Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Do I tip the Laundry lady? I'm going insane.

Ok, so I freely admit there may be spelling and/or grammar mistakes in this post, as I am being charged through the nose to use this computer.
Ok, so where did I leave off? We were still in Canada. Man, I love that place. The Thursday before we left, we had drinks in Joe Kool's. Some of the London Rollergirls came! They are so ace. We got drunk. On the way home we decided we should probably go tobogganning with only the crazy carpet that I had put in Bren's car earlier. I'm not going to write about that though, when I get home I'm going to make a video montage of our exploits and that shall be in there. let it suffice to say for now that I had snow well into the depths of my butt crack, and I thought I might soil myself with laughter.
Friday we were going to play pond hockey, but we got tattooed instead. I got a robot owl, called Robo Hootler. He's an evil dictator. He is photo one, going from the top down. Sorry, I know that's lazy, but since I bought Robo Hootler I am more watchful of cash expenditure. Sorry Robo Hoolter, please don't have me liquidated on account of my insolence. Our tattoo artist Mykie - a-mazing! Great artist, Wicked dude and just an all round chiller. The shop is so cool - it's called Perfect Image and it's in London Ontario on Richmond st. If you live there, go, and ask for him. It's pronounced 'Mikey' too. The chick that works the desk Tabby is cool as, and so are the other artists - you won't be disappointed. We felt like royal assholes cos we didn't tip him, so used are we to just paying the price. We left money with Bren to take in!
Friday night was the fireworks! BEST thirty bucks I ever spent. Lessons to learn include: don't get the packets of little rocket-on-stick things next time, they take way too long to light one at a time, get more of the box ones - there are like 20 shots in those, for $8-great deal, get more matches, a box for everyone so that we can all light at once and don't drop lighters in the snow, they don't like it. My fave bit was Bren ducking for cover when she stayed beside one for too long, and also when we stuck one in the ground too hard and it started to go off, then finally broke free, then flew into the ground again, then off again. Turns out I really could have blown something off! Sweet!
We had to leave the next morning, it was very sad to say goodbye to Bren and the crew, Kitty and I felt wretched all day. The drive was hell, if such a place exists. I actually was afraid. At one point we passed a car, overturned and facing the wrong way, a hell of a crash. Cops, ambos etc were there. The other drivers were insane also. I was in the right hand lane, TWO others free, and people would tailgate me, like they wanted ME to move so they could overtake! And I don't mean I was going 20MPH, I was only going between 5 and 10 under, depending on the visibility - the rental had the worst traction also, and I'd been skidding around all week. I got so furious, ranting and swearing up a flurry of c-bombs. I never want to do that again, BALLS to that.
Ok, so we arrived back in NYC and were so knackered that we just showered, ordered room service and watched a movie. The next day we got up and looked for the subway. Turns out that we are right near China Town, and on our block are a squillion souvenir shops selling the exact same things. The people are so weird - they just walk right up to you and mutter shit in your face - 'Louis, Rolex, Chanel' etc. At first, I was like 'pardon?' then within about 5 mins I was ignoring them completely. I'm so sick of looking like a tourist. Still, I keep thinking they're actually asking me a question, and today I stopped when a chick mumbled at me and I said 'I can't understand you.' She goes 'oh. You want handbag?' Uh, see this thing hanging around my body that holds my wallet and phone? No, I don't want a knock off Burberry, twat. I pushed her in the snow and eye gouged her.
So, back on track. We were looking for the subway. Found it, and emerged right outside the Museum of Natural History. We went to eat, and I pointed it out to Kat on the map. She goes 'hm. I thought it would be bigger.' o_O I was like 'ummm, it's four blocks across.' So we went in. The chick at the counter said 'the suggested price is $28.'
I said 'ok.'
She goes 'what do you wanna pay?'
o_O ...'umm, $28? Isn't that the price?'
'It's the suggested price.'
o_O ...are we bartering for entrance price? We gave her $30 and went inside.
This place is MAMMOTH. The displays are exquisite, but it's a bit weird that most are real animals - I don't like the idea of them getting killed just to display - some were babies. Maybe someone can shed some light on that for me, maybe they dies of natural causes, yeah probably.
When we got to the human origins exhibit, they had a pic of a tiny hairy couple from somewhere along our timeline of evolution. Kat is going to kill me but I gotta recount this - she looks at them and says 'are they real?'
o_O 'they're real mannequins...' cute lol
Those are pic no. 2.
From the Museum we went for an epic walk in Central Park. On the map, I thought it looked reasonable sized. Noooooope. Giant. We saw Central Park in the day, sunset and night. It's beautiful. I got to skate there. It's so expensive that it's a joke, but I had to do it. Kat watched and took footage and froze, in that order.
