Showing posts with label Australia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Australia. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I was a thirty-something racist: part one

This is long; get a coffee.

I am Australian and I am a racist.  Well, at least I was.  I’ve been slapped in the face by the unforgiving palm of reality, and the shame-filled ripple effect it has caused is growing in intensity, rather than petering back out to the calm waters that once were my life.

The shittiest part is: I was the worst kind of racist—the kind who says things like ‘I’m not a racist but…’ and ‘look, I’ll try to make this not sound racist because I’m not being racist, but…’ or ‘I’m not racist; I treat everyone equally’.  Sound like anyone you know?  Sound like you?  Don’t be ashamed yet, because right now you are just a person silently reading something on a screen.  The time for shame will be if you get to the bottom of this and do not even have the slightest desire to explore this further.

Let me start at the start, with what we are taught as children in our schools. 

*DISCLAIMER--- What some children are taught today will be different to this, if they are lucky enough to be in a school committed to a black-white partnership.  I’m talking about people who have already acquired a ‘knowledge’ of our nation’s history*

When I went to school, the basic story was that Captain Cook discovered Australia, and colonised it.  He rocked up with a bunch of ships, came ashore and claimed the land.  Let’s break this down for a second, with a series of questions and answers…

1.       Child: ‘Why would a man, with a fleet and a nation behind him feel that it was ok to just take a piece of land that already belonged to someone else?’

Misinformed parent: ‘Because the inhabitants were primitive, savage and uneducated of course.  The British were civilised!  They knew better and the natives would be better off for it.’

Wrong.  That is invasion, pure and simple.  The British declared that the continent was ‘terra nullius’, meaning ‘land belonging to no-one’.  We go ahead and abhor invasion when it is somewhere else in history, but it happened here, in Australia.  It doesn’t matter that the British were in a different state of development than the Aboriginal people of Australia; that land ALREADY BELONGED TO PEOPLE, people who were very happy with their own culture and not in need of imported diseases, oppression, ‘guidance’ or the invaders’ idea of ‘order’.  Britain claimed that no individual or group held any ‘sovereign’ title to the land, so basically it was up for grabs, and they grabbed it.

2.       Child: ‘Well, surely Captain Cook and his men at least asked permission to settle, or negotiated some sort of compromise?’

Misinformed parent : ‘Well, no… why should they?  They were the superior race!  The Aboriginal people hadn’t even invented the wheel!  Or the bow and arrow!  It’s the natural progression of evolution!’

No, it isn’t.  And they weren’t superior, just different.  The problem is that they certainly thought they were superior, and they had the strength to simply take what they wanted anyhow.  So they did.  Did you know that Aboriginal people used to be officially classed as flora and fauna and that the word Aboriginal was not capitalised until the 1967 election?

3.       Child: ‘Why couldn’t they just share?’

Misinformed parent : ‘And let all the natives have the best land for building cities and ports?  Nothing would ever have been achieved!’

Not only did they not ‘share’ in any way whatsoever, the Aboriginal people were forced off their lands the more the settlement and invaders wanted to spread.  Many thousands of people died in battle for their land.  Many were simply killed as one might poison rats in a larder.  I’m serious.  Poisoning Waterholes was the easiest way, look it up.   They were also hunted.  Like animals.

4.       Child: ‘So… the Aboriginals were just kinda forced into the desert, where nobody else wanted to live?’

Misinformed parent : ‘Nooooo, they like it there.  They are a nomadic people, they prefer to be ‘on the land’.  It was better for them to be there, away from the settlements.’

Wrong.  Aboriginal people were forced into camps and reserves in the hope that they would die out in time anyway.  In 1916, Governor Macquarie decreed that no Aboriginal person was allowed to appear armed with any weapon within a mile of any settlement and no more than six Aboriginal people are allowed to ‘lurk or loiter near farms’. As a result, some Aboriginal people became fringe dwellers on the outskirts of cities and towns, while others managed a meagre living in the casual labour force of rural and outback Australia, being paid far less than their white-skinned counterparts. They were no longer allowed to live as they had done for tens of thousands of years, but neither were they able to become equal partners and citizens in the wider society that had taken their land.

5.       Child: ‘But… weren’t our explorers brave men, taking on the unknown, the new frontiers?’

Misinformed parent : ‘Oh yes!  They triumphed through many hardships and perilous terrain!’

Mhm.  With who to guide them, do you think?  Forced to guide them, more accurately—without Aboriginal guides many of the celebrated explorers would quite simply have perished or been killed by hostile Aboriginal people.  I’m not making this up; it’s written, in books and everything.

6.       Child: ‘So… nobody even tried to make a treaty with Aboriginal people or anything?’

Misinformed parent : ‘Oh, I’m sure they would have…’

No, they didn’t.  One guy actually, by the name of John Batman (seriously) did try, for land at Port Phillip bay.  Governor Bourke did not recognise the treaty, and the purchase was voided.

So, that was how the British invaders rolled at the time.  There are numerous horrifying documented cases of brutal massacres, utterly distressing cases of sexual abuse against women too young for Motherhood, not to mention the sickness introduced by the White man for which the Aboriginal people had no immunity, vaccination or cure.  Even the common cold proved to be fatal.  Aboriginal people were treated as a pest.  It is a common misconception that the settlement of Australia was a relatively peaceable affair.  This picture was painted for me by my Australian education.  What they omit is the details of the immense drop in Aboriginal population in the first 150 years of British occupation.  It’s estimated that the Aboriginal population of Australia prior to the invasion in 1788 was over one million.  By the 1920s, census figures indicate that only about 58,000 ‘full-blood’ Aboriginal people survived in Australia.  Those figures were done by a guy called Butlin.  Here is a little more info:

Butlin’s figures therefore suggest a 96% decline in the Aboriginal population. Not everyone agrees with Butlin’s calculations, and it must be emphasised that this paper does not rest upon the acceptance of Butlin’s figures. The lower (Radcliffe-Brown) population estimate still demands that we deal with a decline from 300,000 to 58,000, indicating that European settlement of Australia removed well over 80% of the original inhabitants. While there are arguments about whether or not this reduction constitutes ‘genocide’, such an impact on the Indigenous inhabitants resembles the fate of many oppressed ethnic groups elsewhere in the world whose mistreatment or annihilation we deplore.

