And history was made...

Ok, well you can say that about anything, I know, but go with me here, I'm about to recount a tale of heroic exploits, sweaty backs, smashed faces and no, I do not mean the football, I'm talking about something much, much MUCH better than that. ROLLER. DERBY. GRAND. FINAL.

Ok, so let's start from the start. Kat and I were organised for once, and actually got to the showgrounds a half hour before we had to. I felt good about it til I realised that it was locked and we couldn't get in. We were at the Rose Tce entrance so we walked around to the Goody Rd one, shut too (ugh). THEN we had to walk all the way round to the farmers market. All this time I was aware that everyone who saw me was like 'what the...' as I was in my boutfit with my hair all teased up, my eye stripe and my top hat on. Kat was in a tiny dress with fishnets so while people were fearful of me, they were perving on her.

We eventually got in and the pandemonium started. I got geared up and had a lil skate on the track we were going to use, as it was different from the usual one. I warmed to it straight away. It was more slick than the usual, but less slick than where we practice each week, it was perfect for me actually, cos I like a little slide, but not too much. Then, we got to our jobs, mine was selling raffle tickets. I'm good at this, cos I can shout loud and have the ability to make people feel bad for holding out - 'C'MON PEOPLE, I KNOW YOU GOT A DOLLAR IN YOUR POCKETS, DON'T MAKE ME SMASH HEADS HERE'. The crowd was already huge, the line snaking several times, and it was only just after 12:30, doors opened at 2:00. I finished my book and went back in to skate some more.

At this time I asked Caddy to tease my hair up for me. 'make it real big' I said. As she was teasing, she was giggling, and she told me that maybe she'd made it too big, maybe I wouldn't like it, so I checked it out in the mirror. If a lion mated violently with Tina Turner and had a dodgy looking kid with a black stripe over her eyes, she would look like me. I gasped, touched it softly and whispered 'it's perfect'. Caddy asked 'why do you want it so big?' I gave her crazy eyes, pointed at my head and said 'to put fear in the hearts of my enemies. Would you fuck with this?'

At some point someone told me there was someone outside with hair like mine and that they must have dressed like me. I laughed, cos that was the first time I'd done that to my hair, so nobody could've known, that must've been their real hairdo. Sweet.

Ok. Fast forward to the skate out. I was a little unsure about it, I'll admit. I'm not really a musical theatre fan, and it was a take off from West Side Story, which I've never seen. Why I liked it in the end, is that Mr W and Candy sang a duet together and it was so camp and fabulous that it sold me. I think the crowd liked it, well there wasn't any booing, so they must've.

So. The first bout, Mile Die Club vs The Salty Dolls. Poor MDC hadn't won a bout all season, so there was a lot riding on it for them. They started strong, but then gradually got a lil razzed and the Salties started to get a grip on the scoreboard. I watched as Champion Ruby planted a canopener straight into Lula Fortune's face and I thought to myself 'oh my, this is gunna be interesting' (yes, I actually so have the phrase 'oh my' in my inner monologue).

The first half went so quickly. It was time for us to warm up, so I didn't see the second, but from the sound of the crowd, it was going off like a frog in a sock. Letta Loose from my team is a mad kickboxer so she brought focus mitts for our off skates warm up. GREAT idea. I got a lil overzealous, which, teamed with the fact that I have no boxing skill almost bowled her over backwards. 'Take it easy psycho', she said, and I felt very complimented! My hair was clearly working.

Karmen Getme set up a good vibes shrine in our changeroom. All of us put something there to boost the good juju, I contributed with the bowtie I wore to the skate out of my first bout ever, which was the first time I ever got lead on Barrelhouse Bessy. That's important, more on that later.

More warming up in the deafening roar of Mile Die fans as they took third place, and we were out on the track. I mean it when I say I wasn't nervous. I'm sick of that shit. I was always nervous when I played hockey, feeling ill because of it, and it's useless, so I scrapped it. These days, I just tell myself that I'm gunna try the hardest I can. Whether we win or lose, I can't give more than my best, and that's what I did.

The bout started tentatively, we got on the board first, but the Hearses followed soon after. They are an amazing team, lots of depth there, and with leaders like Pixie Pincher and Nyx Bellatrix, with Bessy in the mix also, well, let's just say that they're formidable opponents.

