Kia Ora and other stuff...

Wow. What a weekend.

Ok, so I'll be honest. I've never been to NZ before, and I am actually pretty ignorant about that country in general. I guess I have always just been so hooked up on destinations further away, that I never bothered to look close to home. I thought it would be just like here. Wrong.

I was initially worried about getting there with all the airport bullshit going on. I really hate to follow the news, so I'm not gunna pretend I know loads about it. I'm just gunna shoot my mouth off instead. People so worried about money that they will use the power they have to fuck with people's lives... It's dumb. Rant over, cos it actually didn't affect me and I got there fine. Owing to the fact that I am essentially a fool (please say in a QLD accent) I didn't even print out the itinerary for the trip and when I arrived at Auckland realised that I had little to no idea who was coming next, and when. I was not too fazed, as I was hungry, so I went to Maccas to get a couple of meat patties, cos they are gluten free.

'Hi, can I please have two cheeseburger meat patties, just the patties, and a medium chips?'
'So, you want just the bun, cheese and meat?'
'Umm, no... No bun, no cheese (cos that would be just a CHEESBURGER), just the meat.'
'...just the meat...'
'just the meat.'
She turns around and tells the chick making the food, who then shouts 'ARE YOU SERIOUS?'
Yes. I am serious, as serious as having IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME SO JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING PATTIES! Please.
Anyhow, they were actually really tasty so I was sufficiently placated.

So, I sat around for an hour or so before I spotted Juju and her beau, then I felt a little better, as they had the details I didn't. Long story short, we got to the accomodation and headed out to dinner. We ate in a place that was made of an old stable. It was super cool, full of hipster charm and I ate veggies (cos, only negative thing to report, hardly anyone knew about gluten free stuff and I rarely noticed an option on a menu), but they were delushus (see what I did there?).

From there we went for a walk and that's when I first noticed how beautiful the city is. In the main st (Queen st?) there is a ridonkulously huge New Zealand flag hanging over the street. I think Kiwis are super patriotic which is a really cool vibe and also they seem to embrace their Maori heritage way more than Australia does (with Aboriginals, we don't have lots of Maoris).

I went to a supermarket with Bessy, Coco and Holga. Again I was surprised at the things in the country I was so sure would be no different from my own - they call shopping trolleys 'trundlers'. Trundlers. Like a robot. Knocked up another notch in my book. Bananas were LES THAN THREE DOLLARS A KILO. Another notch. They sell pork rind that freely advertises that only people with strong teeth should attempt to ingest them. Notch. Average gluten free section but I was still on a trundler high so I didn't mind.

Dinner, bed, sleep in. Some peeps were going to a market so I tagged along. Turns out the 'market' was a strip approximately 20m long of about three stalls, but I did find a sweet shirt there, so still a win. It was only $10, which is like $8 AU so, yeah, win. This shirt is for our upcoming gig, it is part of my costume changes, so you don't get to see it yet.

On the way to the markets, we passed a poster advertising our bout. We then stopped for photos, attracting the attention of several drunk men loitering outside a 24hr bar. At 11 in the morning. They then posed with us, which was cool. That poster was popular for the rest of the trip.

I then bought a new robut - behold, SpeedyTrundleTron:

He goes FAST. I took him to the bout as a calming influence. We consulted him several times when we got a little ratty.
Oh yeah, the bout.

So, the venue was pretty cool. It only had stands on one side of the track, but they had the same setup we do, with the announcer stage behind the penalty box, which is between the team benches. I like it like that. They also swapped benches half time, which I've never done in derby before, and I like that too, it's more fair I think.

The only things Ididn't like were the sticky floor and the raised track, it ripped up a but too easily, but that could have been because the people who laid it had no idea how that tape would work with that surface. Both things out of anyone's control, so meh.

We had a pretty dynamic warm up, I drew our agility ladder on the floor and the team got right into it - it's cool cos it gives everyone the freedom to warm up how they like. I then took the customary ten minutes to get my bloody tight skins on, grunting like Octomum bearing down for her litter the whole time.

We had a 45 min on track warm up, which went pretty well considering we were all sticking to the floor like snot to a finger. We knew the Pirate City Rollers were big hitters - we had been preparing for weeks, and then we cemented it by training as hard as we could. I felt my neck crack once.

Onto the bout. Sweet tune for the skate out thanks to Coco and the crowd (who were really cool actually - way nicer than some of the ruffians at the Newy bout, but to be fair I think they were from Sydney lol) clapped along, they were ace.

Play began and, well, let me just say that we were right about how hard they were gunna hit us. I haven't been hit that hard since TGSS, against SSRG. My first jam, in which I blocked, I came up against Skate The Muss, who LAID. ME. OUT. lemme just say something about Skate The Muss. I watched her play in TGSS and can remember thinking 'hard core. I wanna be just like her.' so, I was actually super pumped to skate against her and (like the weirdy I am) was stoked when she belted me. The fact that I didn't die bolstered me and I was motivated to skate harder.

PCR have some wickedly talented ladies playing for them - Muss, Terror Satana, Pieces of Hate, Pentakill, Perky Nah Nah, Fia Fasi Oe, Big Mack, TinkerBash to name a few. Heaps of the team also play for team NZ.