Many, many people believed that the decline in the number of Aboriginal people was inevitable, because they were ‘stone age’ and even our Prime Minister John Gorton publically claimed that they didn’t even make tools and that they ‘would not know what another tribe was doing’.  ‘Sounds like pretty primitive thinking’ I thought to myself as I read this, ‘He must have been a really early PM.’  Yeah.  Early.  1968-71.

Moving on.  Let’s skip to the 1800s, when (in addition to settlers being given permission to shoot unarmed Aboriginal people on their property) a bunch of rules started popping up with regards to Aboriginal people.  Here are a few, along with some interesting facts:

·         In 1816: passports or certificates are issued to Aboriginal people who ‘conduct themselves in a suitable manner’ to show they are ‘officially accepted’ by Europeans,

·         In 1837: In London, a Parliamentary Select Committee affirms the ‘plain and sacred right’ of Indigenous peoples to land.  The committee reports genocide is happening in the colonies.

·         In 1838: A massacre happened at Vinegar Hill (60-70 Aboriginal deaths) and in Myall Creek, where 28 Aboriginal old men, women and children were butchered.  When their killers were brought to trial, and some of them subsequently sentenced to death by hanging, there was a public outcry from the settlements, at the fact that people would hang for the murdering of Aboriginal people.  There were also reports of poisoned flour.

·         In 1868: The first overseas cricket tour leaves Australia for England; the team is all Aboriginal, also 150 Aboriginal people are killed resisting arrest in the Kimberleys.

·         In 1869: Act for “Protection and Management of Aboriginal Natives” is passed in Victoria.

·         In 1883: NSW Aborigines Protection Board (APB) takes over reserves for Aboriginal people and sets up reserve schools – usually taught by untrained managers’ wives with an inferior curriculum. Aboriginal children could attend the local public schools providing they were “habitually clean, decently clad and that they conduct themselves with propriety, both in and out of school”.

·         In 1886: The Victorian Aborigines Protection Act excludes “half castes” from their definition of an Aboriginal person. As a result nearly half the residents of the stations have to leave their homes.

·         In 1901: Australia becomes a federation and Aboriginal people are excluded from the census and the lawmaking powers of the Commonwealth Parliament.  The Commonwealth Constitution states ‘in reckoning the numbers of people...Aboriginal natives shall not be counted’.  It also states that the Commonwealth would legislate for any race except Aborigines.  Also, the White Australia Policy bars ‘coloured’ immigrants and denies Aboriginal existence. Aboriginal people are excluded from the vote, pensions, employment in post offices, enlistment in Armed Forces, maternity allowance.  It wasn’t until we were very thin on the ground for manpower that the armed forces allowed Indigenous people to enlist, and often they weren’t even paid.

·         In 1908: The Invalid and Old Age Pension Act provides social security for all Australians except Aboriginal people.

 

You getting a bit pissed off yet?

 

·         In 1909: The Aborigines Protection Act 1909 (NSW) gives APB the power to remove Aboriginal children from their families.  Oh, no big deal, just remove them from their fucking families.

·         In 1925: Australian Aboriginal Progress Association (AAPA) established. The AAPA, officially launched in February 1925, was the ‘first Aboriginal political organisation to create formal links between communities over a wide area’. It was important because of the role it played in planting political seeds that flowered in future generations of indigenous political leaders in south-eastern Australia. The AAPA campaigned for “freehold title to land, the cessation of the removal of Aboriginal children and the abolition of the NSW Aborigines Protection Board(APB).

·         In 1928: Another massacre, known as the ‘Conniston massacre’: whites admit to shooting 31 Aboriginal people after a white dingo trapper is killed. Aboriginal records show scores more died. A court of inquiry says the Europeans’ action was ‘justified’. Aboriginal people are refused legal aid by the Federal Government.

·         In 1937: First Native Welfare Conference – policy of Assimilation is adopted to make Aboriginal people the same as White Australians.  Whaaaaat?

·         In 1948: The Commonwealth Citizenship and Nationality Act for the first time gives a category of “Australian Citizenship” to all Australians, including all Aboriginal people.  However, at state level Aboriginal people still suffer legal discrimination.

·         In 1949: Australian Citizenship Act 1949 (Cth), gives Aboriginal people the vote in Commonwealth elections if they are enrolled for State elections or have served in the Armed Forces.

·         In 1953-57: Atomic tests, code named Operation Totem, are conducted at Emu, South Australia. A black cloud passes leaving many Aboriginal people suffering radiation sickness.

