing against Sweden, but at the last minute I was added and we beat them 126-80.  Here are a couple pics of that game, in the second one I'm crushing someone's fingers by accident:

So then it was USA.

Lemme tell you some things about team USA.  A lot of these girls have been playing this game for years upon years, some of them almost ten years I think.  They train like crazy, up to five times a week.  They take the sport seriously.  Thus, they are very, very good.  Fortunately for me, I don't watch footage on the net, so I had no idea who the majority of them were.  Ignorance was bliss for me.  I definitely respect them as amazing sportswomen but they're still people, not robots.  Actually, maybe Bonnie Thunders might be a robot - she's certainly some kind of derby machine.  Anyhow, I just didn't see the point in fainting with ecstasy when these girls were in the room.  I'm pretty sure if any of us trained five times a week for eight years against a million other leagues and skaters we would be that tight too.  Having said that, I was honoured to be playing against the finest skaters in the business, and keen to see how it would be. 

Now, I have no idea what went on in their bench, but I can only assume that if you are going into a tournament with the full knowledge that you will whoop every opponent, then surely you need some kind of motivation to keep striving.  If I had to guess, I would say that maybe they were aiming to beat a team by a certain margin, or perhaps finish a game without the other team having gotten on the board.  Like I said, I have no idea if this was the case, but those girls took to that game like it was the gold medal bout.  I was really stoked at the way they played.  I felt that they respected us as players, despite the vast gap in our skills.  I never at any stage felt like they were 'letting us get through' (quite obvious given the score of 532-4).  It was a pleasure playing against them and I learned so much from watching them, they were like one fluid unit.  At one point, we decided to change things up a bit, and started on the pivot line instead of the jam line, like every single jam in the tournament.  This seemed to rattle them, and we were able to get our jammer (Juke Nukem) through for four points!  We were ecstatic, clearly shown in the photo below, at the bottom of the blog.

So, after losing that game, we found ourselves in the bronze medal bout against England.  In the first ten minutes we thought we had a chance, and at one stage were leading about 44 to 16 if I recall correctly, but then they just exploded and gradually took the lead, pumping it to 203-85 by the final whistle.  They played the same systems we did, but were simply the better team, and deserved that medal.

So, that was our tournament.  Fourth place!  We were real proud of ourselves.  As the games progressed, I was constantly reminded of how many people were behind us at home, with my family, friends and league (my league and Lil' Adelaide Rollers too actually) constantly posting messages of support on Facebook.  I never forgot either, all the people who had helped me get there financially - on my Pozible, at our gig and at the LAR stuff and I would like to take this opportunity once more to thank everyone who had a hand in my trip. 

Some new mates from the Cup...

While I was there, I was able to catch up with some of the awesome chicks from the league in London (Ontario) too - Slacker Smacker gave me a robot necklace and made me a sign!  And my crazy derby wife Mirambo was at the finals in a one piece Canada suit!

Then, with all the games done and dusted, it was time to party.  We got home a bit late and then had to eat, so it was a while before I was able to get to the party.  I got there and made a beeline for the Scottish girls, knowing they would be partying hard.  Indeed they were, as I found Bandit wearing nothing but team Scotland stickers from the waist up.  Then Amanda Jamitinya sauntered past me, covered in birthday cake and wearing nothing whatsoever from the waist up.  I knew I wasn't drunk enough, so I ordered two drinks at a time.  I remember I chatted to Val Capone for a little while and Poison Pixie from NZ, then we were at the hotel.  We arrived just as the cops had broken up the party in the hotel bar, so we couldn't go there.  I guess maybe the Crowne Plaza will think twice before hosting twelve roller derby teams again.  Never to be halted by mere law enforcement, the Scots took the party to their room.  That's when things got a little hazy.  Evidently I was there, cos there are photos to prove it:

All I know, is I woke up in my room, alone and possibly dead.  My first thought is that the Canberra girls left without saying goodbye, but later they sent me this pic with the message that they did try to wake me, to no avail:

I got up and showered, at one point panicking with the thought that I had gone deaf until I realised there was no sound purely because there was nothing happening, and I relaxed.  It was the worst hangover I have ever experienced.  I called the front desk to ask for a late checkout and realised very suddenly that I had no voice.  Not just a husky voice, but no. voice. at. all.  From then on I had to write things down on a piece of paper!  I made my way very slowly to the greyhound terminal and wrote this on the paper to the ticket guy:

Hi!  I've lost my voice.  I would like a ticket on the next bus to London, please.

I wonder if he felt like as much of a dick as I thought he was when he wrote his reply on the paper!  I said I lost my voice, not my hearing!  I had just enough time to get a snack and line up for the bus.  I noticed at the snack bar that they sold 'meat patties'.  I was stoked, cos a lot of the time meat patties are wheat free.  Imagine my surprise when I got a little parcel of pastry with spicy mince inside.  There I was, scraping mince out of a pasty with my fingers, swaying side to side with possible alcohol poisoning, waiting for my bus.  I boarded and sat beside a girl watching a dvd.  I put on my headphones and tried to relax.  My headphones have a little battery powered thingy that you turn on and it drowns out external sounds.  thanks to this, I had no idea what was going on outside my little world.  This led to surprise when the driver pulled over on the outskirts of town.  I took my headphones out and asked around what was going on.  Turns out there was a belligerent drunken lady on board who was going off and just would not shut up. I had heard none of it - none of her ramblings or the other passengers telling her to shut her mouth.  We had to wait about fifteen minutes til the cops came and got her.

