La vie quotidienne à Paris...

Let's start off with me and my confused face about the strange upside-down dispensers.
Ok, so wow. What a couple of days. This keyboard is French, so if there's any errant Qs where there should be an A, that's why. I'm not gunna lie, it's already pissing me off. You have to use shift to use a full stop for shit's sake and it took me (no joke) fifteen minutes to figure out how to type the @ symbol! On the bright side, plenty of punctuqtion marks seem to take precedence over other things, like you have to use shift to type any numbers, but all the punctuation marks are ready to go, one touch! Even ampersand! Score one for the grammar nerds! In your FACE mathematicians!!! If only Qwerty and this lovable mutant could have clicky clacky babies, they would be perfect, but I'm pretty sure keyboard cloning is still illegal.

Anyhoo, back to where I left off - after my last entry we went to pick up our laundry, it cost ten US dollars for an efficient Asian lady to do it, so we were cheering. They have folding down to an art (must be all the origami practice) and we were pleased with the result.

From there we went shopping. I found a purple Adidas shirt for twelve dollars, cheerin'. Then I found some shoes I wanted to try.

I said to the girl 'can I see those blue AD-i-das shoes?'

'excuse me?'

'the AD-i-das right there?' *points*

'Ohh, the a-DI-das.'

o_O

Actually, on that note - I have never had such trouble with people understanding me! Half the time Americans would just look at me, open mouthed, although we speak THE SAME EFFING LANGUAGE!!! I'm having better luck in Paris!

Hey I just discovered that with this keyboard when you have caps lock on, it acts with all keys as if you are holding shift too. Getting me one of these.

Ok, so from there we went to an NHL game, NY Rangers vs Pittsburgh Penguins. I bought a Rangers hat before the game and had it embroidered with the date as a memento. Haven't taken it off. *true love*

Madison Square Garden is everything I hoped and more. Like I thought, even the nosebleeds were *a-ma-zing*, we could see the whole rink! While visiting with Bren, we volunteered at a church that supplies hot meals to people that either live in poverty or are homeless. A guy there told me that one of my two fqve hockey players from there that I used to watch is also in the NHL (I'm talking about Cory Perry and Brandon Prust), and guess what team? The Rangers! I was so excited to see him play! While we were waiting for the game to start, Kitty says

'y'reckon we'll see a fight?'

'Most likely. Probably Brandon, he was a mad brawler when I used to watch him in the Knights, I saw him down a guy with one punch...'

Lo and behold, who not only scored the first goal, but also started the first fight? Brandon lol and Kat went wild for the violence! She started getting all mean about it when the refs ever stopped a fight! It was an awesome night, they lost, but in a shootout, so I was still stoked.

The next morning we were very lucky to get a flight out of NY, the weather is retarded. As I was getting over to the taxi, I almost went ass over tit on the sidewalk, it was slick as snot, on account of the freeezing rain. A close shave, and surprising actually, since twice the day before I had fallen up stairs. Special, that's me.

So off to London we went. I was ridiculously tired and spent the whole day napping like a Nana on chronic. Finally inside our hotel room, which was seriously smaller than anything I have ever been in my entire life, we ordered a pizza and watched some guy on the telly dressed as a red devil throw a shit on someone.

Up early this morning for the Eurostar journey to Paris, I wasn't bothered that we were only slightly behind schedule, because I never unpacked my suitcase from last night so it was tetrised nicely. That feeling only lasted until I went through the scanner at the train station and they pulled me aside. I asked the gargantuan Carribean gent what they were looking for, as I could locate it easily and retrieve it for them. More the strong, silent type, he instead opted to pull every single thing out, at the pace of the aforementioned hash Nana, sans speaking. It turned out to be my metal bottle of pure Canadian maple syrup, which (naturally) was at the very bottom.

Consequently, we had to run like Pcp Nanas to the carriage, but we made it, so no harm, no foul.