·         In 1962: All Aboriginal people are given the vote in Commonwealth elections.  Let’s break that down a bit.  Also in 1962, otherwise known as MCMLXII, The Beatles audition for Decca records, Ranger 3 is launched to study the Moon (it later misses the Moon by 22,000 miles), Leonard Bernstein causes controversy with his remarks before a concert featuring Glenn Gould with the New York Philharmonic, when he (Bernstein) announces that although he disagrees with Gould's style of playing the Brahms First Piano Concerto, he finds Gould's ideas fascinating and will conduct the piece anyway (this is really groundbreaking stuff here), The 34th Academy Awards ceremony is held; West Side Story wins Best Picture,  In Los Angeles, California, the first MLB game is played at Dodger Stadium, The Ranger 4 spacecraft crashes into the Moon, The first Walmart store, then known as Wal-Mart (which is still the corporate name), opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas, American artist Andy Warhol premieres his Campbell's Soup Cans exhibit in Los Angeles, Marvel Comics publishes Amazing Fantasy#15, which features the first published appearance of Spider-Man, created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, Beatles drummer Pete Best is fired and replaced by Ringo Starr (because he was too good-looking and charismatic, I have this on personal authority from a friend of mine who knew the Beatles), The first black student, James Meredith, registers at the University of Mississippi, escorted by Federal Marshals, earliest recorded use of the term ‘personal computer’ in the report of a speech by computing pioneer John Mauchly in The New York Times, Leonardo da Vinci's early 16th-century painting the Mona Lisa is assessed for insurance purposes at US$100 million before touring the United States for several months, the highest insurance value for a painting in history. However, The Louvre, its owner, chooses to spend the money that would have been spent on the insurance premium on security instead and Jim Carrey was born.  CAN YOU PICK THE TWO BASIC CIVIL RIGHTS THAT DO NOT BELONG IN A LIST OF THINGS FROM NINETEEN SIXTY FUCKING TWO?!?!?  And P.S. Aboriginal and Torres Strait Peoples are still discriminated against, in our constitution, see here.

·         In 1966: Arbitration Commission rules equal pay for Aboriginal workers in the pastoral industry but defers it for three years.  Equal pay?!?!? *slaps face in horror*

·         In 1967: 91% of Australian voters vote YES in a Referendum to count Aboriginal people in the census and give the Commonwealth the power to make laws for Aboriginal people.

·         In 1971: Neville Bonner becomes the first Aboriginal member of Parliament when he filled a casual Senate vacancy. In 1972 he is elected on the Liberal Party ticket in Queensland.

·         In 1972: the Whitlam Labor Government is elected – abolishes White Australia Policy, sets up Department of Aboriginal Affairs; new Aboriginal policy of self determination, and the Whitlam Government freezes all applications for mining and exploration on Commonwealth Aboriginal reserves.

·         In 1975: Prime Minister Gough Whitlam hands back title to Gurindji people, the Racial Discrimination Act 1975 (Cth) is passed in the Commonwealth Parliament, but also The Laverton Royal Commission in Western Australia investigating clashes between police and Aboriginal people at Laverton and Skull Creek in December, 1974 and January, 1975, found that police were unable to justify arrests and that some parts of the police story had been invented.

·         In 1977: Aboriginal woman Isobel Coe received $100 in damages in the Moree District Court, NSW against Malcolm Barber who refused her entrance to his bar.  One.  Hundred.  Dollars.  In other news, I was born.

·         In 1980: Link-Up NSW established to re-unite families of the Stolen Generations (remember, when white people saw fit to simply steal Aboriginal people’s children). NSW Parliament Select Committee inquiry into land rights for Aboriginal people.

·         In 1987: Prime Minister Bob Hawke sets up a Royal Commission into Aboriginal Deaths in Custody in response to the high rate of Aboriginal incarceration and death in prisons and police lockups.  It is interesting to note that both Gough Whitlam and Bob Hawke were Labour…

·         In 1989: The NSW Taskforce on Aboriginal Heritage and Culture recommends that responsibility for Aboriginal Heritage be removed form the National Parks and Wildlife Service and that a separate Aboriginal Heritage Commission be established.  National Parks and Wildlife?  What the ACTUAL fuck?!?!?

·         In 1992: The High Court of Australia rules in the Mabo case that native title exists over particular kinds of land – unalienated Crown land, national parks and reserves – and that Australia was never ‘terra nullius’.  Also, Prime Minister Keating (Labour) launches Australian celebration of International Year of the World’s Indigenous Peoples (1993), with a speech accepting responsibility for past mistreatment of Aboriginal people by non-Aboriginal Australians and calling for reconciliation. The speech becomes known as the ‘Redfern Park speech’ (transcript here).

·         In 1996: Election of Howard Coalition Government in Canberra – seen as opposed to Aboriginal rights.  Howard = Liberal.  Also, in his first budget as PM, Howard cuts $470 million in funding to The Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Commission.

·         In 1997: The report tabled in Federal Parliament that shook Australia. Bringing Them Home detailed painful evidence of the removal of thousands of Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander children from their families, also, National Sorry Day - a day for organisations to apologies for the removal of Aboriginal children from their families. A chance for all Australians to recognise the pain thousands of Aboriginal people went through. The first ‘Sorry Day’ is marked by hundreds of activities around the country. The Australian Federal Government does not take part in ‘Sorry Day’, saying people who removed Aboriginal children thought they were doing the right thing and people now should not have to say sorry for what people did in the past, 12 October: Thousands of Australian people plant hands in front of Parliament House, Canberra in support of native title and reconciliation between black and white Australia and South Australian Premier John Olsen apologises to Aboriginal people for past wrongs, particularly the Stolen Generation: “I apologise on behalf of South Australians for the effects that the then Government policy had on the families and children of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people [...] This sad episode has caused a scar on the face of this nation. [...] By apologising, I hope that we can now move forward.”

·         In 1998: Pauline Hanson and One Nation Party campaign against Aboriginal ‘special treatment’. Commonwealth Parliament statement of commitment to Reconciliation.

·         In 1999: On June 2, the Draft Document for Reconciliation was released for nationwide discussion by the Australian people, and Howard officially refuses a national apology for members of the Stolen Generations.