So, like I said, they came at us like a bull from a gate, and I think we definitely got a little rattled. We started to play ratty and get some time in the box. I'm not sure what changed it (possibly SpeedyTrundleTron) but somehow we pulled our heads in after maybe 5-10 mins and started to calm down, play the strategies we had practiced and things started to fall into place. We were able to get some high points jams, owing to some great bunnying and our super fit jammers, so we finished the half leading by 58, at 106 - 48.

At some point in that first half Pentakill was ejected, I think for an 'egregious low block', but I could be wrong.

Quick pee (and subsequent struggle with my skins again), and we were back on, but with a terrible start. If I recall correctly, we had two blockers in the box, our jammer in the box and one of the other blockers waiting for a seat there. This was a recurring theme for us in the second half, which could have almost led to our downfall, as PCR began to capitalise on this and claw their way back up the board, closing the gap. I gotta be honest, we really did struggle with penalties that second half, and it sucked, but we managed to hold onto and then boost our lead back to 59, to win the game with a score of 185-126.

I know this isn't a very descriptive account of the bout, but I just plain can't remember details. It's normal for me, and a curse. For an actual rundown of the bout, along with some hilarious banter from Those watching, go here.

Bus back to the accommodation for a quick deodorant application, then off to the after party. We needed to get dinner first. Quick pause for a phot shoot with the poster:

Though I was about to violate my insides with liquor, I didn't want to eat stuff that would make me sick, and since nobody there seems to know about gluten and all that jazz, I ate a packet of chips for dinner. This, coupled with the fact that I drank two bourbons, five Smirnoff blacks and several ciders led to me being somewhat drunk, somewhat quickly, and by 'somewhat', I mean 'very', and by 'very', I mean 'mammoth-daddywalrus-stoooopid drunk, almost instantly'.

At the bar, there was a WICKED band playing, Masters of Metal I think they were called. The front man was wearing a pink, one piece jumpsuit with a cut-out heart at the chest, exposing all his man pelt.

We danced. We moshed. He crowd surfed. Then SparKill (talented player for PCR having a year off) got up and played the keys to Final Countdown and we went crazy. See for yourself:

The only thing that could rival the coolness of the band was Kit Car's air guitar. She uses the air effects pedal even.

Note: all this time I am still wearing the painted-on skins, making toilet breaks not only wobbly but an arduous workout. I did meet some wicked awesome chicks there though, which took much of the focus from the pants struggle. If there was ever a time I truly wished for an adult diaper, it was then.

So, great after party, but the absolute highlight was that I scored myself a new derby wife. Let me begin by saying that this does not mean I love my other wives any less, they are just both far away from me. So. For the longest time I have been in awe of this player. Two years to be exact, since I started playing. She is just so derby cool. She has the focus of a robet, the stealth of a puma and the stone cold gaze of a King Cobra. Nothing ever seems to faze her and she is lethal on the track, making brilliant plays, swift decisions and dishing out big hits. She also jams fantastically too. She is a great all rounder, just like what I'm striving to be, and I've also grown really attached to playing with her. I would never have had the guts to propose though, so I was ecstatic when she did! My new derby wife is Coconut Rough, so from this moment on anyone that fucks with her will get bingo wing pinches from me like never before.

Ok. So the evening was going swimmingly, and we spilled out of the bar and on to better things, namely SparKill's place. Quick pause for a pic with the poster:

I don't think I have ever seen a cooler apartment. The door is on the street, between two places, maybe a cafe and something else. Owing to all the vodka and cider and the lack of foodstuffs, I cannot elaborate at this time, except to say that her windows opened directly out onto the roof above the shops and we spent the majority of the night out there, having meaningful conversations that I can't remember and heckling the passersby. Maybe it was just me that did the heckling. Things I can remember are:

- SparKill has a million pairs of shoes and Kit Car berated her for not looking after them properly,

- Pieces of Hate has a sister who is a really good Rugby player and coach,

- Skato can twist your arm back up painfully behind your back really quickly and make you squeal like a Nancy,

- SparKill has a giant sketching dummy thingy, see pic below,

- and when I am that drunk, I can't even play chopsticks on the piano, and forget about a duet of Heart and Soul.

At some point Hate's sister Jaxs came back and somehow forced me to leave with her and go to a night club. It was closed. I think we may have been trying to get into another when dawn happened and we started to see people that were up and about for a marathon that was on that morning. It was pitiful. We then went to Wendy's for a burger. Insert the same 'burger with no bun please' speech here, complete with the confusion about why on earth any human being would want to eat a burger without the bun. If I wasn't already enough of a douche, I then became that guy with a speech about the toilets. 

'where are your toilets please?'
'upstairs, but they are closed until 7.' (it was about 6 at this point)
'yes... But I need to use them now...'
'uhhh, Ill get my manager...'
*manager saunters over*
'I need to use the toilets please.'
'Theyre closed til 7.'
'yes, but you are required by law to provide them, so show me to them please.'
*stares me down, then shows me to the toilets*
I win.

After this, I ate my bunless burger, complete with the lugies that I'm sure would have been present and made my way home. I actually cannot believe I remembered the way in that state.  This is me on my journey home:

 

And:

I woke up in the morning with my eye stripe still on and in my smelly singlet too. I evidently had the presence of mind to change into my trackies.