So, finally I arrived in London and my mate Bren picked me up.  By that stage I had already caught some kind of cold on the bus and was destined to be horribly sick for the rest of the week.  So, it was filled with moaning, groaning, coughing, sneezing, nose blowing, resting, a shopping trip and a tattoo.  On the Friday night, Bren's mate Carla drove in from Michigan and they took me to dinner at an ace restaurant in town.  We drank some red wine.  We ate some ridiculously good food.  We drank some more wine.  The restaurant closed.  We went home.  We drank some more wine.  Then, evidently we slipped into Ukraine mode:

I woke up the next day horribly hungover again and pottered around packing my luggage.  We made the executive decision to spend that last night in Toronto, as my flight the next morning was really early.  Bren got us a wicked room in a swanky hotel and we hit the town.  We spent the night in an Irish bar, cracking ourselves up at how funny and witty we were as we picked everyone around us to pieces according to dress, creepiness and drunkness.  This is us on the town:

When we arrived back at the hotel, the lobby was filled with people.  the bar had just closed but there were still loads milling around.  I noticed people wearing hats that read 'Tap out' and realised that we were at the hotel where some UFC dudes were staying.  Cauliflower ears abounded, intermingled with miniature clothing hanging on emaciated women, glowing orange with fake tans and too-white teeth jumping from their smiling mouths.  We did a little more people watching - my sad favourite was a little drunk guy stumbling around with a look of hopefulness on his face each time someone came through the automatic doors.  He clutched at his hat covered in signatures and a black sharpie.

We eventually went to bed and got two hours sleep before we had to get up and leave for the airport.  My first flight is a blur, and when I landed in LA I made a beeline for a hotel, ate bad food, slept in a room with a bunch of arguing Russians next door, showered and hopped back on a plane to Australia.
With amazing forethought I packed two temazepam and (after somehow lucking out and getting a row to MYSELF) took them, drank five or so bourbons (and spilled one directly into my lap) and passed out.  My favourite flight ever.

So, I came home.  I walked up the ramp in Adelaide to my beautiful girlfriend waiting for me.  We were inseparable for days on end after that and she had to take care of me cos I had a sinus infection.  I made myself NOT skate so that I could get better.  As a result, here I sit, on New year's eve, writing my last blog of the year and I still haven't skated on my new Torches.
So.  That's the story of the trip.  Sorry about the length!  I hereby solemnly vow that 2012 will see me writing more posts!
Hope everyone has a great night and a wicked year!

Oh.  And P.S. an embarassing thing happened whie I was at the world cup.  I bought  new lip balm, one of the ones Mercedes has so it would remind me of her...
*In the lift with Kazee applying the lip balm*
Kazee: 'you know you have lip balm all around your mouth, right?'
'yeah, I like to apply it real well.'
'Did you know it's red?'
'WHAT?!?' *spins around to see in the mirror* 'AARGH!  I didn't know it had colour!  I've been wearing it like this for days!!' *frantically wipes it off*
I looked like an old woman who can't apply her lippy anymore!  All I needed was to have it on my teeth!  So, I got back to my room and told King that little story.  Her reply:
'Oh yeah.  I saw that the other day but didn't say anything.'

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Kia Ora and other stuff...

Wow. What a weekend.
Ok, so I'll be honest. I've never been to NZ before, and I am actually pretty ignorant about that country in general. I guess I have always just been so hooked up on destinations further away, that I never bothered to look close to home. I thought it would be just like here. Wrong.
I was initially worried about getting there with all the airport bullshit going on. I really hate to follow the news, so I'm not gunna pretend I know loads about it. I'm just gunna shoot my mouth off instead. People so worried about money that they will use the power they have to fuck with people's lives... It's dumb. Rant over, cos it actually didn't affect me and I got there fine. Owing to the fact that I am essentially a fool (please say in a QLD accent) I didn't even print out the itinerary for the trip and when I arrived at Auckland realised that I had little to no idea who was coming next, and when. I was not too fazed, as I was hungry, so I went to Maccas to get a couple of meat patties, cos they are gluten free.
'Hi, can I please have two cheeseburger meat patties, just the patties, and a medium chips?'
'So, you want just the bun, cheese and meat?'
'Umm, no... No bun, no cheese (cos that would be just a CHEESBURGER), just the meat.'
'...just the meat...'
'just the meat.'
She turns around and tells the chick making the food, who then shouts 'ARE YOU SERIOUS?'
Yes. I am serious, as serious as having IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME SO JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING PATTIES! Please.
Anyhow, they were actually really tasty so I was sufficiently placated.
So, I sat around for an hour or so before I spotted Juju and her beau, then I felt a little better, as they had the details I didn't. Long story short, we got to the accomodation and headed out to dinner. We ate in a place that was made of an old stable. It was super cool, full of hipster charm and I ate veggies (cos, only negative thing to report, hardly anyone knew about gluten free stuff and I rarely noticed an option on a menu), but they were delushus (see what I did there?).
From there we went for a walk and that's when I first noticed how beautiful the city is. In the main st (Queen st?) there is a ridonkulously huge New Zealand flag hanging over the street. I think Kiwis are super patriotic which is a really cool vibe and also they seem to embrace their Maori heritage way more than Australia does (with Aboriginals, we don't have lots of Maoris).
I went to a supermarket with Bessy, Coco and Holga. Again I was surprised at the things in the country I was so sure would be no different from my own - they call shopping trolleys 'trundlers'. Trundlers. Like a robot. Knocked up another notch in my book. Bananas were LES THAN THREE DOLLARS A KILO. Another notch. They sell pork rind that freely advertises that only people with strong teeth should attempt to ingest them. Notch. Average gluten free section but I was still on a trundler high so I didn't mind.