·         In 2000: May 27-28 Corroboree 2000 is held at Sydney Opera House to mark 10 years of work on Reconciliation. Here, the Council for Aboriginal Reconciliation presents to the nation Corroboree 2000 - Towards Reconciliation which includes the documents Australian Declaration towards Reconciliation and Roadmap for Reconciliation; over 300,000 people join People’s Walk for Reconciliation across Sydney Harbour Bridge. Howard refuses to take part, Sydney 2000 Olympics. The Sydney 2000 Olympics showcased Indigenous culture to the world. The opening and closing ceremonies  celebrated Indigenous cultural identity and history and provided some deft political comment on contemporary Indigenous issues, and Indigenous athlete, Cathy Freeman lights the Olympic torch and wins the gold medal in the women’s 400m.

·         In 2001: Indigenous people and cultural events featured heavily in the Centenary of Federation program. The Yeperenye Festival outside Alice Springs was the largest corroboree ever staged in this  country – over 25 000 people and 40 Indigenous nations. The program celebrated the first Aboriginal federation of over 1000 generations.

·         In 2004: At least 40 police officers are reported injured following a night of violence directed at the police in Redfern, Sydney. The riot follows the death of a 17 year old Aboriginal boy, TJ Hickey.  I was snowboarding in Canada.  I never even heard about it.

·         In 2004: October 2004 – Howard formally dumps the word ‘reconciliation’ from the government agenda, axing the ‘Minister Assisting the Prime Minister on Reconciliation’, also on the 26 November 300 members of the Aboriginal community at Palm Island protest over the death in custody of local man Cameron Doomadgee on 19 November. 9 are arrested and later charged. The Federal government admits progress in reducing Aboriginal deaths in custody had been slow.

·         In 2006: 27 September: Queensland acting State Coroner Christine Clements finds that Senior Sergeant Hurley was responsible for the death of Cameron Doomadgee in 2004 whilst he was in custody, then on 14 December the state’s Director of Public Prosecutions, Leanne Clare announce there was not enough evidence to convict Senior Sergeant Chris Hurley of any offence. There is nationwide protest and dissatisfaction at the decision.

·         In 2007: June 20: Jury acquits Senior Sergeant Hurley on manslaughter and assault charges.

So.  There you have it.  And that’s only a drop in the bucket, and only until 2007.  Waddaya reckon has happened in the last 7 years?  Why don’t you go have a look?

I can’t make this post much longer, because I imagine that the people who have hung on thus far are fading fast.  The point I am making in this particular post is that I used to be racist.  I was racist because I was uneducated.  I am completely and utterly ashamed to admit that I was one of those people that thought any, some or all of the following things, which I know that people I love dearly still think:

1.       ‘Yeah yeah yeah, sorry?  I’m not saying sorry.  What have I got to be sorry for?  I have never been racist to an Aboriginal person.  I treat them the same as anybody.’

2.       ‘What does it matter now?  What’s done is done.  History can’t be undone.  Why can’t they just get over it and move on?’

3.       ‘Ugh.  How is it fair that Aboriginal people get more stuff given to them?  That’s reverse racism.’

4.       ‘Why can’t they just see themselves as the same as us?  I do.’

5.       ‘Why are they all so lazy?  I’ve never seen one actually working a job.’

6.       ‘They bring this on themselves.’

7.       ‘Well maybe if they didn’t get smashed all the time…’

It’s gross.  And sad.  Here are the answers that I have now, to those questions:

1.       ‘It’s not so much about the actual utterance of that word.  It’s about the acknowledgement of the atrocities that were committed and then covered up.  It’s about admitting that the stuff we were spoonfed as kids in a classroom was not our nation’s true history, but a history of the white-skinned people who took it from its rightful owners.  It’s about realising that regardless of what I personally think, or what my family lineage is, my white skin carries with it a history, a story, and that until I accept, admit and embrace the truth and am committed to moving forward together, then I am not respecting the journey and struggle of Aboriginal people over the last 226 years.

2.       That’s right, mistakes cannot be undone.  But we can take responsibility for them.  This isn’t fixed.  You’re blind if you think so.  Racism is still very much alive NOW.  This stuff happened to them, and still does.  If you were persecuted, mistreated, disregarded, viewed as less-than-human and had your children stolen from you or your ancestors did, would you appreciate being told to ‘just get over it, it happened but we’ve moved on, why can’t you’?

3.       My favourite saying for the last few years is ‘equity for all does not necessarily mean equality for all.’  Do you have a grandparent?  Are they on a pension?  I’m not.  I am expected to work for the money I earn.  That’s not fair.  The government just gives all these oldies money, gives it to them for free.  Why?  They can still do stuff!  Make them work!  We need equality!  Know anyone with a loved one who is disabled, incapacitated, or ill in any way and receiving a benefit?  Not fairrrrrrrr, if they get free money, I want mine!  This is the difference between the two.  This money situation is not equality.  The amounts we are given are not equal, but it is equity.  I am able-bodied and thankfully able to enjoy an active lifestyle, so I don’t need money from the government right now.  Aboriginal people have been stepped on for a very long time.  They are at a distinct disadvantage in many ways.  Treating all Australians with equity means that not everything we all receive will be the same, because some need more help than others.

4.       Because why?  Why should Aboriginal people view themselves as the same as non-Aboriginal people?  You could read up on Aboriginal culture for a week solid and still not scrape the surface of their connection to their land, ancestors, animals and nature.  Why can’t we make some advancement towards their end?  Why can’t we non-Aboriginal people work harder to work together and respect everybody’s culture?