Krumbs woke me up and I ventured out with her, Skato and Holga to get food. I thought I was dying. I realised my new hat was gone, and the fretting about that took my mind off the fact that I was dead from alcohol consumption. I found out my hat was at SparKill's place and rejoiced, then felt dizzy from the rejoicing.

Later that night, we went to a place called Burger Fuel. It is a freaking sweet burger joint that offers gluten free burgers!! I actually became so excited about the impending burger that I forgot to order it gluten free. Luckily I remembered just in the nick of time and they changed my order. We all ate in the square as the sun was setting and watched people doing all different stuff. There were some girls doing the Haka, some guys using freeline skates and a funny little security guard wearing a day-glo vest meant for a bigger man, who alternated between carrying a skateboard and riding it with the stance of a startled rabbit.

On our way back, Skato and I came across this little guy:

He is a butterfly without wings. We named him La Mouche (here Skato is giving him a shush-a-go), and had hours of fun with him, while we all sat around nursing our heads and reminiscing about our antics the previous night.  Allegedly, I was perched on a roof hurling advice at passers-by, and here is evidence to prove it:

I also learned that I gouged Skato's neck hole whilst trying to bring her down in a pressure point war.

A little sleep in, a little flight and I was home, miraculously unaffected by the airline strikes. A very successful weekend by all accounts - not just the bout, but all the new mates I made and the fact that I fell in love with ann amazing country and WILL be back.

My favourite comment from the weekend was when Hitty came into my room, looked at my puffers and said 'you know, natural selection dictates that you should probably be dead.' lol I love my team!

Just before I leave, on another note - I have been fundraising for my upcoming trip to Toronto for the Roller Derby World Cup. I made myself a Pozible project, which is basically a community funded sorta thing. I have received an overwhelming response, with friends, family and even people I don't know pledging to help me get there, it's amazing. So, I just wanna give a shout out to the following people for helping me to get there and represent not only Australia but Adelaide too:

Rhiannon Burner, Wayne Hall, Kathy Lee, Melanie Hocking, Lana Vickridge-Smith, Kylie Cardell, Melanie Jones, Susan Hall, Leisa Gosling, Shannon Hall, Sarah Mooney, Tim Talbot, Cat Lynch, Courtney Ball, James Hopkins, Suzy Pow, Olivia O'Poconower, Luke Boyle, Pistola Balboa, Samantha Burgess, Christina Gonzales and the lovely Lula Belle.

In addition to this, the Little Adelaide Rollers have jumped on board from day dot and done SO MUCH for me, they are just amazing. If you live in Adelaide and have a kid aged 8 to 17 who wants to play roller derby, get onto LAR, they're on facebook and here.

If you live in Adelaide and want to help out combined with a good time, come to our fundraising gig, facebook invite here. I sing in 50 Cycle Hum and will be having some interesting costume changes on the night, in fact I have decided that if my Pozible reaches $1000, I will do one of our sets in a lycra onesy.

Alright, that is about it! Thanks for watching and stay cool San Diego.

Tx

Only my own track pants, if you please.