Now, I gotta admit, and I apologise, but I can't remember much. One thing I can remember is that my first jam of the game was against Bessy, just like my first jam ever. And, like that first jam, I got lead! It must have been that bowtie on the shrine. I think I jammed lots in the first, I do know that I jammed last before half time, and I thought I was going to pass out. I was so hot. I managed to get my breath back though. At this point we were 13 points down, I think. Back out there, and things got hairy. Both teams were getting penalties, and there was a jammer in the box a lot of the time. People were getting desperate, blocks were flying all over the shop and I think we were all pretty damn tired. It stayed close until I think the last six minutes or so. Then, things got crazy, and time went into fast forward, like a Benny Hill flick without the music. I think from memory, Mad Dog Mims had a great jam, then Kit Cat Krunch, then me, and all of a sudden we were 20 or so points up. Our blocking was amazing. I felt like we'd finally clicked as a team and were truly working as a unit. I didn't let myself dare believe that we had it in the bag, especially as Violent Krumble was in the box and Bessy was up to jam. Bessy is just someone that you can never ever underestimate. She was on fire too, lapping the pack. I think we had blockers in the box as well. She skated amazingly, but then Krumbs was back out, earning points, and we knew we were safe. The clock chimed zero and we were champions.

What a crazy bout. The Hearses were undefeated all season. It was Vaderella's last game as she's retiring, so I was even more super duper happy to give her that send off. Incidentally, it sealed the hat trick year for me. I retired from ice hockey after we won the national championships for the fifth time, my ice hockey team I coach won gold in their division for the first time, and my derby team won the championship. High fives all round.

Now, to the afterparty. I re-teased my hair for the event. The Ed Castle was packed with derby girls and supporters, it was jumping with positive energy. I was flitting around, socialising, dancing, drinking, spilling etc. I lost a dance-off but was gracious in defeat. When the lights came on, we migrated to La Sing in Chinatown, and that's where things got messy. I was standing around, chatting, when I heard a crash. I looked over to the stage and Kit Cat had fallen into a cavity in the wall back there and was struggling to get back up, beer intact. I thought to myself 'oh my, things are getting good'. I've blogged before about the karaoke-goers who are very serious aboutt their 'craft'. Well, there was one there. Incidentally, the tranny with the fripples that I usually d and m with wasn't there. Sad. Anyhow, there was a serious singer up doing a song, can't remember which one. Canon Wonderful grabbed the mic and began singing over the top of him. Who was better I cannot say, but who was funnier, I can. Canon, hands down. I was helping her do highlights. The man became very upset and glared at us. He said 'Do you want to do it then?' Canon replied 'yep' so he left. Then a very angry chinese man came over to sort us out. 'You cannot steal other people song! You don't do it again! Now Behabe! BEHABE!' I nodded and confirmed that I would 'behabe'.

There was a football team in there with us, who kept choosing shitty songs, so I got on the mic and shouted 'You all are pussies and you're choosing pussy songs!' The chinese man glared so I stepped down.

All in all, dedspite the lack of my perpetually hard-nippled tranny friend, it was a great time. We got home about four, went to bed and I awoke feeling like I'd been danced on by John Goodman. I think that some of the soreness was from the bout, some was from dancing and repeatedly punching my arms in the air. I was supposed to go to uni but my car wouldn't start again, so I stayed home, feelin very happy in spite of the alcohol poisoning and derby tenderising.

Now I'm in Canberra for a week, chilling with Kat and my sister's family and I'm loving myself sick about it. So, until I'm back in Sunny Adelaide,

Thank you for tuning in, this is Burt healy saying...

Hey! Hobo man, Hey! Dapper dan, you both got your style, but baby you're never fully dressed, without a smile...

Tx

Pre-game jitters, anyone?

Ok, that was a lie, I don't have pre-game jitters. But now that you've started reading, why not continue?

WARNING: this post contains unsavoury topics.

Notice how I didn't give you any indication of what the 'unsavoury topics' are? That's my hook. Now you have to read on, half turned away from the screen, reading through eye slits, waiting for that moment when your eyes fall on the icky word and you have to avert them, gasping 'it's so shocking'.

Ok, I'll get to the point. Kat's dog has her period. I know, it's called 'on heat' but that's not exciting at all, it makes her seem more human if I say she has her period, or rags if I'm feeling bogan-ish. So. We went to get her desexed, but then money issues arose and we've had to wait. In the meantime, boom. Now, I'm going to get really graphic here. This will probably gross people out and also make people see me in a different light, but for entertainment's sake, I'm going to paint it like it is.