5.       Open your eyes, idiot.  Wider.  Wider.  Wider still.  That’s better.  Generalising an entire race into a horrible stereotype is racism, pure and simple.  When I went once to a rally for marriage equality, there was a group of religious assholes there with megaphones spouting hate.  The main guy said two things that stuck in my mind: ‘we know you were all molested as children, that’s why you are gay’ and ‘we know you all have prolapsed anuses from anal sex’.  Uhhhhhhhh pardon?  I think I know my own life.  I have never been molested and my anus is FINE.  I was dumbfounded that he just lumped all homosexual people into that category.  To be truly not racist or bigoted in any way means to stop applying these harmful stereotypes.  ALL THE TIME, ALWAYS.  It HURTS.  Gay people are not perverted, and they will not influence your children to be gay.  Greeks and Italians don’t like to be called ‘Wog’ by you, and no, they won’t make you dinner cos you feel like pasta.  All Asian people (including those from India, I mean Asia as a continent) are not bad drivers.  And all Aboriginal people are not lazy and perpetually drunk.  This is all racism and/or discrimination.  Think about it.  You don’t see a white person drunk somewhere and think ‘bloody white people’.  Why would you categorise any cultural group on the actions of some?

6.       No they don’t.  They are fighting for equity, respect and a true black-white partnership.  And they deserve to.  They don’t have to sit down and be quiet.

7.       See answer 5.

So that’s it for today.  Not my most light-hearted post, but if we all took a stand against racism, maybe one day we could truly wipe it out.  Just think about this stuff, please.  It will make you a better person.  Sometimes, admitting you were an asshole is a very good way to really start to become good.

This post will be followed by part 2, which will explore the ins and outs of white privilege.

Thanks for reading.

Tx
P.S. I will not be celebrating Australia day this year.  How can anyone celebrate the day people landed on this continent and began persecuting its rightful owners?  My personal hope is that one day, through a black-white partnership we can come up with a day/date on which we can celebrate reconciliation and working together, a date that means something good for all Australians, not just the dominant race/culture.  Pretty much no matter where you live, there will be something cool going on that uses the day to remember sacrifice and resilience, not invasion and conquering.  Google is your friend here.  If you live in my town, head to Semaphore, for Survival Day.  It will be full of people committed to a better goal than breaking the Guinnes world record for the longest chain of floating giant Havis (and I'm not kidding, that is actually happening).  I can already hear people saying 'fuck that, I'm an Aussie, same as everyone else and I'm celebrating Australia day.'  I'm an Aussie too, but I can't celebrate a history that held down the original inhabitants of our land for so long.  I'm just not that selfish and ignorant anymore.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Inaugural, that's me.

Wow.
Alright, I'm not going to begin this post with an apology for not making an entry in so long. By now I consider it applied. What I will say is be prepared for a pretty long story. Find a Cumfy seat, grab a beer, a coffee or a white wine spritzer and pop on your bifocals. I need to go back a little bit...
*wiggly flashback music and effects*
Remember that badass sport that I play, roller derby? Well, I'm not sure whether I mentioned it or not, but I was lucky enough to be chosen to represent Australia at the first ever Roller Derby World Championships, hosted by Blood and Thunder magazine and Toronto Roller Derby, in Toronto. Well, since Aus is pretty much the exact opposite of the globe from Toronto, I was set up to shell out a lot of cash. So, the moment I was selected, I nutted out ways to raise money to get there. The Lil' Adelaide Rollers (Adelaide's junior league) jumped on board straight away, they were amazing support from the start. They (in addition to being brilliantly skilled and clever kids) were brilliantly skilled fundraisers too, and presented me with an oversized novelty cheque to the amount of $1500. Like I said, amazing. Also, I made myself a Pozible project and (thanks to the kindness of my family, friends and even some strangers) raised a whopping $1600 there too. Lastly, my amazing band, 50 Cycle Hum agreed to performing a fundraising gig for me which raised another $700!

So. That's where the story starts, with a quick rundown of the gig. So with a Pozible, you have to provide rewards for the different amounts that people might pledge to your project. In addition to this, it's advisable to promote it by offering incentives to reach certain milestones. For example, I promised that I would re-enact the dance fusion scene from The Office (British version) in the middle of Rundle Mall if I reached $650 by a certain day. I did. I haven't done the dance yet, but I will. The next incentive that I thought of was to get it over the $1000 mark - I promised to perform the last set of our fundraising gig in a onesy. I did. It was velour and bloody hot.



Though we had done a couple of gigs before, this one was to be in front of a lot more people that knew me, so I was a little bit more apprehensive than usual. The Squatter's Arms pub in Thebarton let us have the room for free (awesome) and we charged people ten bucks at the door. As well as my band volunteering and the pub donating the room, my mate Lori who is a wicked stand up comedienne also emceed the evening, performing as both herself and later on, as her alter ego, Granny Flaps. Sometimes I'm a little flabbergasted at people's kindness.

Anyway, I accidentally got a bit drunk. I had three different costumes prepared for the night, the onesy that I borrowed from Brain being the finale one. My amazing girlfriend Mercedes got me dressed in it, the big bolt pinned on the front, the bolt on my face and my hair teased complete with glitter in about 7 minutes flat.



The band played amazingly as usual, though I screwed up a couple of songs cos I'm not used to the absence of a fold back speaker (but also cos I'm not a great singer lol), so I'll have to learn to be prepared for that possibility.
So, my one goal was to have a moshpit, and possibly a little crowd surfing. Moshpit was achieved for the encore song, which was Killing In The Name, a personal fave of mine. Crowd surfing... Well, one person did, but only on one person. To understand this, you'll just have to watch the following vid. Be prepared: like I said, I was drunk. I have a potty mouth when sober, so... You get the gist. Listen for me telling the crowd to 'calm their tits' - that's how you can tell I'm truly sauced. Enjoy...

http://www.facebook.com/robyn.hall.loves.life?sk=photos#!/video/video.php?v=10150373447106205

After we finished, Liss n Jars headed home, and so did Tash, leaving me to party for a few more hours with these questionable characters:



I got very excited to find $2... (I'm holding it here)



Then Skato stole it and gloated.