Yes, it has been too long, but I'm trying to write an honours thesis, so cut me a little slack!
So now, here I sit, uncomfortably typing with my beloved iPad way too close to my face because, once again, I am too much of a sucker to tell the dog to get off my lap. She's a 26kg Boxador who thinks she's a 2kg Toy Poodle. But that face...
Anyway, so the last few weeks have been crazy on account of me trying to get stuck into my thesis. It's going ok I think, I'm really enjoying writing the creative part - the exegetical elements loom though, and I am less than enthused. So, on account of the stupidly large break between my last post and this one, I will only focus on two things - Bonnie and Ringer and the bout we just had.
Bonnie D.Stroir is a badass roller derby skater and coach. She founded the San Diego Derby Dolls about 6 or 7 years ago and now travels about as a professional coach for leagues that take advantage of the crazy skills and mad knowledge that she brings. She is also the coach for team USA I'm pretty sure. So, no big deal...
Isabelle Ringer is a formidable blocker and wicked pivot, also skates for San Diego Derby Dolls, on their all star team and stuff... travels around showing derby fanatics how to pivot like a master...
So we enlisted them to come to Radelaide and pass on some sweet sweet skills. This occurred over the Easter weekend and the following week. Now, I think that we have a fantastic and committed training committee in ADRD, but it's always great to learn new things and as a coach myself - I always relished the chance to learn more that I could pass on to my skaters. My first lesson was with Ringer - a pivoting workshop. It was so informative, and presented in steps so appropriate that I didn't freak out as I tend to do when I can't understand stuff, which is most of the time. As someone who has a bit of a funky knee at the mo, I was stoked also that she showed us how to cool down properly at the end of our session.
That afternoon I went to Bonnie's class and the first thing I learnt - she don't take no shit! No talking in class - I was stoked - she placed a lot of importance on respecting the trainer which we really need to do more often. She also had a wicked way of instructing, she would show us stuff, explain it, get us to do it, then get us to write it down, which was my favorite part cos I always forget shit.
The coolest thing about these girls is that they're very grounded. Yes, in the derby world they are famous. Yes, they can smash any of us six ways from Sunday, but they're just chicks like us who've been doing this gig a long time. They are super friendly and approachable and I thoroughly recommend their services.
My favorite thing from the whole week was in our second-last training with them. I hadn't noticed that I'd been starting to take stuff pretty seriously, and was putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform, especially in those sessions. As a result, I was skating like I did about a month after I started derby. I was less than enthused. After a particularly pooish jam, I sat down, incensed. Bonnie asked me what was wrong. I said 'I'm just pissed with myself, and the madder I get, the worse I play.' She replied 'you know what I do when I have a bad jam? I go out and have a better one.' So I did. After that day I had to remind myself why I play derby and that it's dumb to put that much pressure on myself for a game. I'm not a big fan of saying that someone 'changed my life', cos actually nobody has that power - we have to change our lives ourselves, but sometimes people can show other people tools that they can use to make changes they want. I got some things from that week that I won't forget and that I'll use not only in derby but my life. That girl knows some seriously cool stuff. Look Bonnie up on YouTube, she has some wicked instructional videos. Also, you can find her blog here.
Ok, so now onto the bout. We were pitted against the Salty Dolls this past Saturday night. Like I mentioned earlier, I was sick of pressure - that's why I quit hockey, it just wasn't fun anymore. I would be pretty sad if that happened to me with derby. So, I just decided that I wasn't going to feel any pressure or nerves. Sometimes I can be surprisingly masterful like that, other times I get my head stuck in stair railings. Anyway, so I wasn't nervous, honestly. I love this game. This game... I went into it like each of my bouts last year - with the attitude that all I could do is play my best for my team, nobody can ever ask me for more. If we won, good, if we lost, no big deal, I would have still had a great fun time with my mates. It was so awesome to just have fun and not stress.
The Salties were looking great from the start. The coolest thing - their skate out. The uncoolest thing - I thought of it a month ago but my team didn't go for it! Poo. Anyway, they looked so freaky and cool, all in matching doll masks, so deliciously creepy!
We always knew it was going to be a battle and it sure was. The Salties have lightning jammers and relentless blockers. Both teams had to nickel and dime like nobody's business and the lead changed several times. For the first time in ages, there was not only one ejection, but two - Blue Wrenegade from the Dolls and our own Violent Krumble. Like usual, I can't remember bugger all, it all happens so fast. One thing I can remember is my first jam as jammer - I got lead and as I burst from the track I was feeling so passionate I let out some kind of roar, or something... To all the people sitting between corner 3 and 4 I apologise if I freaked you out.
Anyway, we went into the second half trailing by six, I think. Again, a tough slog, penalties galore and all of a sudden we were trailing by almost twenty. It seemed pretty cut and dried, then Kit Cat went out to jam and narrowed it to 11, the Salties jammer was sent off. A glimmer of hope flared, but then next jam we lost our jammer to the box and it was all over - 99-83.
So, we didn't win, but I did skate my hardest and I did have fun, so I was happy and then I partied accordingly...
Like usual, we went to the Wheaty for some drinks first. I was on the house white, cos I can't drink beer or cider anymore on account of my most irritable bowel. I copped shit for drinking it with my pinky up (which I was oblivious to) from some super cool derby chicks I met from Broken Hill - they'd driven FIVE hours to watch our bout.
Then, I entered a 'whose ass is harder' competition with Em Shazzam from Murder City. I'm pretty sure I won, well at least that's how how I remember it.
There was also some questionable dancing going on, and for a change it wasn't me. Why do old people dance with mostly their arms? Flailing is not dancing.
From there we went to the Squatters Arms, where there was a band playing. I held her drinks as Guns, the smallest player in our league smashed it up in the mosh pit. She launched herself off stacks into the crowd! She is a funny bastard.
From there, things get hazy. I was just very inebriated. We went to LaSing, which was packed. I think I sang, badly as usual. Then allegedly Caddy and I were talking about something and I burst out with laughter, launching (in her words) a half-masticated potato wedge onto her bare forearm. She says she was literally rofling. I cannot remember the drive home (in a taxi naturally), or getting home, but the next morning I awoke feeling like I had been ten rounds with that chick that takes the beaver tranquilisers in Dodge Ball, and I wasn't wearing any pants. I asked Kat about that last part as I scanned the floor strewn with my discarded sweater, boutfit and skins. She told me that she offered me her trackies, but I shouted at her 'NO!! I HATE YOUR TRACK PANTS!!' so she left me be. As she told me this, i started to laugh, and she said 'you were so bitch last night' lol
Well, that's about it. Mondays are for shopping, cleaning and blog writing, so I can tick that off my list and go cook a steak and shove it in my face.
Skate more, stress less!

