Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sucking chest wounds ahoy!

So last week I had to do a first aid course. It's a necessity for my employment as a duty manager at the ice arena. As luck would have it, I managed to snag a position on a course that was held about 1.5 mins drive from where I live. And yes, I did drive. It was a two-day course. I got there about 4 mins early on day one.

The room was set up as you'd expect – chairs in a semi-circle, a PowerPoint slide presentation ready to go and a bunch of resuscitation mannequins, open mouthed and waiting to be kissed. They remind me of people who have to get around town on skateboards cos they have no legs and you always wonder if that hurts their bits, if they have bits.

Firstly – what's with people spelling mannequins 'manikins'? I don't understand how people can just decide to start doing that – 'hey, the word mannequin spelled the French way is just too hard to get my brain around, I think I'm just gunna invent a phonetic solution. M.A.N.I.K.I.N. Yeah, that's much easier.' The English word for mannequin is DUMMY, DUMMY! Whilst on a language rant, I saw a place yesterday that spelled 'cafe' 'caffe', like they couldn't chose between the French and English word for coffee to advertise their cafe. That whole situation is an imposible cycle; we call coffee coffee and go buy a sandwich from a cafe, which is almost the word café, which means coffee anyway! Call it a deli. Safer. Incidentally, I believe that 'deli' is short for 'delicatessen', which means 'delicate eating' in German, so theoretically, no deli should serve anything that isn't considered 'delicate', like I think a full breakfast is pushing it a bit.

Back on topic. So as I walked in the door of the venue, I noticed a table with three things on it – a bunch of first aid manuals, a pad of participant forms and a sheet of stickers which I presumed was for name tags. I took a book, form and sticker and sat down. People kept coming in and sitting down without glancing at the table so the facilitator had to tell them to go back to get the stuff. No biggie. Then a guy came in who returned to his seat wearing the tiniest sticker known to man. He had peeled off a little thin one that borders the paper. The facilitator – let's call him 'Perkins' had to read it from about 3cm away from the guy's chest! The name tag read 'Arch'. Perkins looked at his course list and said

'aaaand Arch would be short for..?'

Arch replied 'Andreas'. Naturally.

Perkins says 'Oh...' and Arch laughs and says

'I always get people with that one!'

Um. I'm pretty sure if I attended courses with a name tag other than my actual name on the list I'd 'get' people with it too. I carefully watched Arch in case he proved to be a tool, but it turned out he was actually pretty lovable and funny.

After that, as is usually the way with these courses, we had to introduce ourselves to the class and say what we do. Now, I swear, I'm not a racist person, but there was a guy there and I just could not understand what he said. I honest to got thought he said he worked in a kissing booth. I said

'Wow. I didn't know they had those anymore.' He looked at me weird. So did everyone else. I said 'you said kissing booth, right?'

He replied 'Fishing boat.'

Off to a great start. The course was actually the best one I've done, but they do not need two days, at all. The amount of chatting and the general slow pace was a bit ridiculous. Perkins was super cheesy and corny, but he did lighten the mood and make the course fun. He had songs cued to go when pertinent – like when talking about body fluid contamination – 'Can't touch this' came on. Hm.

After the course finished, we had a Road Train Rollers dinner at the Deli in Thebarton. If you have never been, slap yourself and then go. It's awesome. They make wicked sangria and their gluten free pizza is amazing!

Saturday afternoon some mates came around and we had a meeting about a zine we're gunna do. If you're interested in this zine, comment here sometime and I'll organise you a copy. The first issue is free. I will say no more.