We slapped her hard.



All in all, it was a smashing good time.

So that was a week before I left. Then I had to go to Kit Car's wedding the next day which was a great combo of really nice and really 'Kit Cat and Paul', so it was ace. Unfortunately, I could not consume any more alcohol after the night before so I was a sensible wedding guest but I danced and enjoyed myself no less. I will my whole life never forget the sight of Kit Car, exquisite wedding dress hitched up, moshing and shouting the words to Killing In The Name which played at her request.



Alright, so onto the World Cup!

I left Saturday the 26th Nov, which was heartbreaking for two reasons. Mercedes and I are attached at the hip and also the Lil' Adelaide Rollers had their first friends and family bout that day, which went really well and had heaps of support from local derby leagues. I suffer pretty badly from Jetlag, so I had to go then, or risk not be recovered for playing.
I flew over with the girls from Canberra - King Cam, Shortstop, Bambi Von Smasher and AmyKazee.  This was great, as I didn't have to be alone, and I also had people to entertain with my 'grab the seat phone and pretend it's a direct line to the president' gag.  The trip took ages, since we pretty much could not be further from Canada.  In fact, the most distance travelled by a world cup participant was whatever the hell distance I went, cos it was me.

When we arrived, we put our bags in our room and went to the hotel bar for a snack.  Wings.  My favourite thing to have in Canada, besides anything grape flavour.  I also had to have my customary 'just arrived in country and checked my bags in' drink, which is an old fashioned, like Don Draper drinks in Mad men.  I'm Don Draper, in lesbian form except that I don't earn heaps of money or have good ideas for ad campaigns.
The next day we slept til midday and went shopping.  I rejoiced cos I found a place that made gluten free burgers, and I had Atlantic salmon on it.  I also bought a green and gold beanie and then went to a local ice rink for a skate.  I like to get on my ice skates before playing derby.  It's really relaxing for me, as it takes me back to my roots and reminds me that skating is fun, lest I get caught up in too much pressure.  Here is me and my hair monster at the rink:


The next day we went to Niagara Falls, which was my fifth time, but it's still beautiful.  we marvelled at squirrels, oohed and ahhed at the falls and I bought a poncho because as it wasn't quite winter yet, there was still lots of overspray and I don't like getting water on me, especially my face.  Note: I do shower and swim, just don't like falling water on me.
The next couple of days went by pretty quick, with sporadic meetings of team members that I didn't know (almost everyone) and all of a sudden it was Tuesday, which was the day of our first training together.

My first impression of the venue was one of disappointment.  It was completely underwhelming, an old warehouse out of the way somewhere that even the local bus driver took ages to find.  There was a tiny a-frame sign outside one of four plain doors, with a sign attached that simply read 'roller derby'.  It was a piece of paper inside a plastic sleeve, clinging tenuously to the sign with a lonely piece of sticky tape.  It was half folded over, and beginning to run on account of the sleet (and the inadequate plastic sleeve).
Inside, my first thought was that this was just a training venue and that the actual tournament would be held elsewhere but that wasn't the case.  We couldn't get the toilet lights to work and I didn't want to go in the dark, cos I had a very strong feeling that there may have been a toilet ghost in there.  I held it.

We trained on the track that we would be using for our first two games, against Germany and Finland.  It was very slippery, but I have skated on worse.  I made a mental note to clean my wheels.  There were big pylons on the inside of the tracks, padded for skater safety but at least the track was nicely marked out, which was a redeeming feature.  Though I thought the venue was pretty rough for a world cup of anything (I imagine even dwarf throwing to have a little more luxury), I made up my mind to love it nonetheless, as I figured we needed as much positivity as possible.  During the tournament, I found out that it wasn't hosted by WFTDA as I had initially thought - it was hosted by Toronto Roller Derby.  This made much more sense, and I inwardly chastised myself for dissing their venue.  For an event held by just one local league, it was actually really good, and at least it had that underground 'get back to derby roots' feel.  Also, by the time the first games started, they had it looking pro.

Trainings can be a difficult time for me.  I am a very visual learner and tend to find my mind wandering if I have to listen to someone talk for too long.  I also expend so much energy trying to assimilate the things I'm learning, that I never skate very well and usually come off looking like a bit of a newborn giraffe.  So, all that, combined with the fact that I had just met most of my team the day before and also I had to learn a bunch of new strategies meant I was a bit nervous and generally gooberish.  At one point I thought to myself  'all this new shit is hard.  How the hell will I cope?' but immediately quashed the doubt.  I knew that at that point, my belief that I could do it was possibly all that held me to the ground.

I will briefly explain why all this strategy was new to me.  I don't watch derby.  I probably should, and I will probably try to from now on.  Also, Adelaide is sort of bottom of the food chain when it comes to new stuff, it seems to take longer to filter through to us, so I went into the tournament knowing very little of everything that everyone else is doing around the world at the highest level of the game.
I feel I do my best when playing.  Scrimmaging too, but particularly playing.  There's something about the atmosphere that just makes me leave it all on the track.  So, when we didn't scrimmage at either of the practices, I was concerned that I had not shown our coach what I could do.  I needn't have worried, he's a fantastic coach and has a plan, always. Lookit 'im here amping us up:



Like I had hoped, he arranged for everyone to get a game on our first day.  I wasn't on the roster for Germany, so I got myself a good seat and made ready to cheer my ass off.  We had very little knowledge of other teams in the cup.  We knew that USA would school us if we ever met them, we knew we were probably a pretty even match with NZ, but that was about it.  Germany had an air of mystery about them.  I think that people thought they would be the strongest in our pool (Australia, Germany and Finland), as they'd played a few games before.  I'm pretty sure Germany thought the same thing - well at least the three who shared an elevator with our manager Nicky Knockout (who is an absolute legend) and told her that they weren't playing against us, because their coach was sitting them for the hard games.  I guess their coach may have felt a teensy bit silly when we schooled them 136-53.

