You Don't Have To Be A Nana To Scrap

Ok. An hour to kill, so never one to waste things, here I am, tapping away at keys. Tap tap taperoo.

So last post, the grand final. Two days after that Kat and I travelled to Canberra to visit my sister, her husband, baby and poodle. I always get very excited about these trips, because as the years have rolled by, my sisters and I have become increasingly close. Now, I'm going to admit something here that I really don't want to, but such is my commitment to having an honest blog. I craft. yes, me. I'll explain: years ago my sisters started crafting. As a girl, Michi used to do quilling, which is where you curl up tiny thin pieces of paper into coils and stick it on shit. Make cards, you know. She was very good at it. I tried: fail. Ugly unfurled scraps hanging off a bit of crookedly cut cardboard. I gave up. Then my older sister Snowy got into stamping. She has like 1000 stamps or maybe hundreds, I really don't know. Again, I tried, again I was less than impressive.

As the years passed, they both got into jewellery making. When we all visited each other, we would take a trip down to the bead store and get supplies. they'd spend ages choosing pretty baubles and the like, I'd grab a handful of plastic beads in the colours of the gay pride flag and a bit of cord.

So, imagine my surprise when I started to take a liking to it. I think it was Kat's influence. I wanted to make her gifts (gagging on the sugary soppiness of this).

Then, this last visit, Snowy called me to ask what I had planned for our crafternoons. My inner self detached and watched, mouth agape as the prissy little crafter holding the phone gushed about scrapbooking a page with a photo of her beautiful nephew.

So, there you have it. I craft. I'm actually not too bad at it. I really didn't want it to get out, fearing it's bad for my rep, but then I remembered I'm a nerdy writer wannabe and I loosened up about it.

So there was that. There was also our plans to travel to Batemans Bay and spend a few nights there. It's east of Canberra and very pretty. We had the holiday unit all to ourselves and it was suh-weet. Went for a walk on the beach the first day and watched Shmoo (the poodle) tell everyone to get off her beach. Side note: yes, my sister is aware that 'shmoo' means something else, but she doesn't care.

So there we were, crafting in our little beach place. Unfortunately Kat fell ill so she just rested. Snowy and I got hard core. In the end, I made this:

That's me, Kat, my nephew and Shmoo in there. Look, I'm not saying it's genius, but for a non-crafter? Pretty proud of myself.

After being there one night, Snowy's husband Dean arrived. He's a good egg and is usually the one raising an eyebrow at me or Kat when we say something dumb without thinking. The tables turned:

D: 'So Kat, what've you been up to?'

K: 'Nothing much, derby and I've also gotten into Bikram yoga.'

D: 'What's that?'

K: 'It's doing yoga in a 40 degree room.'

D: 'What, like the floor's on a slant?'

................blank looks all round followed by a good dose of ROFLing...

On further thought, I don't know what would be harder, the heat or having to balance on that angle.

The saturday night we all played board games. I love them. A lot. We played one called Smart Ass. I guess it's kinda like Sale Of The Century without the blonde chick revealing what face had the money. So, if you answer incorrectly, you can't answer again. This is a great example of what a douche I am. The question was 'Where is mount Kilimanjaro'. I was already out, I guessed China. That's how good at geography I am. It gets worse. I was trying to help my sister get it so I looked at her, put my hands together as if to pray, closed my eyes, nodded my head and hands and said 'ah, mount Kiramunjaro'. Taking my cue, she guessed Japan. She was wrong. It's in Africa! She was like 'but you made me think it was somewhere asian!' Hahaha and my reply was 'well it sounded asian to me'.

So, we had a great time, left the coast on the Monday and spent the last night in Canberra. Monday night we all got into a discussion about In The Night Garden ( http://www.inthenightgarden.co.uk/au/ ). It's a freaky little show to get kids to go to sleep, and it has weird characters like IgglePiggle, MaccaPacca, Upsy Daisy etc. They all prance around and eventually have to go to bed although IgglePiggle is a bit of a bastard about it and always needs encouragement and in my opinion, a smack. I'm pretty sure IgglePiggle and Upsy Daisy are in an interracial relationship, which is nice to see. That's why he carries a blanket around, I think. Anyway, Snowy thought that it was people in costumes, Dean thought it was cgi, and I agreed with Snowy, but I couldn't decide if I thought it was kids in there or midgets. So, I googled it (thank you iphone). Turns out it's adults in the costumes, with really big sets! There is some cgi as well though. The chick that creates it also did TeleTubbies and that seemingly drug-induced BooBah. It was a little difficult to find out who was in each costume, cos they don't really want people to know, but I hit the jackpot when I finally found a pic of IgglePiggle. Behold:

I showed it to a friend of mine who has a love affair with IgglePiggle and she was most upset, as I had ruined her image of him, from cuddly lil blue guy to asian rocker dude (he's in a band). I wanted to find out who's in MaccaPacca, cos he's my fave, but I couldn't. I like him cos he goes around with soap and a sponge and washes people. We could use more of that in our society. He really only washes their faces, but I can see potential for a whole lot more.

