Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Pre-game jitters, anyone?

Ok, that was a lie, I don't have pre-game jitters. But now that you've started reading, why not continue?
WARNING: this post contains unsavoury topics.
Notice how I didn't give you any indication of what the 'unsavoury topics' are? That's my hook. Now you have to read on, half turned away from the screen, reading through eye slits, waiting for that moment when your eyes fall on the icky word and you have to avert them, gasping 'it's so shocking'.
Ok, I'll get to the point. Kat's dog has her period. I know, it's called 'on heat' but that's not exciting at all, it makes her seem more human if I say she has her period, or rags if I'm feeling bogan-ish. So. We went to get her desexed, but then money issues arose and we've had to wait. In the meantime, boom. Now, I'm going to get really graphic here. This will probably gross people out and also make people see me in a different light, but for entertainment's sake, I'm going to paint it like it is.
The story starts the day I realised she had it. This is the gross part.
...wiggly screen shot to flashback... diddle e de, diddle e de, diddle e de...
A few weeks ago, kat and I changed our bedroom around. You know, feng shui and all that. So, the room looks great. Washed the sheets the same day to top the feeling of newness so all was crisp and nice. We slept great. Until about 6am. Rosie was up. We were like 'um, are you sleepwalking? You know we don't get up until 11'. She was like 'I'M IN YA FACE. I'M A BIG LOSER. HAVE MY NOSE IN YOUR EYE. YOU LOVE IT.' We were baffled. This followed on for a couple of nights. We were sleep deprived and ready for death (Rosie's). So, one morning (this is the gross part coming up), as she woke me with her nose in my face again, I opened up the sheet and she slithered in and slept for about half an hour. I was so desperate for sleep that I didn't even care about her hair, I would just wash the sheets that day. Later, as I was making the bed, I notice spots of blood on the sheet. I said to Kat:
'There's blood here. I think it's from Rosie. She's been scratching her ear again, maybe she has a lil scab'
'Uh-huh.' (nil interest)
'Uh, Kat?'
'You don't think she has her period, do you?'
'Her period, she isn't desexed.'
'I dunno.'
Always thrilling morning convos, we have.
I forgot about it until I went into the kitchen and saw drops of blood on the floor *GROSS* and then it hit me that I had dog period in my bed. Great. As my Dad would've said, 'it could only happen to me'.
Now, Sunny is desexed, so I've never had this problem with her. This is all new to me and it is not fun. She just cruises around leaking blood! Surely there is something I can do? I thought of a nappy but she would tear it off. To make matters even more gross (avert thine eyes if you're squeamish), her vag is MASSIVELY SWOLLEN!! It's just hangin around back there, being all puffy and gross, I don't know how she sits down! It's like a car crash, I can't stop staring at it and going 'eww'! God, I hope we can get her desexed before this happens again.
Anyway, so on Sunday a mate came round with her two dogs to have a play date and a walk on the beach. I asked her if they were male, she said yes, but desexed (I do NOT want a preggers Rosie). So she came over. Neither seemed to notice anything until after the walk when we were all having a drink in the backyard. One of her dogs all of a sudden noticed what was going on with Rosie becoming a woman n all. So, he started to get that look in his eye and the dance of love began. I don't think there's a person alive that isn't amused by dogs trying to hump stuff, especially when they're getting it all wrong! He was trying to hump her side! She was looking at him like 'uh, riiiight'. So, as if this wasn't disturbingly funny enough, the stupidest thing happened next. Sunny, my docile nine year old desexed lab started to try and hump the boys, both of em! Now, Sunny used to be a mad dirty pumper, I've seen her knock kids to the ground to have a go, but she hasn't done it for ages, so it was a crack up to see all four running around, Rosie trying to retain some semblance of dignity, Sunny completely throwing hers to the wind and the boys alternating between getting their head humped by an ill-aimed Sunny mount and trying to bag Rosie!
Really not what I expected from my week, but at least it was a break from study. Sorry about the content today but not much has really happened to me this week. Next week I shall divulge all about the GRAND FINAL this weekend!! (Booyah)
Peace and dog nappies,

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