Dinner, bed, sleep in. Some peeps were going to a market so I tagged along. Turns out the 'market' was a strip approximately 20m long of about three stalls, but I did find a sweet shirt there, so still a win. It was only $10, which is like $8 AU so, yeah, win. This shirt is for our upcoming gig, it is part of my costume changes, so you don't get to see it yet.
On the way to the markets, we passed a poster advertising our bout. We then stopped for photos, attracting the attention of several drunk men loitering outside a 24hr bar. At 11 in the morning. They then posed with us, which was cool. That poster was popular for the rest of the trip.
I then bought a new robut - behold, SpeedyTrundleTron:

He goes FAST. I took him to the bout as a calming influence. We consulted him several times when we got a little ratty.
Oh yeah, the bout.
So, the venue was pretty cool. It only had stands on one side of the track, but they had the same setup we do, with the announcer stage behind the penalty box, which is between the team benches. I like it like that. They also swapped benches half time, which I've never done in derby before, and I like that too, it's more fair I think.
The only things Ididn't like were the sticky floor and the raised track, it ripped up a but too easily, but that could have been because the people who laid it had no idea how that tape would work with that surface. Both things out of anyone's control, so meh.
We had a pretty dynamic warm up, I drew our agility ladder on the floor and the team got right into it - it's cool cos it gives everyone the freedom to warm up how they like. I then took the customary ten minutes to get my bloody tight skins on, grunting like Octomum bearing down for her litter the whole time.
We had a 45 min on track warm up, which went pretty well considering we were all sticking to the floor like snot to a finger. We knew the Pirate City Rollers were big hitters - we had been preparing for weeks, and then we cemented it by training as hard as we could. I felt my neck crack once.
Onto the bout. Sweet tune for the skate out thanks to Coco and the crowd (who were really cool actually - way nicer than some of the ruffians at the Newy bout, but to be fair I think they were from Sydney lol) clapped along, they were ace.
Play began and, well, let me just say that we were right about how hard they were gunna hit us. I haven't been hit that hard since TGSS, against SSRG. My first jam, in which I blocked, I came up against Skate The Muss, who LAID. ME. OUT. lemme just say something about Skate The Muss. I watched her play in TGSS and can remember thinking 'hard core. I wanna be just like her.' so, I was actually super pumped to skate against her and (like the weirdy I am) was stoked when she belted me. The fact that I didn't die bolstered me and I was motivated to skate harder.
PCR have some wickedly talented ladies playing for them - Muss, Terror Satana, Pieces of Hate, Pentakill, Perky Nah Nah, Fia Fasi Oe, Big Mack, TinkerBash to name a few. Heaps of the team also play for team NZ.
So, like I said, they came at us like a bull from a gate, and I think we definitely got a little rattled. We started to play ratty and get some time in the box. I'm not sure what changed it (possibly SpeedyTrundleTron) but somehow we pulled our heads in after maybe 5-10 mins and started to calm down, play the strategies we had practiced and things started to fall into place. We were able to get some high points jams, owing to some great bunnying and our super fit jammers, so we finished the half leading by 58, at 106 - 48.
At some point in that first half Pentakill was ejected, I think for an 'egregious low block', but I could be wrong.
Quick pee (and subsequent struggle with my skins again), and we were back on, but with a terrible start. If I recall correctly, we had two blockers in the box, our jammer in the box and one of the other blockers waiting for a seat there. This was a recurring theme for us in the second half, which could have almost led to our downfall, as PCR began to capitalise on this and claw their way back up the board, closing the gap. I gotta be honest, we really did struggle with penalties that second half, and it sucked, but we managed to hold onto and then boost our lead back to 59, to win the game with a score of 185-126.
I know this isn't a very descriptive account of the bout, but I just plain can't remember details. It's normal for me, and a curse. For an actual rundown of the bout, along with some hilarious banter from Those watching, go here.
Bus back to the accommodation for a quick deodorant application, then off to the after party. We needed to get dinner first. Quick pause for a phot shoot with the poster:

Though I was about to violate my insides with liquor, I didn't want to eat stuff that would make me sick, and since nobody there seems to know about gluten and all that jazz, I ate a packet of chips for dinner. This, coupled with the fact that I drank two bourbons, five Smirnoff blacks and several ciders led to me being somewhat drunk, somewhat quickly, and by 'somewhat', I mean 'very', and by 'very', I mean 'mammoth-daddywalrus-stoooopid drunk, almost instantly'.
At the bar, there was a WICKED band playing, Masters of Metal I think they were called. The front man was wearing a pink, one piece jumpsuit with a cut-out heart at the chest, exposing all his man pelt.