So, Tuesday we went home, but not before going to Floriade. it's a tulip festival thingy that Canberra has at the same time each year. It's free. One year they tried to charge admission, but nobody went. I mean it's nice and all, but I'm not gunna pay money to see flowers. I can walk by a florist any day of the week. Nothing eventful really happened, it was just really pretty. See?

Ok, well that's about it for me. Sorry I don't have much news, it's assignment time so I shouldn't really be writing this anyway... but it's so much more fun:)

Keepin it real since yesterday,

Tx

P.S. I apologise for the clumsy layout of this post. This uni computer is on the fritz and won't let me edit it :-/

And history was made...

Ok, well you can say that about anything, I know, but go with me here, I'm about to recount a tale of heroic exploits, sweaty backs, smashed faces and no, I do not mean the football, I'm talking about something much, much MUCH better than that. ROLLER. DERBY. GRAND. FINAL.

Ok, so let's start from the start. Kat and I were organised for once, and actually got to the showgrounds a half hour before we had to. I felt good about it til I realised that it was locked and we couldn't get in. We were at the Rose Tce entrance so we walked around to the Goody Rd one, shut too (ugh). THEN we had to walk all the way round to the farmers market. All this time I was aware that everyone who saw me was like 'what the...' as I was in my boutfit with my hair all teased up, my eye stripe and my top hat on. Kat was in a tiny dress with fishnets so while people were fearful of me, they were perving on her.

We eventually got in and the pandemonium started. I got geared up and had a lil skate on the track we were going to use, as it was different from the usual one. I warmed to it straight away. It was more slick than the usual, but less slick than where we practice each week, it was perfect for me actually, cos I like a little slide, but not too much. Then, we got to our jobs, mine was selling raffle tickets. I'm good at this, cos I can shout loud and have the ability to make people feel bad for holding out - 'C'MON PEOPLE, I KNOW YOU GOT A DOLLAR IN YOUR POCKETS, DON'T MAKE ME SMASH HEADS HERE'. The crowd was already huge, the line snaking several times, and it was only just after 12:30, doors opened at 2:00. I finished my book and went back in to skate some more.

At this time I asked Caddy to tease my hair up for me. 'make it real big' I said. As she was teasing, she was giggling, and she told me that maybe she'd made it too big, maybe I wouldn't like it, so I checked it out in the mirror. If a lion mated violently with Tina Turner and had a dodgy looking kid with a black stripe over her eyes, she would look like me. I gasped, touched it softly and whispered 'it's perfect'. Caddy asked 'why do you want it so big?' I gave her crazy eyes, pointed at my head and said 'to put fear in the hearts of my enemies. Would you fuck with this?'

At some point someone told me there was someone outside with hair like mine and that they must have dressed like me. I laughed, cos that was the first time I'd done that to my hair, so nobody could've known, that must've been their real hairdo. Sweet.

Ok. Fast forward to the skate out. I was a little unsure about it, I'll admit. I'm not really a musical theatre fan, and it was a take off from West Side Story, which I've never seen. Why I liked it in the end, is that Mr W and Candy sang a duet together and it was so camp and fabulous that it sold me. I think the crowd liked it, well there wasn't any booing, so they must've.

So. The first bout, Mile Die Club vs The Salty Dolls. Poor MDC hadn't won a bout all season, so there was a lot riding on it for them. They started strong, but then gradually got a lil razzed and the Salties started to get a grip on the scoreboard. I watched as Champion Ruby planted a canopener straight into Lula Fortune's face and I thought to myself 'oh my, this is gunna be interesting' (yes, I actually so have the phrase 'oh my' in my inner monologue).