After the zine brainstorm we noticed that 'Celebrity singing bee' was on the telly. If you've never seen it, you are truly blessed. Firstly, why do they label things 'celebrity' when the viewers watch and go 'who are these people? I've never seen them before in my life!' Secondly, stop scraping the bottom o the barrel for ideas and just run old episodes of The Brady Bunch or something. Seriously, nothing can be worse than 'Celebrity Singing Bee'. Also, the dancers they have? Ghastly. They're in mini dresses – black with yellow stripes, all in sequins. The dancing is horrible! I think they're trying to be gogo style or something, but it's like they're trying to be waaaay too hard-hitting. Like they're trying to combine backup dancing with hip-hop and crump. It insulted my eyes and I wanted to cry. Then I changed channels and Anne of Green Gables was on for like the first time in TWENTY YEARS and I was placated. Nay, more than placated, I was thoroughly chuffed.

Sunday we had a team skate. It was hot and I was not nearly hydrated enough. Right near where we skated there was a car racing track. Grown adults racing toy cars. I scoffed at this until I realised we are a bunch of grown adults on roller skates. Those lil cars – when they crash it's actually really cool! They flip like realsies! Also, they go very fast, which was sweet to watch.

Towards the end of the training session I sat in chewy. My favourite. Right next to the track there was a soccer tournament. Everyone there was black, except for the two cops watching. Three little kids from there came to watch us and started racing us, it was heaps cute.

Well, that's about it, sorry that wasn't more exciting. I'd like to finish with something I found on facebook last night when I got up to pee and had a mad headache. Whilst waiting for the painkillers to kick in, I trawled status updates and here is what I found:

Facebook user: 'Okay fine, I won't steal all the cashews out of a bag, I'll pour them into a bowel and steal them from there :3'

My reply: 'bahahahahahahah! I'm sorry, but the thought of u eating nuts from someone's bowel is just too much!!! I think you meant 'bowl'... did they taste like shit?'

Stay tuned for details of the zine!!

P.S. I 4got 2 mention that I helped out with the ADRD fresh meat testing last Monday. It was amazing. The calibre of the group was so high. Please, If you're reading this and you're one of the girls who didn't make it – don't lose hope! You ARE amazing! It's just unfortunate that there were so few spots, but that's the nature of the beast. It will only mean more derby leagues, so more derby for more people:)



P.P.S As I entered the building at work last week, a co-worker who is in her fifties commented on my hair. I was wearing a bandana 'Rosie the Riveter' style, with a little pink bow clip in my fringe. She said 'Oh! Your hair looks so pretty!'

'Thanks! know it's a mohawk, right?'

'Yeah, but the way you wear it, so pretty!'

So there you go. mohawks CAN be pretty.


  1. I always feel like a stalker commenting on strangers' blogs, but I stumbled upon yours from the ADRD website. Anyhow, just wanted to say that I can absolutely agree on the skill at Fresh Meat - I was so blown away by how many amazing skaters there were (and good people to boot)!

    Oh, and snap on the First Aid. Did mine a few days ago. To get the timing right for CPR compressions, the instructor began playing 'Highway To Hell', which happened to be approx. 120 beats per minute. When someone protested, he put on 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' instead, stood up, pretended he was on a cross and began whistling along sarcastically, before adding 'that better?' What a champ.


  2. Haha!
    That's gold! Mine and yours both sound a lot better than the stuffy dude I had 4 years ago, maybe they've realised people might retain more if they're entertained!
    Don't feel like a stalker! I absolutely welcome any feedback at all, I want to be a writer so this is my practice on the side:)
    Did you try out at fresh meat?

  3. Yeah, I did try out. I'll be joining you all in a few weeks - I'm still pinching myself!

    Awesome blog, by the way. Keep writing!


  4. Yay! Congrats! It was hard 2 get in this Year! I'll be away for the first 6 wks but then back 2 it!
    And thank u! I'm working on a zine too, so excited!

  5. How shall I get a copy to u then? I warn u-it's a bit risqué teehee

  6. I'll just take this proof and run :P

  7. Aaaargh! I didn't realise u were THAT Emma! Noooooo! Anyway, uv only got half the pages!!! We took measures! Counter espionage!!!

  8. *sigh* It appears I have been outwitted