Once we arrived in Paris, the fun began. Although I can read French decently, speak it enough to get a message across, my listening comprehension is less developed. This becomes a problem when (because the amount of French I can speak I can pull off with a pretty decent accent) people hear me and then assume I can understand when they assail me with beautiful, beautiful French at pcp Nana speed when I require justsmokedanapplebong Nana speed. At these times, I come across about as well as an idiot savant that has spent twenty minutes feverishly scanning a French phonebook. The cool thing is, that very few people speak anything but a very little English, so I'm forced to speak French. Bon.

So, at Gare Du Nord, where we arrived by Eurostar, we had to figure out how to get to our hotel. The taxi line was huge. As we exited the building, there was a bunch of guys with motorbike helmets. One said 'YO! Taxi bike?' And then told us it would be forty euros each for the ride, which, if we didn't have luggage we would have walked. So, we opted for subway, at a saving of €38.30 each. They thought they saw me coming, but I had the last laugh... For about half an hour until we had to take two trains with stupid amounts of luggage. I honestly have no idea how a person confined to a wheelchair would do it. So there we were, painfully obvious as dumbass tourists, cracking out an horrendous hullaballoo clacking up and down stairs, but we made it, and finally emerged into the sunshine like a couple of trapped miners. Kat was pretty pissed by this time, and I don't blame her. I realised we were on the right street, but didn't know whether to go left or right. I told Kat to wait outside a bank while I went in and asked. Not only was the chick horribly rude, the bitch sent us the wrong way!!! When I came out of the bank, I said to Kat 'what's that liquid emanating from my suitcase?' Turns out the plethora of steps up which we trudged had caused the GIANT CAN OF LABATT BLUE I was taking home to burst. Now as I sit here (and anytime I'm in the vicinity of the suitcase) I can smell the sweet scent of the best beer in the world and I lament my loss.

Well, that's about it for now. Kat and I are getting pretty damn good at using the subway in pretty much any country, if I do say so myself, and we went to see the Moulin Rouge. We actually killed two birds, as I had used the google machine earlier and sourced a gluten free resteraunt near there! A short walk though cobblestone streets and we were there. The food was amazing. From there we went to starbucks right across the road from that big red windmill and sat outside, sipping cafè lattes, ooh lala.

Well, just thought I'd pop a quick one in, so these aren't so long,
talk soon!
Tx
P.S. I have a new international Derby wife! Mirambo from the Tames Fatales! She is super bad ass, it was derby love at first sight when she punched me in the jaw :D

Heroes in a half shell...