We danced. We moshed. He crowd surfed. Then SparKill (talented player for PCR having a year off) got up and played the keys to Final Countdown and we went crazy. See for yourself:

The only thing that could rival the coolness of the band was Kit Car's air guitar. She uses the air effects pedal even.

Note: all this time I am still wearing the painted-on skins, making toilet breaks not only wobbly but an arduous workout. I did meet some wicked awesome chicks there though, which took much of the focus from the pants struggle. If there was ever a time I truly wished for an adult diaper, it was then.
So, great after party, but the absolute highlight was that I scored myself a new derby wife. Let me begin by saying that this does not mean I love my other wives any less, they are just both far away from me. So. For the longest time I have been in awe of this player. Two years to be exact, since I started playing. She is just so derby cool. She has the focus of a robet, the stealth of a puma and the stone cold gaze of a King Cobra. Nothing ever seems to faze her and she is lethal on the track, making brilliant plays, swift decisions and dishing out big hits. She also jams fantastically too. She is a great all rounder, just like what I'm striving to be, and I've also grown really attached to playing with her. I would never have had the guts to propose though, so I was ecstatic when she did! My new derby wife is Coconut Rough, so from this moment on anyone that fucks with her will get bingo wing pinches from me like never before.
Ok. So the evening was going swimmingly, and we spilled out of the bar and on to better things, namely SparKill's place. Quick pause for a pic with the poster:

I don't think I have ever seen a cooler apartment. The door is on the street, between two places, maybe a cafe and something else. Owing to all the vodka and cider and the lack of foodstuffs, I cannot elaborate at this time, except to say that her windows opened directly out onto the roof above the shops and we spent the majority of the night out there, having meaningful conversations that I can't remember and heckling the passersby. Maybe it was just me that did the heckling. Things I can remember are:
- SparKill has a million pairs of shoes and Kit Car berated her for not looking after them properly,
- Pieces of Hate has a sister who is a really good Rugby player and coach,
- Skato can twist your arm back up painfully behind your back really quickly and make you squeal like a Nancy,
- SparKill has a giant sketching dummy thingy, see pic below,
- and when I am that drunk, I can't even play chopsticks on the piano, and forget about a duet of Heart and Soul.
At some point Hate's sister Jaxs came back and somehow forced me to leave with her and go to a night club. It was closed. I think we may have been trying to get into another when dawn happened and we started to see people that were up and about for a marathon that was on that morning. It was pitiful. We then went to Wendy's for a burger. Insert the same 'burger with no bun please' speech here, complete with the confusion about why on earth any human being would want to eat a burger without the bun. If I wasn't already enough of a douche, I then became that guy with a speech about the toilets. 
'where are your toilets please?'
'upstairs, but they are closed until 7.' (it was about 6 at this point)
'yes... But I need to use them now...'
'uhhh, Ill get my manager...'
*manager saunters over*
'I need to use the toilets please.'
'Theyre closed til 7.'
'yes, but you are required by law to provide them, so show me to them please.'
*stares me down, then shows me to the toilets*
I win.
After this, I ate my bunless burger, complete with the lugies that I'm sure would have been present and made my way home. I actually cannot believe I remembered the way in that state.  This is me on my journey home:


I woke up in the morning with my eye stripe still on and in my smelly singlet too. I evidently had the presence of mind to change into my trackies.
Krumbs woke me up and I ventured out with her, Skato and Holga to get food. I thought I was dying. I realised my new hat was gone, and the fretting about that took my mind off the fact that I was dead from alcohol consumption. I found out my hat was at SparKill's place and rejoiced, then felt dizzy from the rejoicing.
Later that night, we went to a place called Burger Fuel. It is a freaking sweet burger joint that offers gluten free burgers!! I actually became so excited about the impending burger that I forgot to order it gluten free. Luckily I remembered just in the nick of time and they changed my order. We all ate in the square as the sun was setting and watched people doing all different stuff. There were some girls doing the Haka, some guys using freeline skates and a funny little security guard wearing a day-glo vest meant for a bigger man, who alternated between carrying a skateboard and riding it with the stance of a startled rabbit.
On our way back, Skato and I came across this little guy:

He is a butterfly without wings. We named him La Mouche (here Skato is giving him a shush-a-go), and had hours of fun with him, while we all sat around nursing our heads and reminiscing about our antics the previous night.  Allegedly, I was perched on a roof hurling advice at passers-by, and here is evidence to prove it:

I also learned that I gouged Skato's neck hole whilst trying to bring her down in a pressure point war.
A little sleep in, a little flight and I was home, miraculously unaffected by the airline strikes. A very successful weekend by all accounts - not just the bout, but all the new mates I made and the fact that I fell in love with ann amazing country and WILL be back.
My favourite comment from the weekend was when Hitty came into my room, looked at my puffers and said 'you know, natural selection dictates that you should probably be dead.' lol I love my team!