Capsicum spray and barf – not related

Well. That was 2010. Before I get into the festivities of Dec 31^st, I would like to recall the important milestones of last year, and I mean important to me, cos I'm that narcissistic and it's my blog.
January: I started training as an official member of ADRD,
February: I retired as a hockey player after five years of winning the national championship playing for Adelaide (largely not my direct influence but I was there nonetheless),
March: Celebrated Michi's birthday with dinner and a Ross Noble show and became a Road Train Roller (:D),
April: Brought home the world's sassiest dog for Kat's birthday,
May: Played in my first bout against the Wild Hearses. We lost, but it was the most awesome thing I'd experienced to date,
June: Played for Adelaide in The Great Southern Slam – a huge honour and a fantastic time. Rolled both my ankles dancing at the afterparty,
July: Beat the Salty Dolls to give us a position in the grand final and another shot at the Hearses,
August: Turned 33 and sung with the band at my joint birthday party and also had a snowboarding adventure for the first time in over 5 years,
September: Played in the grand final and ended the Hearses' winning streak with an underdog victory using our team strategy of 'no superstars, superteam',
October: Took in a nice holiday in Bateman's Bay with Snowy for her birthday,
November: Went to Noosa for a lovely family Christmas and vowed to devote all my earthly efforts to bringing down tiger airways after being screwed by them one time too many,
December: can't remember. Sleeping I think.
So, after a busy year, it seemed prudent that I celebrate its end by getting completely sloshed on my front porch like a yob.
Sensibly, I bought a 700ml bottle of rum for myself. As I was purchasing it, I had a thought – 'I remember once I drank a whole bottle of this and was very sick' but my greatest talent is ignoring commonsense, so I tuned that voice out and bought my Bundy. We had invited a few people over to our place for some quiet drinks and figured the best place to chill was the front porch. We moved one of the lounges out there (classy), the coffee table, a couple of chairs, candles, two different types of fairy lights, a cardboard star with a bunch of the fairy lights stuffed inside it and a tiki torch, for the mozzies. I scrubbed the weird algae out of the dog's drinking container thing to use as an esky and bought a whole pizza to myself, to eat half before I started drinking, and half later when I had the munchies. I had it all planned.
First, Rebelicious arrived. Then Caddy and Slams. Then Stoj dropped by with her hubby and gorgeous daughter. Then Michi and the J-man arrived with their mate Dave and the fun began. We were sitting, chatting, laughing but all of a sudden there was shouting and four men came running into the street. Three of them were chasing a really big dude and shouting at him 'GET ON THE GROUND!! GET ON THE GROUND!!' He dove into the driveway right across the street from us and the three men (cops in a summer kind of uniform) surrounded him, still shouting. The dude struggled to get up, and there was a hissing noise that I instantly recognised as capsicum spray. This really woke me up as I've been sprayed with it before. All of us were on our feet, eyes glued to the scene. The cop gave him a decent spray, but I guess he was still struggling and needed further subduing, because the one standing by his legs promptly butt punched him, twice. I couldn't believe what I'd seen. A butt punch? I asked everyone else 'did you see that?!!' and they all agreed, it was definitely a good, sharp, double tap on the butt. Who does this? Do they teach that in cop school? They pulled him to his feet and steered him towards the paddy van. He was definitely showing signs of being in pain on account of the spray – moaning and scrunching his eyes shut, kind of like a zombie. I said 'oh. He's in so much pain. That stuff sucks,' to which Michi replied 'they should put some milk in his eyes.'
...milk? She says 'well, that's what we use when we're tinting people's eyelashes and we get the tint in their eyes...' hahahahahaha I was doubtful but I suppose it could work.
We then got into a detailed discussion about milk as a remedy, and different types of punches – the times I used to give Michi kidney punches as a kid and the guy I knew who punched his pet fish cos it bit him ( I even saw the bit of grazed skin on the fish's face). I told them I would write about it in my blog and Michi said 'your blog is going to be all about me, milk and butt punches.' hehehe
After that fiasco was over, we got back to drinking and stuff. Electric Feel came on my ipod, and Michi told me that it was actually called 'Electric eel'.
So the night got a bit hazy after that, as I started to really put the rum away. Kat made me change to a plastic cup but that just made me put more rum in it, cos it was bigger. Earlier in the night I had spotted a friend of mine as she was on her way to a party three doors down from us. She is from Texas and is one of those people that somehow stir in me a need to be competitive and I think I may have challenged her to some sort of skating related duel. It turns out that the party was at the house of our video store guy, who is the coolest cat on our street. We've only ever called him 'video store guy' though and felt bad that we didn't know his name. We started to speculate about his name. I suggested that it might be Mintchinsincey, 'Minty' for short. Turns out it's Matt, so I was pretty close. Matt and Texas came over for some drinks. Then, in the blink of an eye I was in Matt's back yard, chatting with a Scottish guy who actually spoke very softly. I was way gone by then, I'm pretty sure I was annoying them and then I got trapped in their back yard trying to get out.
Fugue for a lil bit and then Kat found me sitting on the back step. She tried to make me go to bed. I was feeling ill so I made her get the bucket. Then I vomited in it. A lot. Then I tried to lie down but had to vomit again. Joy. Owing to my soused state, I forgot to have a berocca, forgot to have my liver tonic hangover remedy, forgot to drink or eat anything and just passed out.
The first thing I can remember after waking up is Kat asking me how I felt. My reply: 'like a zombie. That's been stabbed.' Oh, boy was I sick. I felt just horrible. I said to Kat 'I'm sorry.' She replied 'that's ok, I know you'd do the same for me.' I said 'I know but I never get to cos I'm too busy being me.' Poor Sunny had a stain on her head where I spilled Rum and coke on her. I went to wash my hands, but the soap dispenser was gone. I was so confused about where it had gone. Kat later found it in the sink.
Later in the night I found some texts I had sent that morning but didn't remember doing. This was to BK, who didn't come over the night before cos she's a big loser:
Me: I'm dying
Me: I'm wearing the purple shirt you gave me
BK: I just went to KFC bra less. New slutty levels reached.
Me: I fucking love you hard core that's hilarious
Me: I never go sans bra
Me: well sometimes
BK: Where is Kat?
Me: right here.
Me: watching Zoolander with me
BK: Look after her :)
Me: She is fine. I love her tits off
And this to Caddy:
Me: I'm ill
Me: I vomited
Me: twice
Caddy: ew. Why u sick? Hungover?
Me: yes almost a whole bottle of rum.
Caddy: ooooohhhhh not a smart move lol. Poor Robi :(
Me: yes. I really did not plan that correctly.
Later in the chain –
Me: please bring me KFC. ...Kidding lol ...Toasted twister ...Haha jokes ...But seriously extra seasoning on the chips pls