The story starts the day I realised she had it. This is the gross part.

...wiggly screen shot to flashback... diddle e de, diddle e de, diddle e de...

A few weeks ago, kat and I changed our bedroom around. You know, feng shui and all that. So, the room looks great. Washed the sheets the same day to top the feeling of newness so all was crisp and nice. We slept great. Until about 6am. Rosie was up. We were like 'um, are you sleepwalking? You know we don't get up until 11'. She was like 'I'M IN YA FACE. I'M A BIG LOSER. HAVE MY NOSE IN YOUR EYE. YOU LOVE IT.' We were baffled. This followed on for a couple of nights. We were sleep deprived and ready for death (Rosie's). So, one morning (this is the gross part coming up), as she woke me with her nose in my face again, I opened up the sheet and she slithered in and slept for about half an hour. I was so desperate for sleep that I didn't even care about her hair, I would just wash the sheets that day. Later, as I was making the bed, I notice spots of blood on the sheet. I said to Kat:

'There's blood here. I think it's from Rosie. She's been scratching her ear again, maybe she has a lil scab'

'Uh-huh.' (nil interest)

'Uh, Kat?'

'What?'

'You don't think she has her period, do you?'

'What?'

'Her period, she isn't desexed.'

'I dunno.'

Always thrilling morning convos, we have.

I forgot about it until I went into the kitchen and saw drops of blood on the floor *GROSS* and then it hit me that I had dog period in my bed. Great. As my Dad would've said, 'it could only happen to me'.

Now, Sunny is desexed, so I've never had this problem with her. This is all new to me and it is not fun. She just cruises around leaking blood! Surely there is something I can do? I thought of a nappy but she would tear it off. To make matters even more gross (avert thine eyes if you're squeamish), her vag is MASSIVELY SWOLLEN!! It's just hangin around back there, being all puffy and gross, I don't know how she sits down! It's like a car crash, I can't stop staring at it and going 'eww'! God, I hope we can get her desexed before this happens again.

Anyway, so on Sunday a mate came round with her two dogs to have a play date and a walk on the beach. I asked her if they were male, she said yes, but desexed (I do NOT want a preggers Rosie). So she came over. Neither seemed to notice anything until after the walk when we were all having a drink in the backyard. One of her dogs all of a sudden noticed what was going on with Rosie becoming a woman n all. So, he started to get that look in his eye and the dance of love began. I don't think there's a person alive that isn't amused by dogs trying to hump stuff, especially when they're getting it all wrong! He was trying to hump her side! She was looking at him like 'uh, riiiight'. So, as if this wasn't disturbingly funny enough, the stupidest thing happened next. Sunny, my docile nine year old desexed lab started to try and hump the boys, both of em! Now, Sunny used to be a mad dirty pumper, I've seen her knock kids to the ground to have a go, but she hasn't done it for ages, so it was a crack up to see all four running around, Rosie trying to retain some semblance of dignity, Sunny completely throwing hers to the wind and the boys alternating between getting their head humped by an ill-aimed Sunny mount and trying to bag Rosie!

Really not what I expected from my week, but at least it was a break from study. Sorry about the content today but not much has really happened to me this week. Next week I shall divulge all about the GRAND FINAL this weekend!! (Booyah)

Peace and dog nappies,

Tx

Hooo Lawdy!

Alright. So let's get it over with, yes, I was in the snow (with over a metre of fresh) for a week while everyone else was at work/school/uni. Put the jealousy on a shelf while I tell you the story please, then you can glare at me through eye slits if you still want to.

So, months ago, I checked my fb for the twentieth time that day (thank you iphone) and there was a message from Travis, the boyfriend of a best mate of mine. It read: 'do you snowboard?'

I replied 'yes, I do. But Lucy has been trying to get me to go riding with her for the last five years, and my answer is always the same: I have no money.'

After a couple of hours: 'What about if I paid for your flights and accomodation as a birthday present to Lucy?'

My reply: 'Uh, ok.'

So It was decided. I was going to the snow for the first time since I was in Canada in 2005. Woot. Since my Mum from time to time had been sending little pieces of my gear down (imagine my surprise to open up a parcel and in with the birthday gifts are also the base plates from my bindings) I had everything I needed except my board. I asked her to send it down, but since I'm a massive scrooge, I asked her to go to the op shop, buy some blankets and a roll of packing tape and wrap it up like a giant present. She did, and god bless, found that the cheapest way to send it was on a greyhound. I popped in to the depot the week after to pick it up.