The first half went so quickly. It was time for us to warm up, so I didn't see the second, but from the sound of the crowd, it was going off like a frog in a sock. Letta Loose from my team is a mad kickboxer so she brought focus mitts for our off skates warm up. GREAT idea. I got a lil overzealous, which, teamed with the fact that I have no boxing skill almost bowled her over backwards. 'Take it easy psycho', she said, and I felt very complimented! My hair was clearly working.

Karmen Getme set up a good vibes shrine in our changeroom. All of us put something there to boost the good juju, I contributed with the bowtie I wore to the skate out of my first bout ever, which was the first time I ever got lead on Barrelhouse Bessy. That's important, more on that later.

More warming up in the deafening roar of Mile Die fans as they took third place, and we were out on the track. I mean it when I say I wasn't nervous. I'm sick of that shit. I was always nervous when I played hockey, feeling ill because of it, and it's useless, so I scrapped it. These days, I just tell myself that I'm gunna try the hardest I can. Whether we win or lose, I can't give more than my best, and that's what I did.

The bout started tentatively, we got on the board first, but the Hearses followed soon after. They are an amazing team, lots of depth there, and with leaders like Pixie Pincher and Nyx Bellatrix, with Bessy in the mix also, well, let's just say that they're formidable opponents.

Now, I gotta admit, and I apologise, but I can't remember much. One thing I can remember is that my first jam of the game was against Bessy, just like my first jam ever. And, like that first jam, I got lead! It must have been that bowtie on the shrine. I think I jammed lots in the first, I do know that I jammed last before half time, and I thought I was going to pass out. I was so hot. I managed to get my breath back though. At this point we were 13 points down, I think. Back out there, and things got hairy. Both teams were getting penalties, and there was a jammer in the box a lot of the time. People were getting desperate, blocks were flying all over the shop and I think we were all pretty damn tired. It stayed close until I think the last six minutes or so. Then, things got crazy, and time went into fast forward, like a Benny Hill flick without the music. I think from memory, Mad Dog Mims had a great jam, then Kit Cat Krunch, then me, and all of a sudden we were 20 or so points up. Our blocking was amazing. I felt like we'd finally clicked as a team and were truly working as a unit. I didn't let myself dare believe that we had it in the bag, especially as Violent Krumble was in the box and Bessy was up to jam. Bessy is just someone that you can never ever underestimate. She was on fire too, lapping the pack. I think we had blockers in the box as well. She skated amazingly, but then Krumbs was back out, earning points, and we knew we were safe. The clock chimed zero and we were champions.

What a crazy bout. The Hearses were undefeated all season. It was Vaderella's last game as she's retiring, so I was even more super duper happy to give her that send off. Incidentally, it sealed the hat trick year for me. I retired from ice hockey after we won the national championships for the fifth time, my ice hockey team I coach won gold in their division for the first time, and my derby team won the championship. High fives all round.

Now, to the afterparty. I re-teased my hair for the event. The Ed Castle was packed with derby girls and supporters, it was jumping with positive energy. I was flitting around, socialising, dancing, drinking, spilling etc. I lost a dance-off but was gracious in defeat. When the lights came on, we migrated to La Sing in Chinatown, and that's where things got messy. I was standing around, chatting, when I heard a crash. I looked over to the stage and Kit Cat had fallen into a cavity in the wall back there and was struggling to get back up, beer intact. I thought to myself 'oh my, things are getting good'. I've blogged before about the karaoke-goers who are very serious aboutt their 'craft'. Well, there was one there. Incidentally, the tranny with the fripples that I usually d and m with wasn't there. Sad. Anyhow, there was a serious singer up doing a song, can't remember which one. Canon Wonderful grabbed the mic and began singing over the top of him. Who was better I cannot say, but who was funnier, I can. Canon, hands down. I was helping her do highlights. The man became very upset and glared at us. He said 'Do you want to do it then?' Canon replied 'yep' so he left. Then a very angry chinese man came over to sort us out. 'You cannot steal other people song! You don't do it again! Now Behabe! BEHABE!' I nodded and confirmed that I would 'behabe'.

There was a football team in there with us, who kept choosing shitty songs, so I got on the mic and shouted 'You all are pussies and you're choosing pussy songs!' The chinese man glared so I stepped down.

All in all, dedspite the lack of my perpetually hard-nippled tranny friend, it was a great time. We got home about four, went to bed and I awoke feeling like I'd been danced on by John Goodman. I think that some of the soreness was from the bout, some was from dancing and repeatedly punching my arms in the air. I was supposed to go to uni but my car wouldn't start again, so I stayed home, feelin very happy in spite of the alcohol poisoning and derby tenderising.