From there we went to dinner and had the best sushi of my life. Then the Comedy Club. Ok, so we bought these tickets in Times Square, remember I said I was a sucker, and they are great salesmen? The cheeky fuckers get you when they sell em to you - sure, they always go cheaper than 'they're supposed to, cos you're their favourite Aussies', but they then tell you that it's a two drink minimum. Fair call, you think to yourself, and our guy even said 'you don't have to buy alcohol if you don't want, soda is ok too.' So we think 'cool, shouldn't be too expensive.' Wrong. What he left out is that drinks are $10 each, and you either get two, or still have to pay the $20. For me, not so bad. For Kitty who just wanted a coke - that's a pricey fuckin' coke. I want some actual coke in it for that. Buuut, having said all that, the entertainment was well worth it! The comedians were all super talented, and so diverse in style! We wet our pants laughing and got 3 hours of entertainment for basically $25 each, so all is forgiven. Also, get this: Jerry Seinfeld: funny, successful, had his own show. His only downfall? JEANS AND SNEAKERS!!!!! BUT - in the Comedy club (called Comic Strip Live) HEAPS of them wore that exact combo!! Is this a comedian uniform? Is it a secret to success, or a humble nod to Jerry? The funiest ones wore the combo. Odd.
Ok, so the next day was Liberty day!!! For us anyway. the weather was ace, and would you believe that the tour was only $13 each?? Crazy cheap. We got through the gates and wanted coffee. Bought coffee. Turned the corner and had to throw it out cos you can't take it through the crazy ass security. I'm sure the upstanding gentleman who sold me a coffee just before a point where I couldn't take it meant to tell me that before he took my money. benefit of the doubt. Anyway, the security. Insane. I had to even remove my watch. Even having to strip off twice, nothing could ruin Liberty Island for me, she is so beautiful and I was really touched to think of all these immigrants arriving by boat and seeing her, a beacon of hope inviting them to leave their various persecutions behind for a fresh start. I love her. Big feet too.
From there we went to Ellis island, whish is where all immigrants came through for a long time. It's huge and amazing. It again made me think of all the people that spent time here, hoping to get allowed to stay. As we were about to leave, we were lined up waiting for the return ferry. We had just missed one, so we were first in line. Then this Asian dude came up and hopped the fence so that there was no longer any safety barrier in between him and the water. He was just strolling around, kicking snow and stuff. Then a cop came. He motioned the kid to come to the gate, grabbed him by his jacket and dragged him through. Then the following dialogue took place (please, in your inner monologue, use a wicked heavy NY accent):
Cop: 'How old are you?'
'How old are you?'
'Ah, sixteen.'
'Do you have any mental disabilities?'
'Do. You. Have. Any. Mental. Disabilities?'
'Uh, no.'
'Where is your chaperone?'
'Where is your chap.er.one?'
'Oh. Uh...' *chaperone comes over*
'What's your name?'
'What. is. your. name?'
*something mumbled*
*something mumbled, sounded to me like Scott*
'Sprite? Your name's Sprite?'
'Ok, listen, uh, Sprite, here's the deal - you go in there and what can happen? YOu can fall in the water. You fall in the water, what can happen? You can die, ok? I could give you a fine for this. I'm gonna give you a warning instead, but don't go in there again, ok?'
'Uh, ok.'
It was awesome!! I thought I was in the Sopranos!!! To top off our day, in the Ferry on the way home there were guards with AK-47s!! They take their shit SERIOUS!!
When we got home, we checked our email to see if our travel agent had replied about having to change our Cairo stuff - byline - FUCKING POLITICS RUINS MY LIFE YET AGAIN!!!!
Anyhoo, I said to kat 'Wow. So many people have posted on my facebook about us going to Egypt. I'm gunna post a status that says we aren't, so they won't be panicking. You must have lots on yours too.'
Kat looks and says 'nope, nobody posted. Guess they don't give a shit about me.'
Hahahahaha I said 'Oh, they would just post to mine meaning both of us' lol
Ok, that's it for now, but I have to say: I love this city. I could easily live here for a year. So, if you read this and you live in NY, offer me a job please. I would never drive though. Cabbies here are certified insane. The other day, one was going 50 miles through the city. Also, there are sirens all the time, just all the time.
Alright, cool. So far this post has cost me $15.94. I haven't even done pics yet.
Til London!
Photos from top are:
Robo Hootler,
Hairy couple,
Sunset in Central Park,
Lady Liberty and Moi,
When good Meese go bad at the Museum.

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