Just before I leave, on another note - I have been fundraising for my upcoming trip to Toronto for the Roller Derby World Cup. I made myself a Pozible project, which is basically a community funded sorta thing. I have received an overwhelming response, with friends, family and even people I don't know pledging to help me get there, it's amazing. So, I just wanna give a shout out to the following people for helping me to get there and represent not only Australia but Adelaide too:
Rhiannon Burner, Wayne Hall, Kathy Lee, Melanie Hocking, Lana Vickridge-Smith, Kylie Cardell, Melanie Jones, Susan Hall, Leisa Gosling, Shannon Hall, Sarah Mooney, Tim Talbot, Cat Lynch, Courtney Ball, James Hopkins, Suzy Pow, Olivia O'Poconower, Luke Boyle, Pistola Balboa, Samantha Burgess, Christina Gonzales and the lovely Lula Belle.
In addition to this, the Little Adelaide Rollers have jumped on board from day dot and done SO MUCH for me, they are just amazing. If you live in Adelaide and have a kid aged 8 to 17 who wants to play roller derby, get onto LAR, they're on facebook and here.
If you live in Adelaide and want to help out combined with a good time, come to our fundraising gig, facebook invite here. I sing in 50 Cycle Hum and will be having some interesting costume changes on the night, in fact I have decided that if my Pozible reaches $1000, I will do one of our sets in a lycra onesy.
Alright, that is about it! Thanks for watching and stay cool San Diego.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

She's been hunted, she's been shot at, she's been...

Well, again, I have left it a little too long.  I kinda think I have an excuse though, as I am currently on my small business (cert IV) course.  'For what business' you say?  I can't tell you.  But, in good time I will be plastering it all over here and shoving it down your throats so don't despair.  Some things I can tell you it's not:
  • It's not a pyramid scheme,
  • It's not a nutrimetics franchise,
  • It's not a personalised lingerie line (though that would be very lucrative, presuming everyone wants nothing but boyleg hipsters),
  • It's not manufacturing life-like 'companion' dolls,
  • And it's definitely not workin' for the man, I will be my own boss.  Cos I'm bossy like that.
Ok.  News:
  1. I was selected to play roller derby for Adelaide and then Australia,
  2. I decided to start my own business (already discussed),
  3. I got a 2A for my honours and
  4. I sing in a band.  I use that term loosely.
Ok, so firstly my honours.  Since I was simply praying for a pass, I was stoked.  Now, giddy with the knowledge that somebody liked what I wrote - I'm going to apply for my PhD.  I might get accepted, I might not, but I'll never know if I don't go for it.  So that's in December.  I have a (what I think is a) killer plan for my project but again, I can't divulge lest one of you crooks steal it.
Moving on.  So, Michi called me a few weeks ago, the convo went like this:
Me: 'hi!  What's up?'
Michi: 'nothin.  Wanna sing in our band?'
Me: 'ok!!' (thinking that she meant practicing for a few months so I can actually learn to sing)
Michi: 'wachoo doing this Sat'dy?'
Me: 'oh... nothin' I don't think...'
Michi: 'good.  We have a gig.'
So.  I had about five days to learn 10-15 songs.  Now, you think that would be easy - just listen to them a few (hundred) times and the words will sink in.  Nope, not quite how it works.  When you have Kurt Cobain, Eddie Vedder or Jim Morrisson singing along with you, you can fudge the notes a little and just sing soft and it's all good.  When you are the only singer, it gets hairy.  We had two jams before the gig, but surprisingly, it went well!  It helps that Michi, Jars and Tash are so talented (at the bass, lead guitar and drums respectively) so they sound wicked.  The gig was a private party with an interesting array of ages present, probably from about 18 to maybe early 60s.  We play covers of old rock, new rock, blues and a bit of other stuff in between, so there was something for everyone.  In a fit of nerves, I introduced myself as Robot Rocket, RoRo for short.  It was heaps of fun, we had people dancing and all!  Thus, 50 Cycle Hum was born.