Now I'm in Canberra for a week, chilling with Kat and my sister's family and I'm loving myself sick about it. So, until I'm back in Sunny Adelaide,

Thank you for tuning in, this is Burt healy saying...

Hey! Hobo man, Hey! Dapper dan, you both got your style, but baby you're never fully dressed, without a smile...

Tx

Pre-game jitters, anyone?

Ok, that was a lie, I don't have pre-game jitters. But now that you've started reading, why not continue?

WARNING: this post contains unsavoury topics.

Notice how I didn't give you any indication of what the 'unsavoury topics' are? That's my hook. Now you have to read on, half turned away from the screen, reading through eye slits, waiting for that moment when your eyes fall on the icky word and you have to avert them, gasping 'it's so shocking'.

Ok, I'll get to the point. Kat's dog has her period. I know, it's called 'on heat' but that's not exciting at all, it makes her seem more human if I say she has her period, or rags if I'm feeling bogan-ish. So. We went to get her desexed, but then money issues arose and we've had to wait. In the meantime, boom. Now, I'm going to get really graphic here. This will probably gross people out and also make people see me in a different light, but for entertainment's sake, I'm going to paint it like it is.

The story starts the day I realised she had it. This is the gross part.

...wiggly screen shot to flashback... diddle e de, diddle e de, diddle e de...

A few weeks ago, kat and I changed our bedroom around. You know, feng shui and all that. So, the room looks great. Washed the sheets the same day to top the feeling of newness so all was crisp and nice. We slept great. Until about 6am. Rosie was up. We were like 'um, are you sleepwalking? You know we don't get up until 11'. She was like 'I'M IN YA FACE. I'M A BIG LOSER. HAVE MY NOSE IN YOUR EYE. YOU LOVE IT.' We were baffled. This followed on for a couple of nights. We were sleep deprived and ready for death (Rosie's). So, one morning (this is the gross part coming up), as she woke me with her nose in my face again, I opened up the sheet and she slithered in and slept for about half an hour. I was so desperate for sleep that I didn't even care about her hair, I would just wash the sheets that day. Later, as I was making the bed, I notice spots of blood on the sheet. I said to Kat:

'There's blood here. I think it's from Rosie. She's been scratching her ear again, maybe she has a lil scab'

'Uh-huh.' (nil interest)

'Uh, Kat?'

'What?'

'You don't think she has her period, do you?'

'What?'

'Her period, she isn't desexed.'

'I dunno.'

Always thrilling morning convos, we have.

I forgot about it until I went into the kitchen and saw drops of blood on the floor *GROSS* and then it hit me that I had dog period in my bed. Great. As my Dad would've said, 'it could only happen to me'.

Now, Sunny is desexed, so I've never had this problem with her. This is all new to me and it is not fun. She just cruises around leaking blood! Surely there is something I can do? I thought of a nappy but she would tear it off. To make matters even more gross (avert thine eyes if you're squeamish), her vag is MASSIVELY SWOLLEN!! It's just hangin around back there, being all puffy and gross, I don't know how she sits down! It's like a car crash, I can't stop staring at it and going 'eww'! God, I hope we can get her desexed before this happens again.

Anyway, so on Sunday a mate came round with her two dogs to have a play date and a walk on the beach. I asked her if they were male, she said yes, but desexed (I do NOT want a preggers Rosie). So she came over. Neither seemed to notice anything until after the walk when we were all having a drink in the backyard. One of her dogs all of a sudden noticed what was going on with Rosie becoming a woman n all. So, he started to get that look in his eye and the dance of love began. I don't think there's a person alive that isn't amused by dogs trying to hump stuff, especially when they're getting it all wrong! He was trying to hump her side! She was looking at him like 'uh, riiiight'. So, as if this wasn't disturbingly funny enough, the stupidest thing happened next. Sunny, my docile nine year old desexed lab started to try and hump the boys, both of em! Now, Sunny used to be a mad dirty pumper, I've seen her knock kids to the ground to have a go, but she hasn't done it for ages, so it was a crack up to see all four running around, Rosie trying to retain some semblance of dignity, Sunny completely throwing hers to the wind and the boys alternating between getting their head humped by an ill-aimed Sunny mount and trying to bag Rosie!

Really not what I expected from my week, but at least it was a break from study. Sorry about the content today but not much has really happened to me this week. Next week I shall divulge all about the GRAND FINAL this weekend!! (Booyah)

Peace and dog nappies,

Tx