So, by all accounts I think that the night was a success. I can honestly say that I had heaps of fun, no drama, didn't have the stress of trying to get a cab places and I could easily fall into my own bed after a good vom and disrobing with the door open.
I believe in curses. I invented the anti-curse. It works like this: everyone who reads this will have a cool 2011. You have been anti-cursed. You're welcome.
Until the next adventure,
Stay hydrated,
Tx

And we did get slammed...

Oh, boy. What a weekend. Where the hell do I start? Ok, for anyone reading this who is not a derby girl in Aus or NZ for that matter I'll provide a bit of background. The Great Southern Slam was a roller derby tournament held this past weekend in Adelaide. Our league, ADRD hosted it at the Wayville showgrounds. The main sponsor for the event was Hills Industries, so there were clotheslines everywhere with cool derby stuff hanging from them. The reason this was such a big deal is that it was the first time anything like this has happened in the SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE. America has been having inter-league tournaments for some time, and in Aus, places like Brisbane with more than one league can do it too, but never has there been a competition for every league in Aus to come to, and NZ as well. Needless to say, we were all very excited. Not just for the tournament, but for the coming together of so many awesome people. You have to understand, when I say that we hosted this tournament, it was a massive thing. Nobody gets paid, every single person that had a hand in organising the event did it for the love of the soprt. I'm not kidding, this juggernaut that is Roller Derby is crazy, just crazy.

So, there were fifteen representative teams, all vying for the ultimate title, the first ever Great Southern Slam champions. In addition to this, there were 'challenge bouts', for absolutely anyone who had passed their official skills tests. People got teams together for these fun bouts that were happening all weekend on any of the four tracks.

I had been selected to play for Adelaide, the 'Adeladies'. Despite the fact that I have been playing some sort of representative sport since I was 17, being selected as an Adelady was the biggest honour in my life to date. There were three of us that are 'freshies' (rookie in any other sport) who played - Radical Edward, Moe Skeeto and myself (my derby name is Tricksey Belt'em). All of a sudden I was playing with some of the best girls in our league, people I have revered since I started following derby in 2008. Barrelhouse Bessy, Vaderella, Violent Krumble, Melvin Star, Hell Grazer, Rolla Junky... if I keep going I'll just be naming the whole team.

Ok, so now we have the background info, I'll move on to the tournament. Friday afternoon/evening was a meet and greet session, and the first major thing that happened to me was that I met Bloody Mary, one of my all-time derby heroes. She is an original Texas Rollergirl and president of WFTDA, the Women's Flat Track Derby Association. She played for the Texecutioners in the first ever American Dust Devil Championship, which they won. Her profile pic in the book I read about the birth of flat track derby features her giving the finger to someone. Opponent, crowd, who cares, that spells cool in my book. Anyway, naturally I lost all my coolness in a blushing school girl meeting John Stamos kinda way and probably came off looking like a moron. Then, I met Punani Tsunami from Vic. My immediate impression of her was that she was a champion and any of the ADRD girls who know her backed that up. Later, when I watched her play, I saw that not only was she a cool chick, but a mad blocker. Later, I met Penergy, who was representing Townsville but lives in my hometown, Noosa. This fired up little rocket of awesomeness is the coolest thing on eight wheels. She was playing for five teams or something crazy like that... take my hat off to her.

So, Saturday. Our first game was at 10am. Our coach, the illustrious Guy Incognito had split our squad of twenty into two teams, team Sparklepuff and team Unicorn for these two games. S.Puff had the first game, with four girls from Unicorn to make up the allowable roster of 14 skaters. I was one of those four girls, so I warmed up with the team but expected no track time, as I am primarly a jammer and S.Puff had Bessy, the best jammer in ADRD, who is stupid fit and can go and go and go. Turns out I did have a few jams, but I can't remember anything about them lol... We beat Canberra by a fair margin, but not without a good fight by them - Cassatrophic (who is actually an old hockey mate of mine) was superb. Fast, agile and fearless she was definitely their star jammer I reckon. Unicorn's game that afternoon was against Van Diemen Rollers, from Tassie, a great bunch of girls. They're only pretty new, so we did beat them convincingly, but such is the name of the game I guess. I jammed a fair bit and blocked too, and in my last jam I took two massive stacks, like the ones where you hear the crowd gasp... it was cool! My sister thought I faceplanted the ground but I must've just avoided it. In one jam I was up the front of the pack, making a wall with Hell Grazer. Their jammer kept trying to split us, and each time she was coming Grazer would say 'here she comes again Tricks' and I'd hit her. I kinda felt bad after, I think I was under Grazer's evil spell, yep, defs blaming it on her. At one point we laid a nice sandwich block on a girl and as we were still playing, I said to Grazer 'nice sandwich!' haha she agreed and we kept going... I really do just never shut up lol... I also was able to catch up with my personal make-up artist for this bout and she painted my black eye strip like I like. My fan was about all day, wearing her eye stripe and a top hat like me! She is the coolest kid ever. We took this pic Sunday but I didn't have my stripe on:(

So, after that bout, I was walking about and I went past Bloody Mary hanging out with Ivanna S. Pankin I think it was (another wicked derby girl from the U.S.) and I said hi. *blush madly* She said hi back and told me that she's seen me jam and that she thought I jammed good!!!!