We had another gig recently at the same place.  We had some more songs by then, and I sang for three sets (after the usual acoustic style set with Michi and jars which they KILL).  Set one I loved - Creep (Radiohead style) was in there, and I friggin love singing that, especially when I can hit all the notes.  Set two I made a few booboos, but the fantastical music stylings of the band picked up my slack.  Set three was wicked and ended with Michi and I swapping - I played bass (like Rainman) while she sang Rockin' in the Free World.  Michi and Tash also do some wicked fusion kinda thing with Michi singing verses of things and Tash rhyming in between them.  They did it to Mercedes Benz that night.
We even met a lady called Trudy - who likes to dance:
The gig was for Tash's Dad's birthday and he was super pleased.  We took a few other friends with us and also met some crazy Kiwis who were doing up a bus for road tripping and drinking homemade alcohol.  They poured it on the bench an set it on fire.  Then they let us get on the roof of the bus.  One of the people we brought with us was a Canadian girl who is playing hockey with the local chick's team, the Adelaide Adrenaline.  She and I shared this exchange:
Me: 'I'm a robot.'
Her: 'no you're not.'
Me: 'well I'm not human.'
Her: 'no, of course you're not, you're a precious gem stone.'
Me: 'really?  Ok.  Wait, what?'
Her: 'you're a piece of amber (which, by the way is my favourite stone).'
Me: 'are we even having this conversation (I turned to Mercedes and she confirmed that we were) actually, I really love amber, but I think it's only semi-precious at best.'
Her: 'I'm not even human!'
Me: 'wait, what?'
Her: 'I'm not a person.'
Me: 'then what are you?'
Her: 'uh, duh.  A shiny diamond!'
Me: 'I really feel like I'm on acid right now.'
Then she laughed and fell asleep on the couch.  The moonshine did it, I think.
So, that's the band.  We have a gig at the Squatters Nov 18th to raise money for my trip to Canada to play in the world cup for derby.
Ok, onto derby stories.  So yeah, I'm playing for Adelaide and have now been selected to play in team Aus.  I'm super pumped!  The world cup is in Toronto in December.  In the meantime we have had two games for Adelaide (the Adeladies), one in Perth (where I did not play) and one in Newcastle just this weekend gone.  We then have one coming up at the end of this month in New Zealand.
So, the weekend.  first, the team.  An absolute pleasure playing with all of them.  As it happened, there were quite a lot of Road Train Rollers on the Adeladies that trip, so I was comfortable playing with GoGo Fiasco (a blocking machine), Bride of Skatan (a calming influence and great spacemaker), Whimsical Mimsical (jammer extraordinaire and comic relief), Letta Loose (fearless blocker and premium whip-giver) and Kit Cat Krunch, who can only be described as a GUN.  Salties we had on board were Coconut Rough (wall-making genius), Moe Skeeto (back-of-the-pack assassin), Melvin Star (wicked jammer and even wickeder jammer assister) and She-Ra (sneaky surprise blocker).  Mile Die Club was repped by Grimy Knickers (dark horse surprise blocker) and Wild Hearses sent The Little Murdermaid (partner in crime of Letta Loose and relentless jammer smasher), Lashez (creepily calm murderous sniper) and Pixie Pincher (lithe, dancer-type phantomish jammer and sneaky blocktress).  We were coached by Vaderella (famous for booty block straight from the depths of hades) and our Bench Manager was Psycho Fox (cool, focused and quick-to-think).  We all traveled to Newcastle on Friday or before, settled into our various accomodations and tried to get some sleep before the big game.  I was nervous, as I knew Newy had some wicked skaters on it and also I was not nearly as fit as I wanted to be.  I've been having back issues and also my tummy is playing up so I've been a little off.  Anyway, I woke up with conjunctivitis in one eye.  Just one.  The left one.  Great.  Luckily my sister Francesca had an unopened tube of eye ointment which I put in.  It began to help almost immediately, but my conjunctiva was still inflamed and my vision was all screwy.  I was really hoping to be able to see the track, or at least differentiate colours of uniforms.  Francesca dropped me off and I went inside - it was a lot bigger than the venue in which we play at home.  It had room for a few thousand.  The team arrived shortly after and we went into our changerooms.  I decided which chair I wanted and clarified with Skato that it was cool.  Then, every time throughout the day after that when I caught her in my it, I said 'this better be some sort of sick fucking joke' and she moved.  We warmed up, discovered the track was sticky as snot on loctite and changed our wheels.  Blah blah time passed and we found ourselves ready to roll.  It was really different and I won't lie - nerve wracking to play a team where 90% of them I had never seen play.  I didn't jam much in the first half - I kept getting put in the pack, which was fine with me, as I want to be a better all-round player anyway.  The bout started and it was clear this would not be an easy slog for either team.  Points crawled onto the scoreboard until we capitalised on a jammer penalty for the Dockyard Dames and cranked a few up there, giving us a 15-20 point lead (you know me, I can never remember much from bouts)  At one point, they took the lead back, and then we did again.  The Dames never let up, and we ended the first half with a similar lead, maybe 15-20 or so.  There were some great plays by Newy - Suzy Pow, GodJilla, DangeRass, Beaver Destruction, Booga, The Cramp, Babycakes, Hippie hardass and more.  The half-time entertainment was a Kiss tribute band, Dressed To Kill.  They were amazing - though if I never see another man in a lycra onesy again, it'll be too soon.  Well, I do know one man who can pull them off - The Brain of Morbius can wear them every day of the week.