Right. Down to business. Christmas business. Today I finished my Christmas shopping. I cheated a tiny bit, cos I didn't have that much to do anyway, and we had a family Christmas in November. But nonetheless I have, as of today, finished. I bought the last present at West Lakes, which is where I saw a man whip out a genuine hair comb and run it through what I can only describe as a very bushy rat's tail crossed with a mullet. It kind of looked like a squirrel's tail actually. A westie with hair grooming in mind... So in mind that he carries a comb with him...
Anyway, so Christmas has become very confusing for me. I have become an atheist. I have my reasons. Now, let's get one thing straight – I HATE arguing about religion. I HATE being preached to about religion. Those points together mean that I will never try to push my lack of religion onto others, or argue about the choice I have made. It's just the way it is now. I also don't begrudge anyone having faith in anything (although I do believe that having faith shouldn't cost money or mean killing yourself or anyone else) in fact it's nice to believe in something. Just because I don't believe in a/any god/s doesn't mean I don't believe in stuff. I believe in lots of stuff: aliens, ghosts, love, Oprah and the power of positivity. Oh – and curses. I'm not messing with that shit.
Believe it or not, being an atheist isn't just about saying 'I don't believe in god anymore'. For me, it's harder than that. There were things I used to do, even though I never told anyone. I used to pray sometimes. I would pray for someone I knew that was sick or in trouble, or if I drove past a cross by the side of the road surrounded in flowers. I would even throw out a Happy Birthday message to ol' JC each Dec 25^th. Being an atheist means I can't do that anymore, it's all or nothing, that's how it works. It's been hard to get rid of those old habits. Now I just send out some mega positive vibes to people that need it and just resort to plain old hope I guess.
So what do I do about Christmas? It's all about the birth of a dude I don't believe existed, but everyone around me celebrates – my friends, my family. I gotta admit – I don't wanna say goodbye to Christmas. I know that sounds pretty petulant – like I said, it's all or nothing, right? So I've been thinking lots about it. I don't wanna be the only scrooge in my personal network. So, my solution is that I'll just treat it like a family day. Christmas is now my official day to make an effort to be with my family and eat shitloads of food. It makes people happy and if they're happy then so am I. I also think it has a lot to do with my Dad. He LOVED Christmas and every year tried to make it awesome. He would be disappointed enough that I'm an atheist, but it would kill him (if he were alive) if I stopped celebrating Christmas.
That brings me to my next point – kids. I am already looking forward to next year when I can holiday with Snowy and my nephew, cos that's the first year he will be able to really understand Christmas and Santa and stuff. So... what about when I have a kid? I already know that I would never deprive a child of that joy. So, I guess Christmas has its talons in me pretty deep and all I can do is get drunk and roll with it.
Onto other news related to Christmas – wastage of money. Ho-ly BALLS do I waste some money! The other night I was leaving work and parked beside my car was the car I had sold to a mate of mine. It was my first car. It was a Daewoo. First mistake right there. When heaps and heaps of people say that something is shit, it probably is. Nonetheless I bought it. The saddest part (actually who am I kidding, there are too many 'saddest parts' to count) is that these days, I'm seeing ads for brand new little cars – good brands like Holden and Ford for like $14000. I bought my daweoo for $20000. Talk about all-time bonehead moves. It was in shitty condition by the time I sold it – a list of things as big as my arm needing fixing, some drunken douche had keyed it and it was filled with dog hair. So, I cut a deal with the kid I sold it to. 'You can have it in the condition it is in now for $500'. That's a $19500 loss. I'm a savvy businesswoman, for sure. Would you believe he complains about the dog hair? The reason I noticed it the other night is cos he has fixed a BMW badge to it, on the boot where the old Daewoo symbol used to be. I guess when you buy a car for $500, you can stick shit all over it and who cares, it was only $500. He should stick sea shells on it like in that episode of the Simpsons. Pondering this epic loss led me to remember when I went to Canada the first time to play inline hockey for Australia. The first thing I did was go to a skate shop and buy a new pair cos I didn't like mine. $500 bucks later I had a pair of Mission D2s. I played decently in the tournament – I liked them, but in the end I wore them about 10-12 times and never again. I later sold them for $200. I should just never have money. Perhaps I will move and live on the land, growing what I eat. I'll have to make a TV though, and I don't think I'm that smart.
In slightly more awesome news – our zine is almost ready to hit the streets! I'm super pumped! The editorial committee (that's the only committee) is meeting tomorrow to put it together! We even have some colour pages! There are 40 pages in it! Some of the articles include a terribly accurate poem on leggins, a movie review, a very informative account of the reindeer and even an erotic tale. The cover is TACTILE. So, if you would like a copy – email us at hair_pie_DIY@hotmail.com and we will arrange one for you! I'm bringing some copies overseas! We're going WORLDWIDE BABYYYYY!!!

So I'm not going to write much about our holiday yet, otherwise I won't shut up about it, but I will share a couple of funny things that I'm looking forward to.

-Kat thinks that we can get nacho hats at Madison Square Garden. I scoffed but secretly hope we can. Failing that, just nachos.

-Madison Square garden.

-Sydney Crosby at Madison Square Garden.

-My friends in London, Ontario, I miss them so much!! The person I can't wait to see the most is my mate (let's call her) Wik. She is the coolest Canadian ever and I reckon in the top 5 Mums on the planet. She reminded me today of the Christmas I spent there with her once – we stayed up until 5am wrapping presents so we wound all the clocks back 3 hours so that the kids would think it was earlier and we could get more sleep! Man were they pissed when they found out! In hindsight, it was really mean but it's still funny. Her kids are older now so I don't think they would fall for it again.