*faint*

I can die happy. I don't recall what I said to that, it probably came out as word vomit anyway.

Since we won our first two bouts, we had the next round to play against Geelong/Ballarat that night. I was given a rest for that one, so I cheered my guts out. G/B are called 'The Maulrats', which I thought was particularly clever. Also their colours are purple and green, which made me very happy and I kept staring at them. This in combination with the fact that the lower part of their uniforms were tiny shorts made Kat think I was perving on them and I got a swift eye-bashing from her.

So, our girls beat them but it was a wicked game to watch, they were great and had some really talented skaters...

Sunday. Our first game was against SSRG from Brisbane, which is where our winning streak ended. These girls are amazing, from top to toe. First, they brought their own 'Beer Squad' cheerers. Way cool. Second, the Beer Squad has songs and actions for INDIVIDUAL PLAYERS! When Chop chop (my fave jammer from SSRG) lines up, they all yell 'Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop!' whilst making chopping motions with their arms! Their skills are wicked. They made walls that were impenetrable. In my meagre experience I have not come against someone I can't get around eventually except for Bessy and Smarty Pants. Here was a whole team like that! I tried my little heart out but didn't get lead once and got bugger all points. Blocking was a real challenge for me too. In my first jam as jammer, I broke free of the pack and a blocker chased me (they were great at that) and slammed me harder than I've ever been slammed before. I don't consider myself really easy to knock down, cos I do put up the best fight that I can, and she went down too. That girl, whoever you are, you left me with my best derby bruise yet. I can't sit on both cheeks simultaneously. Kudos.

So, after that game, all that was left for us was to play the NZ girls for third place. Now, these girls are incredibly nice. They are also terrifying. Their name is Pirate City for a start. Then, there are a few of them who painted their faces like warriors. That stuff is not to be mocked, I wasn't even playing that game and I was shitting myself. My fave player for them is Skate the Muss. She is a wicked and committed jammer with a very clever and culturally sound derby name. They put up a great fight and we only beat them by a very small margin, like less than ten I think. So, we got third, which I was happy with. Third outta fifteen isn't bad I reckon.

Then, we all settled in to watch the grand final between Vic and SSRG. The two teams were so evenly matched, it was a real nail biter. Vic has Kitty Decapitate, who has played all around the world and is rumoured to be in the top ten players in the world. SSRG blockers did a mad job of dealing with her. Vic won the game by two points, it was a wicked game to watch.

This post is getting long. Deal with it.

So. Afterparty. For anyone that doesn't live in Adelaide, hq (intentional lower caps) is a certain kind of club. U either love it or hate it. I fall into the latter category. U couldn't pay me to go there, I loathe it. However, They were kind enough to give up a venue to use so, thanks. I guess.

Moving on. I wore my toothpaste shoes (my new green and white addidas) which I had thought were stable, sensible shoes. More on that in a bit. First, we met up with Lady Cadaver, who is on our local team, the Road Train Rollers. I love Caddy like a sister, she makes me laugh constantly. Caddy, Kat and I had three shots each, even after I told myself I would drink responsibly. I walked out to the dancing area after the shots with two bourbons, both for me. Great start, Robyn. So, we started dancing. I did my world famous (and by 'world' I mean my own personal, very small world, not the actual world) karate dancing and began jumping about like a rogue electrical cable that has been cut and allowed to flip and arc wildly everywhere. I was having the time of my left with my fave people: GoGo Fiasco, Violent Krumble, KitCat Krunch, Mad Dog Mims... Now, I will write a list of things that happened, I may get the order wrong:

- I rolled my right ankle. So much for my 'sensible' shoes. I got inwardly upset and decided not to tell anyone cos I was having such fun dancing.

- I drank more alcohol to numb the pain of my ankle.

- I kept on dancing and fell over, people had to help me up.

- Caddy poked me in the stomach and I will now quote from her fb post about it:

'The punching may have been my fault. I think I poked you in the guts and went holy crap, check out your abs! Then I punched you a coupla times, then you punched me a coupla times. Then we went to the bathroom and forced SSRG and Vic girls to punch you in the abs. Then everyone was punching everyone. it was beautiful.'

I can remember asking, asking people to punch me in the stomach. I can remember people aiminig too low. I think my ovaries are tenderised. I have never, and I mean that, never felt pain like this. Moving on:

- after the stomach punching I rolled my left ankle. Kept dancing.

- After that I rolled my right ankle again. Kept dancing.

- By this time Bloody Mary had arrived and in spite of all the things I wanted to say to her, I just piointed at her like a creepy stalker as I was dancing. Classy.