My first game was against Finland. I was nervous to be doing the new strategies and blocking styles but fortunately for me, there were some girls in the team who knew that stuff well, and they were amazing.  Ruby Ribcrusher (our captain), Sculley, Ladykiller, Muzzarati, Rose Ruin and Slawta Dawta all helped to make me calm and focused on the tasks at hand.  Whenever I wasn't sure, I would ask them (literally, on the track, say 'what do we do now?') and they always had an answer.  I tried my best to be always touching someone, looking for someone if we got separated, and listening for instruction.  When I got it, I tried to execute it immediately.  I felt myself settle in, though those first two bouts were only two halves of twenty minutes, and I always seem to forget how to lay a big block until about twenty minutes into any game.  At one point, Nicky stood in front of me and said:
'do you jam in your home league?'

*insert nodding head plastered with a grin*

'would you like to jam next?'

*insert vigorously nodding head that is now 90% maniacal joy expression with a pair of eyes and a nose on there somewhere*

So I waited in the jammer seat, and sprang up when the cacophony of whistles sounded.  I rushed out to the track, holding up my arm for the panty.  I'm not going to lie, I was nervous.  I lovelovelove to jam, but I had prepared myself that with jammers like Rose Ruin, Cookie Cutter, Short Stop, Bambi Von Smash'er and Ladykiller I probably would be simply blocking, which was still fine with me, cos I love to block also.  But, there I was, standing on the line, star on my helmet, in the green and gold.  That's not the only reason I was nervous.  When I jam at home, the blockers ask me what I want when we're waiting to go out.  My standard response is 'I wanna meet a blocker at the back, no walls and don't forget their jammer.'  Well.  I was about to meet all four of them at the back, cos it's all about owning the back now.  So, check.  'No walls'... no luck.  If I meet all four of my blockers, then I'm about to meet four foes as soon as I get through.  So, that was something I had to learn quick smart - trying to force a wall of four to ten feet so they have to let me through.  I'd never done this before, as probably my biggest strength is agility, and that requires gaps.  I jammed twice that game and loved it.  I finished the game thinking that if that was the only game I played I would be happy.

Anyhow, we won the game again by quite a margin - 179-29 and went on to play Scotland.  When I was named for the squad for that bout, I couldn't believe my luck!  I resolved to leave it all on the track again, skated my heart out and we won 251-48.  That win put us through to the quarter final with Sweden.  We knew that if we won that bout, we would meet the USA in the semis.  We did.  Initially I wasn't playing against Sweden, but at the last minute I was added and we beat them 126-80.  Here are a couple pics of that game, in the second one I'm crushing someone's fingers by accident:





So then it was USA.

Lemme tell you some things about team USA.  A lot of these girls have been playing this game for years upon years, some of them almost ten years I think.  They train like crazy, up to five times a week.  They take the sport seriously.  Thus, they are very, very good.  Fortunately for me, I don't watch footage on the net, so I had no idea who the majority of them were.  Ignorance was bliss for me.  I definitely respect them as amazing sportswomen but they're still people, not robots.  Actually, maybe Bonnie Thunders might be a robot - she's certainly some kind of derby machine.  Anyhow, I just didn't see the point in fainting with ecstasy when these girls were in the room.  I'm pretty sure if any of us trained five times a week for eight years against a million other leagues and skaters we would be that tight too.  Having said that, I was honoured to be playing against the finest skaters in the business, and keen to see how it would be. 

Now, I have no idea what went on in their bench, but I can only assume that if you are going into a tournament with the full knowledge that you will whoop every opponent, then surely you need some kind of motivation to keep striving.  If I had to guess, I would say that maybe they were aiming to beat a team by a certain margin, or perhaps finish a game without the other team having gotten on the board.  Like I said, I have no idea if this was the case, but those girls took to that game like it was the gold medal bout.  I was really stoked at the way they played.  I felt that they respected us as players, despite the vast gap in our skills.  I never at any stage felt like they were 'letting us get through' (quite obvious given the score of 532-4).  It was a pleasure playing against them and I learned so much from watching them, they were like one fluid unit.  At one point, we decided to change things up a bit, and started on the pivot line instead of the jam line, like every single jam in the tournament.  This seemed to rattle them, and we were able to get our jammer (Juke Nukem) through for four points!  We were ecstatic, clearly shown in the photo below, at the bottom of the blog.

So, after losing that game, we found ourselves in the bronze medal bout against England.  In the first ten minutes we thought we had a chance, and at one stage were leading about 44 to 16 if I recall correctly, but then they just exploded and gradually took the lead, pumping it to 203-85 by the final whistle.  They played the same systems we did, but were simply the better team, and deserved that medal.

So, that was our tournament.  Fourth place!  We were real proud of ourselves.  As the games progressed, I was constantly reminded of how many people were behind us at home, with my family, friends and league (my league and Lil' Adelaide Rollers too actually) constantly posting messages of support on Facebook.  I never forgot either, all the people who had helped me get there financially - on my Pozible, at our gig and at the LAR stuff and I would like to take this opportunity once more to thank everyone who had a hand in my trip. 


Some new mates from the Cup...

While I was there, I was able to catch up with some of the awesome chicks from the league in London (Ontario) too - Slacker Smacker gave me a robot necklace and made me a sign!  And my crazy derby wife Mirambo was at the finals in a one piece Canada suit!



