Thursday, April 22, 2010

Caddy's gusset and more on poo, not simultaneously.

Ok, let me begin by saying that I just had the best hot drink of my life. It's called 'Creamy white cocoa hot chocloate drink' from Gloria Jean's (is there an apostrophe in that?). OMFG (please note that although I use that term I no longer believe in god. See? I even spelt 'his' name with a lower case 'g') it is way too good. I actually became stroppy and disgruntled that I found it, cos now I'm going to want it more and anything that tastes that good can't be blah blah blah. Anyway, it's good. I recommend trying it even if it does induce anger. Canadians - it's like Tim Horton's (is there an apostrohpe in that? hehe).
Moving on. So I reckon that I might take the time to write a little about me and my life. I'm a girl. Pretty much gay but I have had a bf or two (don't confuse this with bff, I have many of those). I have an amazing and hot gf who does roller derby with me, she's on my team, The Road Train Rollers. I have a wicked Mum, Awesome older bro, three of the best sisters anyone could ever ask for, two handsome nephews, and one kick-ass niece. Sounds a bit fairy tale and soppy but it's actually true. We've become a very close fam and it makes me happier than anything else in my life. My Sisters' husbands are both really cool guys and my brother's wife is Scottish and beautiful, very friggin funny. My other sister is gay too and her partner is wicked. The only grandparent I knew was my Mum's mum who died in 2008 at 101. She was without a doubt the most amazing lady ever and I miss her lots in fact I'm getting a lil teary writing this but don't worry I'll fight through. My Dad died the same year as my Nana. This event impacted my life like no other and I will headbutt anyone who tries to tell me to get over it or it gets easier. it doesn't and don't underestimate me, I have broken two boy's noses with my headbutt. I have two tattoos for my Dad and I think about him all the time.
So, having given the outline, I'm not going to go into details all at once, that would take too long so lil bits about each one, all in good time. Today it's my lil sis. Let's call her Michelle. That is not her name but it is the name my Nana called her by mistake on day in the nursing home when she was too busy flirting with the chaplain to get it right! So, Michelle it is. Michi for short. So, Michi is 2.5 years younger than me, but every time we meet new ppl she tells them we're twins. We look nothing alike so people just sorta go 'oh-ohh'. I don't know why she does this. Sometimes I beat her to it just for shits and giggles n then she doesn't know what to do. Michi just got married to a cool guitar guy with dreads like me. I've never seen anyone as good on the guitar as this guy, he shreds. Michi and I fought like cats and blah when we were young but as time went by, we got closer and closer until we fused and now we really are twins, the siamese sort. She plays ice hockey with me and lacrosse with me but not derby. She even works at my work. She's super cute and once pooed in the bath but in her mind the memory has changed and now it's me who did said poo. I don't care, cos I can actually remember it and I remember being disgusted to my five-year old core about it and screaming for Mum. Whatever helps her sleep though. She rules. That is all on Michi for today.
Half-time break so here's a pic of Falcor from The Never Ending Story. I like him and he likes a scratch.

I wanna talk now about derby last night. it was an important practice. We had practice bouts scheduled and our captain had said that since about eight ppl in our team wanna jam, she'd give us all a go and the top five scorers would get a chance in our upcoming bout on the 8th of May. Since I really wanna jam, I knew I had to work hard. I ate healthy all day, drank lots of the ol h20 and was all set... or so I thought. When I got home from work, I had the mad poo pain so off I went to the can. Diarrhoea ensued. Bad. The dog came in the room and turned straight on her heel, and she eats shit. I looked at it before I flushed, which is rare for me, but it was so odd that it actually caight my eye. It looked like spew. I can safely say I don't reckon I've ever done a poo that looked like chunder before. I thought to myself 'ooh, that's not good' but thought nothing more of it at the time. Shoot forward to derby practice... The bout had started and I had already had a jam as posi 3, which I like. Then I was handed the jammer helmet panty. In my head I was grinning ear to ear. Outwardly, cool as a blah. I did my jam. I can't even remember it which is bizarre except to say that I got three points and the other jammer none, which is a good thing. Not great, but good. Then, the problem. Usually, I can go back to back without a second thought. Especially a night when a lot rides on it and I have to try to show how hard I can work. My mate asked if I was right to go in as 3 again, and I said ...no. Just like that. No. I was knackered and couldn't seem to catch my breath. I was pissed off and shameful but I didn't show it cos remember, I am cool as blah. Anyway, next time I went in as Jammer I was put in against Smarty Pants. For anyone who is a serious follower of roller derby, that name is household. She's one of the top derby players in the world, here at the mo to train us. Inside: shitting pants. Outside: not even gunna say it again. Anyhoo, somehow my blockers were amazing and I must have been doing a lil ducking n weaving but I got lead jammer. It's Smarty though, nobody on this planet can keep her back for long. So she caught me and got in front of me and held me there *looks down in shame... actually I was already looking down cos I can't touchtype but you get the gist* and I was just too fuct to get around her or even give it a decent effort! She hit me down again and again and I kept getting up but the last one she got a bit of distance on me and I was hurting. THEN: she mooned me! Right there on the track! A lil tiny waning gibbous peeking out the top of her shorts and gently swaying from side to side. Naturally I laughed and then called the jam off cos I was lead so at least she didn't get any points. She might be my derby hero. Later, I missed some spots cos of ppl having penalties but I didn't mind, shit happens and besides, I was dead. The last jam of the night I got put in as jammer and even my cool exterior cracked and I smiled a lil bit. When it comes to jamming I'm like Garth from Wayne's world when he plays the drums in that shop - 'I like to play'... I skated my butt off, my blockers were filth I and lapped the other jammer and I reckon I might have even passed one more player before the jam ended which meant that I got 6 and they got none which is freaking sweet and I felt good about my bad ass self again. Not until I got home did I realise Why I had no energy, the damn diarrhoea! I can't believe what a difference it made. I wish I had a moral to this mammoth rant but I don't cos who knows when they're gunna get the shits and who can help it?


Wow, long post. Sorry. To make up for it here is a pic of my friend picking a wedge out at the pink lake.

K signing out, til nextie,

Tx
P.S. Caddy's gusset is slitless. This is code and Only Caddy knows what it means but go ahead and guess anyway.

4 comments:

  1. First of all, let me say "mmmmmm....Tim Horton's" (IS there an apostrophe in that?). Last time I was in Canada (age 14) we went to a Tim Horton's at 1:00 am and my little brother was over the moon to see two cops buying coffee and donuts, just like the old cliche ^_^

    Secondly, I'd like to clarify, I am slitless as a result of the gusset :P

    And thirdly, I enjoyed reading about your bum hurl. I can't imagine why poo has always been such a taboo topic. Everyone does it. There's even a book about it. Please enjoy this e-presentation:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mh1qYCHu9CQ

    (Humorous to note that oxymoronic Rhino's don't give a shit when they take a shit *snorts)

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  2. Caddy, u crack my shit up! What's with the guys voice on this? Haha don't give up your day job chief, whatever that is...

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  3. You're right, we are filth!

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  4. we might be filth but Tricksey is "the SHIT!" hehehe

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