- then the outside bit (that was supposed to be for us and there were still heaps left) was closed. This is why I hate hq. I complained about what c&*ts the bouncers were and then Caddy pointed out there was one right behind us. He did not look happy. Thanksfully he didn't punch me in my face. I know they have a penchant for that, bouncers.

- when we were inside, we started to dance. Someone suggested that I go on the stage. I thought it sounded like a great idea and went to the little stairs. Too much derby and alcohol meant that as I got there and there was a guy in the way, instead of asking him to let me by, I just shoved him aside like he was a curtain. The bouncer standing right beside him grabbed me and turned me around, down the stairs again, no go for stage dancing.

- Then Grazer suggested that we dance like we were in a mosh pit. Because I think she's awesome, I agreed. Probably not the best idea, cos we were in hq, not at a concert, and the boys in their salmon shirts with their gin and tonics on the dance floor didn't appreciate our exuberance. One of them shoved Grazer. I started to argue with him and quick as a flash, the bouncer took him away. Right before he left, he threw his drink on Kat's head. hq. Quality.

So. Monday morning I wake up with two swollen ankles, a big swollen and bruised lump on my thigh from the SSRG game, massively tender stomach from all the punching and only $3.75. The moral of this whole massive story is that derby is more awesome than anything else in the world, period. Do it, in some capacity. Be a rollergirl, a ref, a Beer Squad, whatever, you'll discover a whole new family and it'll change your life.

Off to ice my ankles,

Tx {:-D

P.S. just wanted to add something that happened today - an exchange between Kat and I when I mentioned the place in Semaphore that fucked up her order last night and gave her a chicken Kwai Teow instead of a vego one:

Me: 'yeah, that Red Ass is better at Indian than Thai I reckon, my food was nice but they screwed yours up...'

Kat: ' I wanna make those fuckers go out of business. That meat wasn't chicken, either. It was rubbery. I'm pretty sure it was horse dick.'

?
Tx

P.P.S. here is a pic of us unicorns about to do our thing. I'm wearing the star.

Seven ways to a better bunny rabbit

Friday, my old friend, how I do love thee.

Well, it's been a hell of a week. I have already written of my derby exploits last Saturday, so let us not revisit that. I can now focus on the joyous news that I'll be skating as an Adelady in The Great Southern Slam. Now, I've been on state teams aplenty for inline hockey and also ice, hell, I even played inline for Australia once. The difference here is that there are a lot of girls that play derby. I rarely went to a state tryout for hockey where anyone was cut! Usually the girls that turn up are the team, that's it. So, this carries with it a lot more weight. The girls who I'm skating with are my heroes, I've got big shoes to fill. I love a challenge though.

Next big thing that happened this week was the beyond tragic news of Two Ton Teyla, a Sydney roller girl who was hit by a bus (and subsequently died) after a post bout celebration, the same night we were revelling also. Now, I never met her, but by all accounts she was a brilliant person, everyone who knew her loved her. The reasons this hit home for me are as follows:

- I hate seeing my friends sad, it makes me feel sick when I can't help.

- I hate senseless death.

- The thought of any of my ADRD sisters in the same position... I can't even describe. This community is amazing within your own league, but it doesn't stop there, it reaches far, and my heart broke for SRDL.

- The fact that this could have easily happened to me, or any of my ADRD mates. We too were drunk and careless that night.

Just before, I was on the website of the Great Southern Slam (TGSS) and I saw posts written by Two Ton. It brought a tear to my eye just knowing how much she'll be missed and how many people must be agonising right now.

Death is something I never really knew until 2008, when my Nana and my Dad died in the same year, and it's weird. You never really get over at it, you just get better at dealing with the emotions, I reckon. I still dream my Dad is alive and wake up with sticky eyes and in a grumpy mood, like that time I dreamt I could skateboard really well and woke up realising I was still shit.

This brings me to my next point - 'god'. I'm a little lost without 'him'. I've come to grips with the fact that religion is balls and that jesus is a made up guy (except for that dude Madonna's banging who is pretty real I think), so what do I do in situations like this? Previously I had prayed for someone's recovery, and if that didn't work, I prayed for 'god' to keem them safe in 'heaven' and give their family strength back down here on 'earth' wait, earth is real, I don't need inverted commas... anyway, what the 'hell' do I do now? I mean, I try real hard to think positive about something, or I hope something happens, but I gotta be honest, it feels half-assed. I know this is just the aftermath of my decision to strip off religion and skinny dip in human free-thinking, but I do feel a little adrift... I'm never going to force my kids to believe in something that I have no proof of. Except the boogeyman, a lot can be achieved through fear...

So this morning, we had a meeting with our real estate to put me on the lease and get the ok for the animals. The guy wasn't even there! No matter, the girl was probably easier to deal with. Found out that cockmuncher (pls refer to older posts for information on this delightful 'man') calls them every time our dogs bark! They pay him no heed as they too think that he is a nutter! That was pretty good news, and I can't wait until I see him in the street next time and I can say 'excuse me? cockmuncher? yeah, you needn't bother calling our real estate anymore, they think you're a nut licking, goat fucking cheese dick like I do, m'kay? B'bye.'

'Tis all,

Tx

P.S. I do apologise for my gratuitous use of inverted commas, I can get a little wild sometimes.

P.P.S. here is a pic of a cat kicking the shit out of a dog.