Then, with all the games done and dusted, it was time to party.  We got home a bit late and then had to eat, so it was a while before I was able to get to the party.  I got there and made a beeline for the Scottish girls, knowing they would be partying hard.  Indeed they were, as I found Bandit wearing nothing but team Scotland stickers from the waist up.  Then Amanda Jamitinya sauntered past me, covered in birthday cake and wearing nothing whatsoever from the waist up.  I knew I wasn't drunk enough, so I ordered two drinks at a time.  I remember I chatted to Val Capone for a little while and Poison Pixie from NZ, then we were at the hotel.  We arrived just as the cops had broken up the party in the hotel bar, so we couldn't go there.  I guess maybe the Crowne Plaza will think twice before hosting twelve roller derby teams again.  Never to be halted by mere law enforcement, the Scots took the party to their room.  That's when things got a little hazy.  Evidently I was there, cos there are photos to prove it:





All I know, is I woke up in my room, alone and possibly dead.  My first thought is that the Canberra girls left without saying goodbye, but later they sent me this pic with the message that they did try to wake me, to no avail:



I got up and showered, at one point panicking with the thought that I had gone deaf until I realised there was no sound purely because there was nothing happening, and I relaxed.  It was the worst hangover I have ever experienced.  I called the front desk to ask for a late checkout and realised very suddenly that I had no voice.  Not just a husky voice, but no. voice. at. all.  From then on I had to write things down on a piece of paper!  I made my way very slowly to the greyhound terminal and wrote this on the paper to the ticket guy:

Hi!  I've lost my voice.  I would like a ticket on the next bus to London, please.

I wonder if he felt like as much of a dick as I thought he was when he wrote his reply on the paper!  I said I lost my voice, not my hearing!  I had just enough time to get a snack and line up for the bus.  I noticed at the snack bar that they sold 'meat patties'.  I was stoked, cos a lot of the time meat patties are wheat free.  Imagine my surprise when I got a little parcel of pastry with spicy mince inside.  There I was, scraping mince out of a pasty with my fingers, swaying side to side with possible alcohol poisoning, waiting for my bus.  I boarded and sat beside a girl watching a dvd.  I put on my headphones and tried to relax.  My headphones have a little battery powered thingy that you turn on and it drowns out external sounds.  thanks to this, I had no idea what was going on outside my little world.  This led to surprise when the driver pulled over on the outskirts of town.  I took my headphones out and asked around what was going on.  Turns out there was a belligerent drunken lady on board who was going off and just would not shut up. I had heard none of it - none of her ramblings or the other passengers telling her to shut her mouth.  We had to wait about fifteen minutes til the cops came and got her.

So, finally I arrived in London and my mate Bren picked me up.  By that stage I had already caught some kind of cold on the bus and was destined to be horribly sick for the rest of the week.  So, it was filled with moaning, groaning, coughing, sneezing, nose blowing, resting, a shopping trip and a tattoo.  On the Friday night, Bren's mate Carla drove in from Michigan and they took me to dinner at an ace restaurant in town.  We drank some red wine.  We ate some ridiculously good food.  We drank some more wine.  The restaurant closed.  We went home.  We drank some more wine.  Then, evidently we slipped into Ukraine mode:



I woke up the next day horribly hungover again and pottered around packing my luggage.  We made the executive decision to spend that last night in Toronto, as my flight the next morning was really early.  Bren got us a wicked room in a swanky hotel and we hit the town.  We spent the night in an Irish bar, cracking ourselves up at how funny and witty we were as we picked everyone around us to pieces according to dress, creepiness and drunkness.  This is us on the town:



When we arrived back at the hotel, the lobby was filled with people.  the bar had just closed but there were still loads milling around.  I noticed people wearing hats that read 'Tap out' and realised that we were at the hotel where some UFC dudes were staying.  Cauliflower ears abounded, intermingled with miniature clothing hanging on emaciated women, glowing orange with fake tans and too-white teeth jumping from their smiling mouths.  We did a little more people watching - my sad favourite was a little drunk guy stumbling around with a look of hopefulness on his face each time someone came through the automatic doors.  He clutched at his hat covered in signatures and a black sharpie.

We eventually went to bed and got two hours sleep before we had to get up and leave for the airport.  My first flight is a blur, and when I landed in LA I made a beeline for a hotel, ate bad food, slept in a room with a bunch of arguing Russians next door, showered and hopped back on a plane to Australia.
With amazing forethought I packed two temazepam and (after somehow lucking out and getting a row to MYSELF) took them, drank five or so bourbons (and spilled one directly into my lap) and passed out.  My favourite flight ever.

So, I came home.  I walked up the ramp in Adelaide to my beautiful girlfriend waiting for me.  We were inseparable for days on end after that and she had to take care of me cos I had a sinus infection.  I made myself NOT skate so that I could get better.  As a result, here I sit, on New year's eve, writing my last blog of the year and I still haven't skated on my new Torches.
So.  That's the story of the trip.  Sorry about the length!  I hereby solemnly vow that 2012 will see me writing more posts!
Hope everyone has a great night and a wicked year!

Tx
Oh.  And P.S. an embarassing thing happened whie I was at the world cup.  I bought  new lip balm, one of the ones Mercedes has so it would remind me of her...
*In the lift with Kazee applying the lip balm*
Kazee: 'you know you have lip balm all around your mouth, right?'
'yeah, I like to apply it real well.'
'Did you know it's red?'
'WHAT?!?' *spins around to see in the mirror* 'AARGH!  I didn't know it had colour!  I've been wearing it like this for days!!' *frantically wipes it off*
I looked like an old woman who can't apply her lippy anymore!  All I needed was to have it on my teeth!  So, I got back to my room and told King that little story.  Her reply:
'Oh yeah.  I saw that the other day but didn't say anything.'
o_O