-Paris again. This time I can speak a bit. Last time I read a phrase book on the Eurostar and then Snowy got carried away with my abilities and asked me to ask a salesperson about kinds of cheese and if she could toast something. Also I'm going to go nuts on perfume. Yes, I wear perfume. I'm one of those pretentious motherf***ers who only wears expensive shit too. Cheap crappola gives me a headache.

-Egypt. I might have to sell Kat but whatever gets us inside Tutankhamen's tomb...

Alright, that's probably enough. Last thing I want to share is something that happened the other day on Facebook. My mate tagged me in this pic. When I saw it, it was midnight, I had just finished work, I was waaay overtired and I actually cracked up at it. Well, I cracked up at the pic and the first comment:

Facebook user: 'that is so funny I love the turtles'

That just set me off, and I honestly don't know if it's funny to anyone else or just me in that state of mind – but what else is there in that pic to love?! The sand? The foam? Then my mate who was tagged as Raphael commented:

'Hey where's my other sai? WHAT IS THIS???'

And I snorted again, I could imagine her rage. Shortly after this, a mate in America used the pic for herself and tagged me in the post. Some douche wrote this:

Facebook user: 'I hate to be that guy, but yeah... the Ninja Turtles aren't sea turtles. They would most likely be some type of fresh water turtle. Thanks.'

*blank 'I'm looking at you this way cos you're a fucktard' face* THEY'RE ANTHROPOMORPHIC, ASSHOLE!!! IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER WHAT THEY WERE!! THIS PIC IS FUNNY AND YOU ARE RUINING IT!! Incidentally, they were red eared sliders, but I'm not telling him that. Pompous git.

Then, today at the same mall where I saw the squirrel-tail-hair combing I found this on the ground:

Omen. Boom.

Alright, that's really it this time, thanks for your patience and merry christmas to all!
Tx
P.S. Just kidding – I don't believe in Oprah ;)

Ok now I'm just showing off.

I'm writing this blog from my iPhone. Yep, I'm a futuristic robot. My sister calls it 'cosmopolitan' when she does stuff like this or eat sushi or drink coffee whilst walking in the street. I think she means 'metropolitan' but she's so damn cute I never correct her. We killed ourselves laughing when we were in gay Paris n she suggested we go c all the cute lil bouquets and I was like 'do u mean boutiques?'
aaanyway so I'm using my iPhone so if my spelling is out, LAY OFF, the keys are real small and I hate landscape, almost as much as I hate cyclists.
... No, there's no disclaimer of 'just kidding heh heh' I really do hate them, they're in my way and can't go as fast as my car.
So a kinda funny thing happened today on my way 2 work. I was already late cos I spent 2 long on Twitter (robot) and my beautiful gf (who I love madly) was in the car with me. She wanted a 'Synergy' drink (which they don't sell enuf of) so I pulled in2 a servo on port rd, the only place I know who sells it. When we were ready 2 leave, we lined up at the driveway. Some stupid doddery old bitch was in front. It became clear pretty quick that she wanted 2 pull out straight in2 the FAR lane. It was peak hour. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon 2 figure out that's just not gunna happen. Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting. About ten 2 twelve cars lined up behind her now. I gave a polite toot toot. This started the barrage. Other ppl tooted too, then ppl started shouting. I started laughing and tooted more. The lady second in line leant out her window and shouted something. More tooting. I put my thumb on the horn and left it there. My gf was horrified n started trying to stop me. I had to use both hands. She was trying frantically to rip them off and juggle her drink and yell at me all at once. I was laughing and tooting. Ppl started shouting more. Words like 'stupid', 'bitch' and 'moron' were flying around, and not just from my mouth. The lady second in line got out of her car and went up 2 the alleged moron, shouting and gesturing wildly with her hands... The woman still sat there.
Eventually, she crawled off and we had seriously spent about 5 mins in that servo. That's way 2 long if ur not even buying fuel. Consequently, I was 5 mins late 2 work.
The moral of this story? There isn't one really. Just don't piss ppl off when it's peak hour n ur a doddery old bitch who can't drive.
That is all, work 2 do.
Tx