I wanna talk now about derby last night. it was an important practice. We had practice bouts scheduled and our captain had said that since about eight ppl in our team wanna jam, she'd give us all a go and the top five scorers would get a chance in our upcoming bout on the 8th of May. Since I really wanna jam, I knew I had to work hard. I ate healthy all day, drank lots of the ol h20 and was all set... or so I thought. When I got home from work, I had the mad poo pain so off I went to the can. Diarrhoea ensued. Bad. The dog came in the room and turned straight on her heel, and she eats shit. I looked at it before I flushed, which is rare for me, but it was so odd that it actually caight my eye. It looked like spew. I can safely say I don't reckon I've ever done a poo that looked like chunder before. I thought to myself 'ooh, that's not good' but thought nothing more of it at the time. Shoot forward to derby practice... The bout had started and I had already had a jam as posi 3, which I like. Then I was handed the jammer helmet panty. In my head I was grinning ear to ear. Outwardly, cool as a blah. I did my jam. I can't even remember it which is bizarre except to say that I got three points and the other jammer none, which is a good thing. Not great, but good. Then, the problem. Usually, I can go back to back without a second thought. Especially a night when a lot rides on it and I have to try to show how hard I can work. My mate asked if I was right to go in as 3 again, and I said ...no. Just like that. No. I was knackered and couldn't seem to catch my breath. I was pissed off and shameful but I didn't show it cos remember, I am cool as blah. Anyway, next time I went in as Jammer I was put in against Smarty Pants. For anyone who is a serious follower of roller derby, that name is household. She's one of the top derby players in the world, here at the mo to train us. Inside: shitting pants. Outside: not even gunna say it again. Anyhoo, somehow my blockers were amazing and I must have been doing a lil ducking n weaving but I got lead jammer. It's Smarty though, nobody on this planet can keep her back for long. So she caught me and got in front of me and held me there *looks down in shame... actually I was already looking down cos I can't touchtype but you get the gist* and I was just too fuct to get around her or even give it a decent effort! She hit me down again and again and I kept getting up but the last one she got a bit of distance on me and I was hurting. THEN: she mooned me! Right there on the track! A lil tiny waning gibbous peeking out the top of her shorts and gently swaying from side to side. Naturally I laughed and then called the jam off cos I was lead so at least she didn't get any points. She might be my derby hero. Later, I missed some spots cos of ppl having penalties but I didn't mind, shit happens and besides, I was dead. The last jam of the night I got put in as jammer and even my cool exterior cracked and I smiled a lil bit. When it comes to jamming I'm like Garth from Wayne's world when he plays the drums in that shop - 'I like to play'... I skated my butt off, my blockers were filth I and lapped the other jammer and I reckon I might have even passed one more player before the jam ended which meant that I got 6 and they got none which is freaking sweet and I felt good about my bad ass self again. Not until I got home did I realise Why I had no energy, the damn diarrhoea! I can't believe what a difference it made. I wish I had a moral to this mammoth rant but I don't cos who knows when they're gunna get the shits and who can help it?
K signing out, til nextie,