We came back out to the track, and after they announced the myriad of jubilant winners from the plethora of raffles, we were ready to get underway.  Fittingly, Eye of the Tiger played right before we started, and despite getting the chorus in the wrong spot and having to awkwardly mumble until it did come on (then finishing with gusto and roof punches), we got down to business.  The second period was very penalty-heavy for us and very nearly led to our downfall, and we began to trail the Dames.  Vaderella and Psycho Fox were super calm and collected, which helped heaps. 
The jams go into a blur for a while there but I can remember coming off after a pretty good jam, I think I may have got a double grand slam (the other jammer was in the box I think) and looking at the score only to see we were still quite a way behind, maybe something like 89 - 103 or thereabouts.  I started to get worried, I think we only had about 6 mins left.  But, we started inching and inching our way back up, and all of a sudden Fox handed me the jammer panty and sent us out for the last jam - 119 points each.  Blocking in my pack were Grimy Knickers, Coco, Murders and I think Moe (stupid memory).  I was up against Babycakes, who was on fire.  The crowd were stomping their feet on the grandstands and chanting 'NEW-CA-STLE'.  We smiled at each other and I think I said something lame-o like 'this is why we do it, eh?' - say that out loud in the voice of a douche and you will perfectly recreate what I sounded like.  The whistles blew and we were off.  As I was about to exit the pack, I was hit to the outside of the track.  As is my habit, I looked at the feet of the girl who hit me, and saw that not only did she go out of bounds, but she fell down also, putting her out of play and allowing me to jump back on the track in front of her sans penalty.  Somehow, my jam ref didn't see this and started yelling at me to go off for a major.  I just kept skating, presuming that he would be set right by his outside ref who surely had seen it, but that didn't pan out and he was screaming at me to go off.  I then turned to him and shouted whilst pointing in the direction of the fallen Dame 'NO!  SHE FELL DOWN!!  SHE FELL DOWN!!'  He then finally looked to his outside pack ref, who must have given him the nod and looked at me, rolled his eyes, sort of shrugged and said 'uh... ok, minor then.'
So I skated my ass off to catch up to Babycakes, who had a half a lap lead on me since that whole fiasco started.  It felt like my whole bench was screaming at me to skate hard and I thought I might hurl my cookies all over the track.  I think this is what happened next: my amazing blocking team held up Babycakes at the back for enough time for me to catch up.  I think we then started scrambling through the pack together.  She was lead and called it off after passing two, I had only passed one.  Luckily for the Adeladies, there were two Dames in the box, which gave me two ghost points when I passed that one blocker, which meant ADRD 122, Dames 121. 
It was a bloody hard game and such an exciting finish!  The thing I love the most about it is this: people who don't know a lot about derby can easily get caught up in the jammers, to the point of thinking they make or break a game.  I don't care how good of a jammer you are, without amazing blockers in your team of five out there on the track, you have nothing.  If they didn't hold her up that jam, I would have never made it to the pack.  Boom.
So that was that.  Mad props to Kit Cat Krunch and Godjilla Sold Separately for winning player of the match, they worked so hard!
The afterparty was cool, but a bit annoying, as Newy has a curfew.  I don't mean that the police roam the streets shooting anyone who isn't in their bed by midnight.  I mean that if you are not inside a club by 1am, you can't get in.  Game over, go home.  We were inside the great Northern, who promptly kicked us out at about 1:45.  Thanks. 
So, we were all milling about outside when Skato ran up to me, grabbed my arm and wrenched me over to where they had found these two french Canadian guys.  They wanted me to speak French (even though Letta can speak it fine and they spoke English).  The guys were super nice and took us back to their place, where they had beer, wine and clean undies in the dryer which Mims and Skato then wore as hats:

The first time I went to the toilet, I used the tap to wash my hands - it looked like this:
I grabbed the handle bit and pulled.  The wrong way.  It snapped off.  I made a noise like 'LLLLLLLL' and tried to put it back on.  It was a gonner.  So I hid it.  Later that night, I used the hand towel to dry my hands and knocked a tea light candle into the bowl.  Winner.
After a while, we decided to leave.  Lashez tried to steal a wicker vase as big as herself to no avail.  We returned to the Backpackers and I was taken into a room where some people had made a fort.  The lights went out and I stumbled into it, flailing and knocking it down.  I thought it was time for a cab, so I called one, and made him stop so I could go into a 24 hour coles and buy pepperoni sausages.  When I got home, I realised I had been walking around for hours with the bottom of my pants rolled up like a goon.
The next day we had to catch the train back to Sydney.  I think I injured my abs from laughing.  Letta nursed us all on her lap for a cuddle (called 'shush-a-go'), we re-enacted the scene from Dirty Dancing where Johnny lifts baby in the dance (Skato was Baby and we were all Johnny) and Mims and Skato performed a play about an underwater half eel-half woman.
The weekend was a screaming success, but not just because of the game.  We all had a wicked time.  I got closer to girls from the other teams in my league, I got to see my sister and her partner for the first time in over a year, and I figured out just how taps work.
So, at the risk of rushing the end to this, I'm ending it here.  It's long enough.  Thank you for your time.
Remember: Only a half man-half eel will match up perfectly with a half woman-half eel.
Until next time,
P.S. How much of a creep do I look like here? 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Outrageous Robot Humping

Ok, I apologise, it's been too long.  I don't even really have an excuse, unless laziness counts.  If it does, then BACK OFF!  heh
What's happened in the comedy of errors that is my life since my last post?  I'll divulge chronologically...
I did not die from my grand final injuries (not even my critically injured ego) and recovered almost fully.  I still can't look at the ocean or any kind of water craft without shuddering, but I'm sure that will pass.
So a couple of weeks after the final I had my birthday.  I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend of tattooing, partying and robot shopping, but they do say that the best laid plans always fail, and they pretty much did.  The Thursday before the birthday weekend, my labrador Sunny got sick.  I had to take her to the vet twice in that one night.  the second time the vet gave her a shot of methodone and she couldn't stand up, bloody druggie.  I took her to the vet first thing Friday morning so they could take blood samples.  They kept her on a drip all day and released her to me that night.  We all thought she was better, but then she stayed awake all Friday night, squirming around in pain (poor thing) and moaning. I took her back Saturday morning, they took an x-ray and decided they needed to operate straight away.  They found nothing.  I needed to transfer her to the Animal hospital on Anzac Highway, all doped up and stitchy.  By this time, I'd given up on my tattoo appointment and partying that night, but thanks to the support of my sister Snowy (who was visiting and staying with me) and Mercedes, I ended up still dashing to Victor Harbour and fitting in the outline at least.  Behold, the awesomeness that is my steampunk tattoo by Jai at Victor Tattoo.  They have amazing, beautiful studios there and Jai let me watch the Dudesons the whole time.