'Hello. I'm here to pick up my snowboard please.'

'Oh... nope. No snowboards here.'

I point to my snowboard: 'what about that?'

'Oh. That snowboard.'

Yup, that one. Never let anyone tell you that greyhound is running anything less than a world-class operation.

So, very early on Saturday the 21st, off I popped to Melbourne. I spent the majority of the day watching hockey at the new rink there, the Icehouse. I'm not gunna lie, it's magical. Majestical even. Angels sung as I entered. Their Zamboni is a cat. Behold.

I don't think I need to say anything more on that.

Sunday about 3am we headed off for Hotham. The closer we got, the more evident that it became that there was already a very generous amount of snow. Choice. We parked the car, got geared up and went to ride straight away. Let me tell you who 'we' were.

Lucy: Mad snowboarder. Mad chick. Mad hockey player. Just mad.

Travis: bf of Lucy, good snowboarder, general shitstirrer.

Sheree: friend of all, leggins wearer, decent rider but not fond of toeside edge.

Jonno: Amazing dancer, nice guy and funnyman. Great rider, good at faceplants.

Fab: cool guy, great rider and lover of ladies.

Sylvia: didn't see her ride much but I get the impression she shreds. Great dreads.

Costy: brand new rider. No fear, will try rails and jumps and smash into beer kegs.

Tony: world-seasoned travelling rider. Good looking and not afraid to appear gay when dancing.

Me: textbook intermediate rider, generally likeable buffoon, not good at tree runs.

So we got straight into it. My goal the whole time was to be trying jumps by the end of it. I was mindful not to injure myself for my derby final so I didn't go too nuts and by the end of the week, I was indeed jumping and getting air. Baby air but air nonetheless and I didn't crash any landings. Behold, the awesomeness of my HUGE air.

Any hole's a goal, as they say.

So as mentioned already, there was lots of snow. On account of the fact that mother nature is a skanky moll with no teeth and clearly miffed about it, instead of just snowing quietly at night while we're all dreaming of big air, it was basically a blizzard the entire time. The only exception to that was the hour of sunshine we got on tuesday. We were riding around and when the sun came out we thought that we might head over to the Orchard chair, a place we had wanted to go to for a while. On our way to the lift to take us there, Fab had a great idea - to take a shortcut through some trees. Lemme get this straight - it was not a tree run. It was just trees we foolishly went into. Halfway through, after scraping straight over trees, rocks and Lucy, I took off my board and walked. Clever you might think, I did too, til I sunk to my crotch in snow. By the time we got out of the trees, it was cloudy and spewing snow on our heads like so much confetti at a wedding before the littering taboo set in. Fun memories.

Other than that, good riding.

Nightlife. Beer pong. Alcohol. Staff having a retro night. Me creepily stroking the leg of a girl I did not know on the bus ride home because she was wearing slinky, sparkly pants. Apparently, she didn't mind, but that's second-hand information, I certainly don't remember it.

We had to dig the car out. I cleaned the apartment instead, as I don't go much for digging at the best of times.

Back in Melbourne, and Saturday night I took Lucy and Trav to the South Sea Roller Derby's first public bout. For a first time bout, I was impressed - good sized crowd, great skills, big hits and I got to say hi to the lovely Kitty Decapitate, who coached the winning team. I recognised her bf who is a ref before I saw her, he's a good ref, very thorough and not power-trippy at all.

Ok, that's plenty long enough. One last quick story before I sign off. Saturday morning our cat Kitty was attacked by a big ginger ninja and got a severely injured neck, poor lil thing. Consequently she's hardly moved from our bed, she's still so wobbly. Naturally, being away in the snow for 9 nights, there were things Kat and I wanted to do upon my return... Kinda icky though with Kitty on the bed and all. So we've both been too polite to talk about it, you know, out of respect for Kitty. Last night we broke the silence:

Me: 'Y'know, I gotta admit, I'm just about ready for that cat to be able to sleep elsewhere...'

Kat: 'I KNOW!! I mean shit, I know you've got a sore neck n' all, but jeez... go to the physio!'

Hahaha I can always count on Kat to go to a place nobody else will.

Sweet, so that's it. My 2010 snow adventure. Maybe next year I'll go again, and get another millimetre of air.

shiny salutations,

Tx