From there we rushed to Boho, where my birthday dinner was scheduled to happen.  We got there almost two hours late but they were cool about it.  After we'd been upstairs eating and chilling out for about an hour, Vader and Lady came up and told me that there were people downstairs.  I told her to tell them to come up, presuming she meant three or four people. She told me to go down instead, and to my surprise and elation, there were so many of my friends there!  So, we got to partying.  I never had to buy myself a single drink, which both spoke volumes about the generosity of my friends and also how well they know me and what I want best: alcohol.  Below is some of the evidence of our partying:
Things started to get a little messy:

Then there was the series of 'shocked and affronted' pics:

Then there was some love:
But then there was some humping:

Then there was some sneaky ass tapping:

But mostly just good old fashioned partying:

Sunday morning I had to get up and go get Sunny.  She seemed heaps better but they still couldn't tell me what was causing her stomach issues.  I took her home with all her meds and her puckered tummy and hoped for the best.  Sunday Snowy, Michi, Mercedes and Kat took me to the robot shop and I bought four new babies!  Here they are:  

I really did get spoiled on my birthday.  Cede put a chunk of money towards my tattoo, got me lots of robut stuff and basically didn't let me pay for anything all weekend.  Kat had a star named 'Robi's Inspiration' for me, it's in the Crux constellation, right near Acrux, the bottom of the longest leg of the Southern Cross.  Snowy and Michi and Mum got me cool stuff and put money in for my tattoo too - yes indeed I was a star that weekend.
Later that week I woke up to Sunny sick again.  I was spewing.  I just wanted to find out what was going on.  She walked into the kitchen and hurled up a huge grass ball.  It stunk like human vomit and dog shit and I was retching as I picked it up.  I took her straight to the vet again, where we had to wait about half an hour for the vet to arrive.  She walked in the door, talked to us for about a minute and then Sunny threw up again, another MASSIVE grass wad.  The vet was surprised, she said that was the biggest grass ball she'd ever seen. When I told her that it was the second one she'd produced that day, she deduced that perhaps that was the reason for her stomach troubles.  That she thinks she's a cow and eats too much grass.  That she is a giant dumbass who eats shit and grass and costs me two grand when she can't shit it out.  Buuuuut, I wouldn't have done it any other way, she's my baby.
Something else interesting that happened between Sunny and now is that I discovered a fascination with RealDolls.  If you don't know what they are, look here (be aware: IT IS UNSAVOURY).  They're basically life sized dolls (presumably) meant primarily for sexual gratification if you can't get a real person to let you bone them.  I was perusing the website and all the accoutrements that are available to purchasers of a RealDoll (new or second hand) when I came across a RealDoll movie called Regarding Jenny.  Naturally, in a fit of giggles I made Kat look it up and we laughed our asses off at this 'film' featuring an inanimate object as its protagonist.  In that film, there is a scene where Jenny's boyfriend (a slightly jealous control freak and terrible actor to boot) is watching Lars and the real Girl, which I have not seen.  So, we rented it out.  It's a pretty good movie.  it's about a guy who has a delusion and he thinks his RealDoll is an actual person, and in the interest of helping him get through it his whole town also pretends she is real.  The thing about this whole story is jut how much of a pansy I have become.  I freely admit that I cry a lot at movies/tv/commercials/news/serious thoughts/kittens/old people/nice deeds etc but I hit a new low when I cried when the RealDoll (Bianca) died in the end.  I was busily losing myself in the moment, watching the funeral and touching camaraderie when I suddenly realised that I was weeping like a sissy for not only a MADE UP CHARACTER IN A FICTITIOUS TALE, but a 'character' that NEVER EVEN DEPICTED AN ACTUAL REAL PERSON.  I started to laugh, actually laugh and put a note in my iphone to blog about what a moron I am.
Speaking of morons, a few nights ago, I bumped myself up to King Tard status at the servo round the corner from Cede's house.  We had bought coffee each and were just getting into our car when the ladies in the car next to us asked Cede if she could help them find their way to Cross Road in Glen Osmond.  Since I'm always keen to prove that tattooed, pierced freaky hair chicks aren't murderers, I almost leapt the bonnet to whip out my google maps and show her.  We worked through the directions, and Cede took notes of all the turns and stuff for her as I read it out.  The lady said she was going to a rosary.  Since I had no idea what that was, I paid no attention: smart, me.  So, we sorted her out and were parting ways when I said 'Enjoy your evening', looking both women in the eyes in turn, to show that I was sincere, friendly and just generally a good egg.  As I was getting back into my car, I said to Cede 
'That came across as quite forceful, I don't know why I said that so serious and loud...' to which she replied
'Yeah, especially since they were going to a funeral.'
'Yeah, what do you think a Rosary is?'
'I don't know!  I thought it was just some religious thing where they sit around and count beads!'
She laughed at me for a while and I stewed in my doucheness.
Well, that's about it for now - I have some bouts coming up soon, so I'll report on them and any other instances of my most massive idiotic nature.
Oh, and I went to a party dressed as Jem.  Outrageous.